Cancer sucks

The thing about grieving is you never truly know when it’s going to hit you. One minute your perfectly fine and the next you are bawling your eyes out over all things you wish you had a chance to do with the person you are missing.

My mother was a huge part of her grandkids lives, and she had a bond with each one of them that was different from the next. She was unbelievably proud of them, and loved them with all her heart. They say each other them were born it was as if her world came more alive, her heart became more full. Fuller then she ever expected it to be.

She made up for the mistakes she made with my brother and I, with our children. When my brother had his boys she was in love with being a Grammy, she wanted to spoil and play with them and the best is helping to raise them, When my son was born and me being young, she also stepped up, on nights I wanted to go out and be with friends she was always there willing to let me go and her take care of him, she was the one that helped me teach jr to take his first steps, she was the one who potty trained him, got him his first pair of roller blades, bike, etc. she was completely entranced by them all. April was her first grand daughter, she was ready for make up parties, dress up, and barbies. And then jubilee came and her world was complete the day she was born. She couldn’t help but hold her hand in the hallway, and touch her face in awe of her beauty.

She was so much that words can’t even fully grasp how much she truly meant to her family.

I cry, for the mother I lost, but my heart shatters for my children and niece and nephews for the Grammy they lost. The nights where the loss hits my son and he comes crying to me, telling me he wishes he could of gotten to watch all the shows he was suppose to with Grammy, or the song that makes him realize how much he wanted her to hold on and not leave him so soon. Those nights that all I can do is hold him while his heart breaks again for the person he misses.

Life isn’t normal anymore, that’s the biggest part of grief no one truly tells you about. Life continues to go on, and your expected to keep moving with it. When your world is completely different. You can adjust over time but it will never be normal again. Not when you won’t be able to hear that person’s voice, see their smile, hear their laugh again in person.

Grief is an ugly part of life. Losing a part of you with each person that passes.

My mother use to tell me I couldn’t have more than one best friend, and I always told her she was wrong. Truth is though, she never knew she was my best friend. She was my person that I wanted to tell everything to, my advice giver, my protector, my rock. I cried, she’d cry. My heart broke, her heart broke. And now I must do the same for my children.

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