Birthday realizations

I’m officially 31 today, holy crap! I’m getting old. Lol I’m another year older and another year wiser. My friend went out of her way to plan a surprise party that didn’t actually go the way she wanted it to but to be honest I’m just grateful for the effort. I’m not that hard to please. Lol it’s the thought that counts more than anything. Of course with this realization came the realization that the one person I was hoping to hear from today didn’t reach out to wish me a happy birthday and maybe I’m just not meant to be apart of their life anymore. Maybe I was never meant to be apart of their life, maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe that was just my wishful thinking and maybe just maybe I’m coming to reality now. The more time that passes the more I wonder how much this person wants me in their life.

I am a mess.

I’m not normal, I am a complete and utter mess most days, I have no clue what I want out of this life, or where I will end up, even though it’s continuously on my mind. Wondering if I will ever know what it’s like to experience anything real. Yes I am not the perfect person, my stomach is not flat, and I like to drink, and I tend to say the wrong things or laugh at the wrong times. Most of the time I feel as though I’m epically failing at this thing we call life.

From getting my children up and ready for their day to getting myself up and ready for the day. I constantly feel exhausted. I can sleep 12+ hours and it still doesn’t help. Most of the time I have absolutely no energy to clean my house. When did all my energy drain from my body? Was it the moment I gave birth to my children? On days where I do manage to clean or get myself ready I feel as though that is a complete win for the day.

Truth is, I love being different, and not normal. I love being a mess, it’s been me every since I can remember. Constantly over thinking everything, questioning everything, I feel I am Beautifully Broken and as the time passes I am stitching myself back together the way I was meant to be, sometimes I wish I could make that happen right here and right now but I can’t rush the process, there’s so much more knowledge I need to obtain before I am finished. Life may get hard but I am stronger than I believe. And I can make it through anything that comes my way.

Actions vs words

I know more than most how actions speak louder than words. Anyone can speak words to you that make you feel great but actions prove to you that you mean absolutely nothing but a convenience to them, something to fill the time until something better comes along in their eyes.

I miss you, I love you, I accept you, all just words that have very little meaning until you put the action behind them that matters. Like remembering a birthday, someone’s favorite color, favorite candy bar. Listening all night to them rant and rave about one subject Bc that’s what they need and then just holding them as they break down and don’t know why.

I find myself being one of those people that no matter how much I say the words the actions behind the words just happens to follow suit without me even realizing. And I over think and over analyze everything people do and say, which gets me more confused than anything most of the time. Like why you tell me you miss me but yet you wait a week to reach out? Lmao. Yes that is my lovely anxiety getting the better of me and my brain not wanting to shut down. It’s completely exhausting. Most of the time I just want peace from the constant over analyzing of someone’s words and actions. But it is my reality.

Letting go.

Why is letting go one of the hardest things to do? You know it’s the right thing to do, but you also know that when you do it you’re ultimately going to break your own heart. So you find yourself at another crossroad that life has so lovingly thrown in your way, one way you can accept what you have, but not be fully happy, continuously hoping to see the light.

Or you have the second path where you break free from the shadows and seek the light yourself, the only problem is with this option you lose your heart. Everything that has molded you into the person you have become. Made you a better person, you would have to let it all go.

Start from scratch and begin a new, find the new you, from what you have known. What you have been through, taken them in and let them be. So which path do you choose?

Bad days

The one thing I have been noticing is that with depression and anxiety no matter how hard you try to keep your head up, you have your bad days, it’s inevitable, you think everything is going good, and bam one day you just are completely consumed, or this is how it feels. It’s been slowly creeping up but you have been pushing it away, fighting against it. These days are okay, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not have a good day. Just don’t get stuck there.

Today was my bad day. Nothing went right, I cried, and then I took a moment for myself, do I feel better? Not really at the moment, but I know tomorrow is another day, so I will try again tomorrow. So I will take my breath and do my best to hold my head up again, straighten my shoulders, because it was a bad day and it’s okay to have that. It will get better.

Thank you

I expect nothing in return, but I appreciate everything you do. Thank you.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for believing me, even when i didn’t. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for standing by me in my darkest hours. Thank you for making me smile on my bad days, and smile even more on my good days. Thank you for making me want to be better.

