Fates at play

Fate is such a funny thing, continually changing with every little decision we make. You can try to fight it all you want but no matter what fate will always take its course. What’s meant to be, will always be. So what do you do when you are standing at two paths? Wondering which way to go? Left or right…. turn around and go back? No you can’t go back… so you close your eyes, take a deep breath and move, trust your gut, your heart, and your mind. Let them become one and you can never go wrong. Acceptance of your destiny, how ever it will turn out… acceptance of yourself, and loving every part of you no matter what others may think or feel of it. Only then can you truly rise from your ashes of the past, and begin again burning brighter than before. One day, someday those around you will know all you have done to see them happy… Until then they will only see what they want. The path I’m on, is so different than what it’s ever been before… you would of asked me a few years ago if this is where my life would be, I would of laughed and said you are wrong. Everyday I find more and more about myself, the person I once was is gone, and the person I was always meant to be is coming through. Even though I have my set backs, those moments of doubt and despair, I will continue to work on myself with each passing day. What is meant to be will be…

Stay or run

I wonder if anyone will ever truly know me. Not just the part of me I let them see, but all of me, the whole me, the scarred, broken, damaged, pieces, that I try to hide from myself, the demons that I fight that I don’t really tell people about. How many people would I lose then? Would I be alone then? If I took of the mask that everyone has for me and let them truly see me for me? Sometimes I just wish I could let my guard down, have one safe place to go, but I know that safe places eventually burn to the ground. I would bet that most wouldn’t be able to tell my real smile from the fake. It’s quite sad actually how we all see only what we want, and we tend to shy away or run from what makes up truly happy, I know I do, all the damn time, in my head I’m telling myself it’s better this way, keeps anyone from getting hurt right? But when running from something you know you want even if it could be disastrous in the end, doesn’t that hurt more? Why do we fear so much that we do or say things that push ones we care about away? Why do we shut ourselves down from feeling anything at all? All these questions… I know, because I shut myself down a long time ago. When it comes to anything like that I’m just no good at it. Hahah. I’d rather run in the opposite direction than live in fear of the sad reality that I may lose someone if I let them in all the way and they did decide to stay.

Lost and alone

I never really understood how lost I truly was until I lost my father. It’s as if this part of me is gone and I don’t know how to get it back. I just go through the motions of every day life not truly caring about anything anymore. I catch myself wanting to call and ask for advice or just to vent and then I remember he’s gone to never return. My heart and soul will never be the same again. There will always be a missing piece to me now. And all I want is to forget, go back in time and have him back. Nothing helps the pain. I’m numb and cold on the inside. I’ve lost my hope. I’ve lost everything that was me. And I wonder if I will ever find myself again. Find that spark again. It died the moment I heard the words I didn’t expect to hear.

Missing the laughter, easy banter

Everyday I go to the same places

See the same faces

They have become a blur

The only one I see is you

Missing you and the way it was

I can’t help but to think

Is this my fault

Was it just a game

Everyday I wish things were different

If only you would just listen

Speak to me like you use to

All the funny little laughter

All the easy banter

I want it back

But don’t know where to start

You are the only part

I enjoyed it all

My life has become so dull

Without you

Games

The games people play

When they walk away

Break you down

Til you’re in the ground

Nothing left to say

Just go away

Let me Rest In Peace

With my sanity

I’ll drink you in

You’ll make my head spin

The circles we dance

Never seem to last

Make me numb

So I won’t feel so dumb

For taking a chance

These things always crash

I’ll hold my head high

You think I’m weak

And just stand by

But I’m stronger then you think

I’ll be just fine before you blink.

My hell

Locked in a prison cell

Put under a dark spell

You want to be free

But don’t know how to escape reality

Face and names pass you by

Nothing wrong with saying hi

Until it catches you

And then your dead

Running from nightmares

Inside your head.

Different

To go unseen

Is all I need

Don’t look at me

I’m not like you, you see

I strive to not follow the rules

To be different from the ones like you

I won’t let them chain me

I’ll always break free

From the hold they have on me

The darkness is my light

It’s always in my sight

Don’t let me slip

Let it be quick

Take from me what’s left

And leave me to clean up the mess

Innocent

They are so full of life

Seeing everything in sight

When they fall apart

It breaks my heart

Angels they are

So innocent and free

They always remind me

I want to shelter them from the evil of this world.

Anxiety

Lost in thoughts

I can’t escape

Buried in time

What a waste

Can’t catch my breath

My heads a mess

Don’t know what happened

Why you left

Now you treat me cold

Like all the rest

Think I’m crazy

Slowly sinking

Try to hold out hope

Not much left if I had to guess

Wish you hadn’t been like all the rest

Proved me right

Now you’re out of sight

It’s taken all my might

Only I can see the light

So bright it blinded me

Now I can’t breathe.

Say hi

I say hi But I don’t know why

Im invisible to your eyes

You won’t hear a word i say

So on the ground I lay.

Startled by everything I’ve come to see

Makes me believe

Some people are worth the pain

It can be a gain

Teach you a lesson in life

Until you can get it right

The only thing I want

Is a little time and thought

Carrying to much burden

I’m the one always hurting.

Can never be clear enough

Everything’s all messed up

I’ll try to make it right

But right now I see no light.

If only you would talk to me

Easy banter made me free

All the looks you once gave to me

You were like the cigarette I breathe in

Helped me free my sins

Understanding is all I need

But I won’t ever plead

Not again

Wish things could be different

There’s always a limit

To the time people have

It never seems to last.

It’s all gone in the blink of an eye

Just wish you would say hi

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