This thing says what’s on your mind? funny, how social media asks us every time we sign on what is on our mind but who actually puts what’s actually on their mind? we have grown cold with thoughts that nobody want’s to truly know what’s on our mind. we go through things in our lives alone, with the deep rooted thought that what’s the point in talking about our bad day we had, or good day because no one truly cares anyway. thinking about just that is sad, how many people in this world feel completely alone, like they don’t have anyone during their times of need and we have the ability to be there for those we love at our hands.. and we don’t do it.
How many lives could we change by reading and being there for someone, letting them know you are there to just listen. what has hardened us so much that when something bad happens we can’t show empathy or compassion for those going through it and tell them that it gets better?
why don’t we talk about the guilt that some live with after they have had to make decisions for their loved one… my mom three years ago got a biopsy of her colon.. in the end she ended up back in the hospital with sepsis due to stitches tearing. they ended up having to take out more of her bowels and she ended up with an ostomy bag. while she laid helpless in the hospital my brother and I were the ones that had to make the hard choices and of course we went against everything she wanted.. After that I often found myself feeling guilty, of course I had my mother back and she wasn’t mad about it. she was clear… cancer free…. until she wasn’t again…. this time the cancer had invaded her liver… she found this out after two years of living with an ostomy bag and wanting it taken off.
Here she was thinking she was strong enough to handle this major surgery and the truth was she was slowly but surly dying. I made the decision to care for her, it was a hard decision for me just because emotionally and mentally I didn’t know if I had it in me to watch and she declined into a shell of the person I loved and knew, but thinking of all the times she overprotected me, loved me, and did her ultimate best to care for me, made it an easier choice. I did it..
I spent days making her food, doing her dishes, cleaning the house, making her bed. To having to help her in and out of the bathtub, to helping her walk to go to the bathroom. She moved from the living room to the back bedroom, and back to the living room, I spent my nights listening to her whine in pain and not be able to get comfortable and me not be able to help, then as soon as she would get comfortable and I was on the verge of passing out from exhaustion she would call me to take her to the bathroom and it would start all over again.
I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and felt completely helpless, even with hospice coming in to help, I felt guilty for wanting to just take a nap, it felt selfish, and I was angry, angry at feeling like I was doing it alone, angry at God, I was losing my mother before my eyes. I felt guilt after she passed because what if I could of done more for her? helped her more in some way….
No one ever talks about the guilt a person faces when being the care taker… No one talks about the emotional and mental roller coaster ride you go on… Not a day goes by that I don’t wish my mother was here to talk to about stupid stuff, to ask advice, or just laugh with.. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her with all my heart… Not a day goes by that I don’t think of the day she left us, and telling her it was okay, we would be alright, and I knew she would watch over us all. I couldn’t hold her, kiss her, touch her as she took her last breath, and I feel that guilt everyday, of not being able to be strong enough to be with her by her side. instead I watched through a window wishing I could tear the screen out and jump in and beg her to stay, because I was scared of a world without her in it.
Even though I’m still scared of the world without my mom in it, I have found my strength to keep moving forward, I look at my children and the memories I loved with my mom I continue to pass on to them. I know she would be proud. the guilt gets easier and even though it never fully goes away, I accept that I did all I could do. Life can be hard at times… but even when we feel alone, we aren’t always alone. there is always a reason to keep faith, to keep moving forward with our lives, and look for brighter days.