Process

It wasn’t suppose to be like this.

I was suppose to be okay

I think I’m dying a little more

Everyday.

My heart is broken.

And I try so hard to feel.

I made a promise

Just trying to process

I’ve become someone else

I can’t reach the old me

I can’t see who I use to be

Your voice has faded

I looked at the red,green, yellow and blue lights

Illuminate the night time

The joy I once felt

Now a void that can’t be filled

Each day

With each day that passes

I wonder who will break

This silence is never ending

On long drawn out days

I lay and fantasize of a face

I was once familiar with

Wondering who you are now

It only lasts for a minute

Before I pull myself together

Not normal

I’ve never been normal or felt normal. Every since I can remember I have always felt too much and way to deep. You could blame it on my childhood traumas but to me it’s just who I am. I’m loud, I’m extreme, I fear change. I give way to many chances to people who prove to me repeatedly that they don’t care. I spend my life breaking my own heart for others. I’m the one you won’t notice, the one that won’t let you in, because it’s easier to just not be disappointed and if the off chance I do let you in I will only hope that you don’t let me down. I love hard and for a long time but never am I loved back. I enjoy the little things like hang out with people I love or when someone takes time out of their day to say “hey, how are you today?”

I’m the person who tells people to never give up on themselves because they have so much in their life to look forward to, and yet I constantly give up on myself or believe I don’t matter. I spend my nights with tears in my eyes wondering what I did wrong. I spend my days wishing I knew what it is that I really want out of this life.

I’m the loner who sticks to themselves, who waits way to long to ask for help when I need it because in the end I have faced some hard times completely on my own. I stare blankly around a crowded room and make myself smaller not saying a word in order to not be noticed by others.

Then there’s this side that just wants to be free, have fun, let go and feel the wind in my hair, the water against my skin. I dream of being “normal” and being “seen and known.”

I dream of a day where I feel like I truly belong.

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