You are smart, intelligent, amazing, kind, funny, brave, and so much more that I can’t even begin to put into words. My hope for you is still that you have happiness, all the happiness in the world because you matter, and deserve so much that this life has to give you. No matter what life brings I will always be forever grateful and thankful for having met you, because of you I am a better me, a happier me, I am just me no restrictions, no mask, no hiding.

I will always have your back. I’ll always be by your side, cheering you on with your hopes and dreams. When you have your bad days I’ll be here to listen and let you know you’re not alone , and that you are strong, that you will make it through this, and I will always do my best to put the smile I love so much on your face, on both good and bad days. This I promise you. I expect nothing in return, this I give to you freely.

Why I started blogging

So here it is, my story, or at least part of it and why I decided to get into blogging. 2007 I got married and had a baby boy life was great! Right! Absolutely. I couldn’t ask for anything better 18 years old I’m an adult and start my own life yeah things were still hard but that was okay. 2009 we welcomed our daughter, things got a little more stressful, I was a stay at home mom after I had my children, never being able to get out of the house. Never knowing what to do. I was secluded from my friends my husband worked all the time.

2014 when I think things are going great I was hit with I don’t love you anymore and haven’t for a year. I was devastated and I didn’t know what to do or how to cope with what I felt at that time, but I did know that divorce was the only option, the relationship hadn’t been right even though I wanted to convince myself for my kids that it was great for 8 years the fighting and arguing wasn’t it had worn on both of us. Made us both into people we didn’t even know anymore, I wanted him happy even if I wasn’t, so I let him go. So after some time and i do mean sometime because let’s face it I already admitted in high school I had dealt with depression, and my whole world just came crashing down around me, no job, two kids that I was raising by myself now, alone, I let it take me…

I started to write in journals, my friend actually had a blog and introduced me to this site in 2015 I believe it was then I made one and instead of writing in my journal I took it to this site, I didn’t care if anyone read it, it was just an outlet for me. I wrote on that then I started to get my life back on track and I didn’t have time from no energy from kids and work. So I stopped. Would only write when I felt like it or I had something to get off my chest. That blog got deleted. I made this one, I love writing not that I’m good at. But I never said I was. I’m so far from perfect. Lol anyway. I made this one. Started over. Again it was for me but this time when I started writing it was with the thought that well if someone does stumble across this… maybe my words and what I go through with my depression, anxiety, day to day struggles as a parent, what ever it be can help someone else not feel so alone.

See if opening up and letting you all know that my life is far from perfect, and I live every day constantly fighting myself, some days my kids because they got attitudes and adhd, but at the end of the day we get through it and tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. And we aren’t alone. Then I’m okay with that. I’m only 30 and I feel like I have been through enough in this lifetime already. I know life has more plans for me. Some of them I will love and some of them will try to break me. Just like with you but I can tell you right now if you are reading this you made it through everything life has thrown at you so far and you are so much stronger than you may think. You can get through anything but know you are NEVER truly alone. I can not say that enough! I have been there… I thought I was alone, but I wasn’t…. YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!! YOU GOT THIS!!! And I’m here cheering you on. I believe in you, I believe in your strength to get through anything life has to throw at you.

p.s. After all this time I will say this as much as I thought I was happy in the relationship and marriage I wasn’t, I found out after I left I had only been staying in it for my children. I became a better mother, friend, and self, I strive everyday to work on myself because I know that I am a work in progress still. I am perfectly imperfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The most beautiful things come out of the most broken. ❤️

To my children

You will someday understand what it means to love someone more that yourself, so much that you would do anything to see them happy and smile. You will love them unconditionally and nothing will ever change the way you think or feel about them. You will always be quick to defend them, quick to rescue them, quick to listen to their stories, listen to their sweet songs even if they are of key because to you it will be the sweetest music to your ears, and when they tell you they love you there will be no doubts and no worries, you will always know that no matter what their love will always be with you. You will be their parent and you will always do your best for them just as I have for you, and it’s safe to say that yes along that journey you will make your mistakes just as I have along mine, but one thing will always be certain the love will always outshine everything. You will have your bad days but at the end of the night as you tuck that little one or ones into bed and those words “I love you mommy” “I love you daddy” come out you will know it was all worth it. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new start, and you may make a few more mistakes but hopefully they won’t notice that when they get older, hopefully they will only know of the love that you gave them and you always did your best for them.

