Reminders and day dreaming

I can’t seem to get you off my mind lately. Maybe it’s because of where I am again or maybe I’m just living in the past. A time where I smiled more and felt more than I have in awhile. A time when I wanted to not feel anything but felt everything. Now I want to feel everything but feel nothing. I miss you more as the days pass.

I wish I could see your face again, hear your voice, having that easy going conversation again that always just seemed to flow so naturally between us. I re-read our old conversations that are now in my archived messages and my heart smiles and sinks in my chest at once.

Then I get mad at myself, why should I care how you are? Why should I be thinking about you when you probably don’t care and aren’t thinking about me. You aren’t missing me, because if you did you would reach out. You wouldn’t be silent.

I feel sorry that you live a life that has taught you to trust no one. That you are so closed off and scared of someone truly caring for you that you run at every chance you get. You ghost when your feelings get involved until you can get them back in check. No one should live their life afraid of their own feelings, of being seen for who they are or being loved by others. You end up missing out on so much more.

I have no clue what will happen, what the future has in store, but for now I’ll spend my time living in reminders that you are now just somebody that I use to know, and day dreaming of a different time, a different place, a world where mine was better because you were in it and knowing that no matter how I feel I can’t wait around. So for now I will live with the heartbreak, and work myself to moving forward again. Over and over if I have to.

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