Longing

Ever since I can remember I have longed for family. The kind that pulls together in the face of tragedy, that lifts you up, and makes you want to continue on. That protects you from the world when it starts to fall apart.

Unfortunately the only time I had that was when I was a doe eyed child with childish notions of how life was, when fairytale was real and happened everyday. In the 5th grade I dealt with the abandonment of the father I looked up to, leaving for another state without a word to me, because he didn’t know better, he didn’t realize how broken it would make me in the coming years.

The mother who even though I know she had her demons from her own childhood, did the best she could but still caused scars on my heart from hurtful things she said and did.

The brothers and cousins, I longed to know, watched the closeness of them, but always felt I never fit in or belonged. They were all I had, every single one of them and I watched as my look on family became but a distant memory I so desperately tried to find, only to be disappointed.

I know the saying blood doesn’t make family and over the years I have made my own, the friends who have loved me just as I am, held me and comforted me in some of my darker times, but still an ache of what I wish I could of had. I know now I can’t always get what I want in life. I faced that fact the moment I lost my dad and then again when I prayed god not take my mother from me.

I’m not the doe eyed little girl anymore, I’m the woman who has been through more than she should of, lost her innocence, been taken for granted, used, and torn down by those who have entered into her life and left just a quickly as they came in. Never realizing she was worth more than she was accepting. Just settling for what she thought she deserved. Self doubt is a bitch when it creeps up on you and makes you believe the lies in your head.

Through it all, a select few stay and prove I’m worthy of being loved for who I am, even if I have changed with everything that I have been through. They see me for me and accept it. They help keep me on the path they know I want to be desperately on. And on those days when I’m to weak to continue the course they hold me up and walk with me by my side.

Still apart of me holds on to the hope that one day my family will not look at me as if I’m just a ghost they can look past, but see me and accept me for who I am. See the strength I have had to overcome the demons that scratch at the back of my soul. How brave I had to be to continue when I wanted to give in and give up no matter the challenges life throws my way.

The hope that one day I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and it will find me as well. Just as a child hopes for the fairytale. It’s been a long life, set on a path to belonging, and I have had my glimpses of what it would be like only for them to be short lived. One day though. One day. Until then I trudge forward on this thing called life, taking in the lessons it has to offer me and learning from all that I can.

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