It’s the little things

Ever since I can remember I have always been put down in some way, this of course has affected me with my confidence, my self esteem, and ultimately pushing me to be someone I’m not for years. I wore a mask to hide the pain because every time I did try to tell someone how I felt it got brushed away with a I’m being over dramatic, I’m a drama queen, I learned over the years to add that type of attitude into my sense of humor and joke when someone would say those things about me even if it hurt. I ultimately shut down, when you get constantly shut down, rejected, abandoned, by the people that are suppose to love you for you and accept you for all that you are, over and over again one after another there becomes a void and the mask becomes your guard. I can’t tell you truly when I got tired of playing along, but I know I wanted to find myself, I hated myself, and I was lost. So with everything falling down around me, I decided it was time to rebuild and find myself for me and no one else. Some people didn’t like it, but I needed it. I wanted to be able to look at myself and like who I saw. So with no one truly understanding and me feeling alone and putting on a brave face, slowly I began to find myself. Man it felt great, I felt amazing. Little did I know it would have its set backs. I don’t ask for help. But I learned during this process that it’s okay to reach out, and if you only have one person in your corner that believes in you, you can do anything as long as you believe in yourself too. You might forget but that’s what that person(s) are there for to remind you that you got this, those little things matter. I could have 100 people telling me 100 things and I can tell you right now I’ll only hear the person I know who actually believes in me, the one that can see when I’m lost with just a couple words or a simple look and say you will make it through this. I can make it through anything, because I believe in myself, I’ve made it through so much and mostly alone. I’m just now learning how to let people in and get to know the real me and that’s a damn scary process. Talk about run and hide. Cry myself to sleep at night. 😂🤣 questioning everything like why do you actually like me? You know I’m crazy right? I wasn’t lying? I’m going to mess up somewhere? And I’m scared to death of losing people. I fear rejection, I’d rather run from my own emotions then face them for the fear of rejection from anyone but I won’t admit that to the ones that matter I’ll act like losing someone doesn’t bother me. Like not being a part of their life isn’t a big thing. It is what it is right because I’m use to it I’ve been there before and done it over and over repeatedly. When truth is I just want to be apart of their lives and I want them to want me to be apart of theirs, I want them to want to know me, I want them to share things and get excited with me and happy and stupid and laugh so when the time comes for this life to be over it will have been all those little things that mattered and made things so amazing and great with everyone in my life. All the little moments made the bigs ones happen.

Why

So in my first post I said at a later entry I would open up more about some things I had been through, if you have checked out my page and some of my posts? Is that what you call these? Then you can see I suffer from anxiety, depression, and some other things. I have suffered with depression since high school that I can truly remember, that’s where the memories of me laying in bed asking to be taken away, crying myself to sleep every night are, I had started cutting myself before high school but when the depression took over fully and I didn’t realize what was happening it became an outlet for everything I couldn’t talk about, and the feelings I didn’t want to face, and became to much to bare. I went 14 years without cutting after my mom found out and then my dad died two years ago and who knew that demon was still on my shoulder and could still take over. It’s been a few months now since the last time I cut. Depression is a wicked evil thing, and anxiety is its side kick. Or the other way around depending on the day really. I’ve done counseling and for me it doesn’t help, I talk about my past, I know what caused this and what caused that doesn’t for me anyway change the fact that I know have this or feel a certain way. I love to write I feel this outlet helps me most, especially when I can’t get out what I’m feeling to a person. I always feel alone, I have great an amazing friends! Especially one who has helped me tremendously through a lot… but constantly opening up to them about my feelings big or little, I feel like I’m burdening with my problems and then that causes me to feel guilt and shame. It’s hard and no they never make me feel like ever! It’s the anxiety I say or maybe it’s true. They don’t tell me anyway and they don’t make me feel that way. There are days where it’s hard to keep my head up. I just want to sink to the floor, give in to the numbness and let it take me and not care anymore, but I know that’s not me and it’s not fair to myself or the ones who believe in me. So I continue everyday to keep going. I wanted to do something with my life that I felt mattered. And if sharing my writings or my thoughts can help just one person feel like they aren’t alone, that someone out there does understand, then that’s why I do this. So that one person, that feels broken, doesn’t have to feel so broken and alone, because know I’m broken too, I’m damaged, I’m scarred, I’m tired, I’m torn into pieces, but I’m also the most beautiful and unique and have the biggest heart, prettiest eyes, and best smile and I can say the same for you.

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