Thinking out loud.

Sometimes I wonder how a person can change so much, but then again I know I have also done it. Because of things that happened to me in my past or people I have encountered throughout my life. I have changed, I have grown. I know this. Just as well as I know that change can be a difficult thing to process. I always find myself trying to hold on and fight for things that can’t or won’t change. Childhood trauma of abandonment I suppose.

The truth is that change can be a great thing, and without it we wouldn’t know how to grow as individuals. Someone we have known for most of our lives can become a complete stranger overnight and you realize you never really knew that person, their problems, and traumas that may affect them. I pray for all who are going through some of the most difficult things they could go through, but I also hope that you grow, learn, and become stronger from it as well.

Healing traumas

I’ve spent my teenage years and my whole adult life allowing my traumas to define the person I am, without realization that that’s actually what I was doing. You see…. The abuse I have endured in life makes me stronger, not weak, it doesn’t make me dirty, it doesn’t make me disgusting, it doesn’t make me who I am. I can grow from each experience instead of letting it over take every aspect of my life.

I am worthy of love, I’m worthy of loving myself, whether I’m a size 0 or a size 20. Instead of seeing couples and saying I wish I could have that, like it’s completely unattainable for me, I can now say I deserve that and I don’t have to settle for less than what I deserve. It’s a new world as I learn to love myself more each day. I am good enough, because I am enough. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart, and I can achieve all that I want in life. It’s my power, I can turn every negative thought into a positive outcome.

Missing you

I’m missing you , even though I haven’t seemed to think about you in a little bit. Everyone once and a blue moon my mind will go back over conversations, and I feel as though I’m breaking all over again. My heart wants to hold on to you as if it can’t survive without you, but my head tells me I’m stupid for holding on, because if you were going to come back you would of by now.

I know that I left you in the dark, when I vanished, but I didn’t do it to hurt you. That’s something I wish you could understand. I told you I loved you without wanting anything in return and that’s the truth. The way you made me feel alive was enough, the way you checked up on me was enough. I wish you could try to understand from my perspective though, how hard it is to be so close to someone and have them pull away. I push people away because that’s all I’m ever shown.

I wanted to run and stay all at once with the feelings you brought back into my life. I was believing in me again, but I also hated how much I felt I needed you. I can’t need anyone. I had to figure out how to be happy with just me. Of course, life’s little twists and turns make it damn hard. I know though after everything I’ve endured I’m strong, and I don’t need anyone.

The truth is I wanted you, I wanted you so bad, and that in the end scarred the shit out of me, if I care then I have something to lose. My heart aches for what was once between us. I miss our conversations, I miss laughing, but most of all I miss smiling, I lost it the day I lost you.

I try not to live with a hope and prayer that you will come back, but some part of me every night before I go to bed asks for you to come back. I still love you, and I’m still waiting for you to miss me….. because I miss you……. Even if that’s dumb of me.

I felt you never trusted me, and you never knew how to accept the love I offered even though you wanted it. You ran any chance you got. Fear of being seen for who you really were and being loved anyway. Even after all that…. I miss you everyday…. Every hour, every minute that passes…. To me you were everything, to you I was replaceable.

Why do I feel like this?

Life seems to always want to throw these damn huge curve balls at me as if I haven’t had enough of them. One minute I’m feeling fine and it’s as if the littlest thing sets me off and on that downward spiral I go. My whole go is to move forward not backwards…. But I also know in order to heal you have to face your past head on.

I think at this moment I’m at some sort of impasse and don’t know which way I will choose. Guess I’ll find out when it’s time. This thing called life….