Self

You don’t want to be selfish in this world, but some days you feel like it would be easier to just shut everyone and everything down around you and in your head. Just for a little bit. Some peace from the sweet torture of life and the complications of feelings we have been given.

Maybe that’s why I found myself once again crying over someone who never deserved me in all the years we knew each other he should of never been a safe zone just a temporary stepping stone. Maybe one day in the future he will think back to a time he had a great friend who put herself aside for him so he didn’t ever feel so alone and all he did was play games and treat her like the garbage he stepped on in the street.

What he lacks is through my journey and growth I do not regret sharing how I feel and not only respect myself enough but also love myself and know how much precious my time here is, and it no longer needs to be spent with people who continually prove to me they don’t deserve my time, and attention nor my friendship. I have accepted myself or continue to learn to accept myself everyday, i will never let another person break me to nothing. He still runs back to what broke him repeatedly. I pray he heals.

What’s there to say?

Well, I’m learning that even though I have been through some not so ideal situations, the truth is I made it through them. Did I get down on myself? Beat myself up? Did some of those situations tear my heart out from my chest cavity? Did it feel like my guts were being ripped out from the inside left to hang where everyone could see? Yes…. And more often then not I wanted to curl up in the safety of my bed, with my head tucked under the covers as a child does when scared of the shadows that dance in their room at night. Maybe I did that for a moment but I released my he blanket and got out of bed.

I trudged through the rooms of my home and hoped into that shower even if I shed a couple tears as the water slid down my face and act as if I didn’t just let some of the pain I was feeling out. Then I got out wrapped my towel around me and dried myself off, only to force my feet into the leg of my pants and pull them up to my waist. I pulled the shirt over my head and put my arms through the sleeves. I then held my head up high and walked outside into the sun.

As I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face, I couldn’t help but to feel just a tad bit lighter, so I put one foot in front of the other and continued to do so until I began to laugh for no reason at all except out of pure joy. Happiness starts to wash over me like the waves of the ocean onto the shore. My heart fills with some unrecognizable feeling that has been long forgotten. My lips spread into a smile that begins to hurt my cheeks and still I can not stop. For in this moment I know everything will be okay and I will make it through another day.

You see, it’s okay to be down, and sometimes we have a habit of getting stuck in that dark place, but fighting through, being proud that you got out of bed, took a shower, brushed your teeth, or just got dressed is okay. Be proud of what you accomplished even if it doesn’t seem like a lot. Before you know it you have more things to be grateful for, to smile about, to laugh about. Keep moving with your head high.

Healing traumas

I’ve spent my teenage years and my whole adult life allowing my traumas to define the person I am, without realization that that’s actually what I was doing. You see…. The abuse I have endured in life makes me stronger, not weak, it doesn’t make me dirty, it doesn’t make me disgusting, it doesn’t make me who I am. I can grow from each experience instead of letting it over take every aspect of my life.

I am worthy of love, I’m worthy of loving myself, whether I’m a size 0 or a size 20. Instead of seeing couples and saying I wish I could have that, like it’s completely unattainable for me, I can now say I deserve that and I don’t have to settle for less than what I deserve. It’s a new world as I learn to love myself more each day. I am good enough, because I am enough. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart, and I can achieve all that I want in life. It’s my power, I can turn every negative thought into a positive outcome.

Longing

Ever since I can remember I have longed for family. The kind that pulls together in the face of tragedy, that lifts you up, and makes you want to continue on. That protects you from the world when it starts to fall apart.

Unfortunately the only time I had that was when I was a doe eyed child with childish notions of how life was, when fairytale was real and happened everyday. In the 5th grade I dealt with the abandonment of the father I looked up to, leaving for another state without a word to me, because he didn’t know better, he didn’t realize how broken it would make me in the coming years.

The mother who even though I know she had her demons from her own childhood, did the best she could but still caused scars on my heart from hurtful things she said and did.

The brothers and cousins, I longed to know, watched the closeness of them, but always felt I never fit in or belonged. They were all I had, every single one of them and I watched as my look on family became but a distant memory I so desperately tried to find, only to be disappointed.

I know the saying blood doesn’t make family and over the years I have made my own, the friends who have loved me just as I am, held me and comforted me in some of my darker times, but still an ache of what I wish I could of had. I know now I can’t always get what I want in life. I faced that fact the moment I lost my dad and then again when I prayed god not take my mother from me.

I’m not the doe eyed little girl anymore, I’m the woman who has been through more than she should of, lost her innocence, been taken for granted, used, and torn down by those who have entered into her life and left just a quickly as they came in. Never realizing she was worth more than she was accepting. Just settling for what she thought she deserved. Self doubt is a bitch when it creeps up on you and makes you believe the lies in your head.

Through it all, a select few stay and prove I’m worthy of being loved for who I am, even if I have changed with everything that I have been through. They see me for me and accept it. They help keep me on the path they know I want to be desperately on. And on those days when I’m to weak to continue the course they hold me up and walk with me by my side.

Still apart of me holds on to the hope that one day my family will not look at me as if I’m just a ghost they can look past, but see me and accept me for who I am. See the strength I have had to overcome the demons that scratch at the back of my soul. How brave I had to be to continue when I wanted to give in and give up no matter the challenges life throws my way.

The hope that one day I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and it will find me as well. Just as a child hopes for the fairytale. It’s been a long life, set on a path to belonging, and I have had my glimpses of what it would be like only for them to be short lived. One day though. One day. Until then I trudge forward on this thing called life, taking in the lessons it has to offer me and learning from all that I can.

Learning to love myself

I’ve spent years hating just about everything about me, from my weight, my body, my name, down to the hair on my toes. I never truly realized how much I lived in self hate of myself until recently. I knew I was unhappy at times but have moments where I felt good. I chucked it up my depression and anxiety.

I destroyed my self confidence, my self esteem, my dreams I believed I didn’t deserve. All because I thought my value laid more with others than myself. I degraded myself and put my mind and body through things that now I wonder why I did. It was all consuming and I didn’t even see the destruction I had caused myself by letting others thoughts of me win.

Recently I had a guy attempt to hook up on the down low of course. Something I have dealt with before. But something inside me in this moment changed. Instead of taking up the offer, I found myself declining. My worth isn’t in a one night stand, affair, hook up, or even sex at all. Why put myself on a level that will only leave me feeling worthless, lonely, and not good enough? That’s what I had been doing. I had been allowing myself to lower my standards for some idea of acceptance.

It was as if my eyes, my mind. And my heart opened in that moment and I realized I have to love myself, and I deserve to love myself. I deserve what I wish for. So I don’t have the best body, but God gave me this life and I should love it flaws and all. I shouldn’t be treating my body badly.

The journey to self love, is the hardest journey we will take, life will test you, throwing curve balls to try to make you fail, but you only fail yourself when you lower yourself and accept less than you deserve. So, here’s to learning to love myself and not try to find love within someone else. I need to fill my own tank. And now almost 14 years after high school I’m starting to understand what my self discovery teacher was trying to teach us all.

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