Process

It wasn’t suppose to be like this.

I was suppose to be okay

I think I’m dying a little more

Everyday.

My heart is broken.

And I try so hard to feel.

I made a promise

Just trying to process

I’ve become someone else

I can’t reach the old me

I can’t see who I use to be

Your voice has faded

I looked at the red,green, yellow and blue lights

Illuminate the night time

The joy I once felt

Now a void that can’t be filled

Each day

With each day that passes

I wonder who will break

This silence is never ending

On long drawn out days

I lay and fantasize of a face

I was once familiar with

Wondering who you are now

It only lasts for a minute

Before I pull myself together

Reminders and day dreaming

I can’t seem to get you off my mind lately. Maybe it’s because of where I am again or maybe I’m just living in the past. A time where I smiled more and felt more than I have in awhile. A time when I wanted to not feel anything but felt everything. Now I want to feel everything but feel nothing. I miss you more as the days pass.

I wish I could see your face again, hear your voice, having that easy going conversation again that always just seemed to flow so naturally between us. I re-read our old conversations that are now in my archived messages and my heart smiles and sinks in my chest at once.

Then I get mad at myself, why should I care how you are? Why should I be thinking about you when you probably don’t care and aren’t thinking about me. You aren’t missing me, because if you did you would reach out. You wouldn’t be silent.

I feel sorry that you live a life that has taught you to trust no one. That you are so closed off and scared of someone truly caring for you that you run at every chance you get. You ghost when your feelings get involved until you can get them back in check. No one should live their life afraid of their own feelings, of being seen for who they are or being loved by others. You end up missing out on so much more.

I have no clue what will happen, what the future has in store, but for now I’ll spend my time living in reminders that you are now just somebody that I use to know, and day dreaming of a different time, a different place, a world where mine was better because you were in it and knowing that no matter how I feel I can’t wait around. So for now I will live with the heartbreak, and work myself to moving forward again. Over and over if I have to.

Going back.

Sometimes you have to go back in order to heal and face things you never wanted to face before. Be brave and get it right. Unfortunately sometimes going back brings back good and bad memories. The way a person looked at you, the way that at that point in your life you had someone to share in all the good and bad things and how it breaks your heart they aren’t there anymore. And you find yourself wishing that you could grab on to that happiness and hold on to it so tightly. But that happiness is no longer there, just the reminders of what was and what will never be again.

So even though you don’t try to you pull the mask down in place over the tears that slip down your cheeks and show the world your smile, but behind that mask you are broken with a heart that is heavy. Missing someone, something you can no longer have. You can’t even tell who you are or who you want to be anymore.

So I’ll walk around and pretend because maybe one day I’ll have that person who was always reaching out or maybe that person I’ve loved for so long will open their eyes and finally notice me for me. Or maybe I’ll finally notice myself.

Longing

Ever since I can remember I have longed for family. The kind that pulls together in the face of tragedy, that lifts you up, and makes you want to continue on. That protects you from the world when it starts to fall apart.

Unfortunately the only time I had that was when I was a doe eyed child with childish notions of how life was, when fairytale was real and happened everyday. In the 5th grade I dealt with the abandonment of the father I looked up to, leaving for another state without a word to me, because he didn’t know better, he didn’t realize how broken it would make me in the coming years.

The mother who even though I know she had her demons from her own childhood, did the best she could but still caused scars on my heart from hurtful things she said and did.

The brothers and cousins, I longed to know, watched the closeness of them, but always felt I never fit in or belonged. They were all I had, every single one of them and I watched as my look on family became but a distant memory I so desperately tried to find, only to be disappointed.

I know the saying blood doesn’t make family and over the years I have made my own, the friends who have loved me just as I am, held me and comforted me in some of my darker times, but still an ache of what I wish I could of had. I know now I can’t always get what I want in life. I faced that fact the moment I lost my dad and then again when I prayed god not take my mother from me.

I’m not the doe eyed little girl anymore, I’m the woman who has been through more than she should of, lost her innocence, been taken for granted, used, and torn down by those who have entered into her life and left just a quickly as they came in. Never realizing she was worth more than she was accepting. Just settling for what she thought she deserved. Self doubt is a bitch when it creeps up on you and makes you believe the lies in your head.

Through it all, a select few stay and prove I’m worthy of being loved for who I am, even if I have changed with everything that I have been through. They see me for me and accept it. They help keep me on the path they know I want to be desperately on. And on those days when I’m to weak to continue the course they hold me up and walk with me by my side.

Still apart of me holds on to the hope that one day my family will not look at me as if I’m just a ghost they can look past, but see me and accept me for who I am. See the strength I have had to overcome the demons that scratch at the back of my soul. How brave I had to be to continue when I wanted to give in and give up no matter the challenges life throws my way.

The hope that one day I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and it will find me as well. Just as a child hopes for the fairytale. It’s been a long life, set on a path to belonging, and I have had my glimpses of what it would be like only for them to be short lived. One day though. One day. Until then I trudge forward on this thing called life, taking in the lessons it has to offer me and learning from all that I can.

Getting older

Why do I feel as though the older I get, the more shut down I become just to make it through this thing called life? All that happens when you get older is you come to the realization that not everyone is going to last forever, slowly you start losing people. Your heart breaks over and over, you learn to cry less and less Bc it’s the circle of life, we are born to ultimately die. Everything we do in between, does it really matter? I don’t know. Losing people is never easy and it doesn’t get easier knowing there’s a time limit on everyone. It’s just a matter of when.

Can I got hide now?

Listen ya’ll. Well okay so you can’t actually listen Bc I get super awkward in front of a camera or on a phone… like does anyone else have that? Anyway. Let me get back on track here… so, last time I left you all, my life had taken a turn with my aunt wanting me to take care of her. Unfortunately her situation has turned and is now on hospice/end of life facility…. the same one my mom went to. Ain’t that some shitty news… I swear the old I become the more I realize it’s sucks more and more because all we do is watch as our loved ones just get older, sick, and die…. what is this shit? Oh it’s life…. doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck bit hairy monkey balls.

So with that. My nephew is now living with me because he and his now ex broke up. That’s been a fun little ride. My only hope is that he finds what it is that makes him happy. He’s still young so at least he finds out now? I’m not going to lie, having my nephew here I feel way less lonely than I have. He gives me another adult to talk to!!! Yay no more random conversations with myself. Yes I am absolutely that person, and yes I also answer my own questions. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve kind been soul searching the back of my eyelids a lot lately. Since before my mom passed I was on this whole staying up all night sleeping all day avoid all housework Bc come on adults hate it. But now I can get myself on a decent schedule one to two times a week. Hey this is major progress for me. For two days I’m a normal functioning human. But then I have those days where I just want to hide. I think I will constantly deal with this feeling but as long as I don’t given in to it I should be golden.

I have recently gotten into this YouTube channel, Bailey sarian, I’m a huge crime show junkie, and let me to tell you she talks about criminal cases while doing her makeup…. I’m jelly. I highly suggest if anyone is interested in crime cases or crime shows, check her out. I absolutely enjoy her commentary while talking about all these cases, most we haven’t known about, a few are higher profile ones everyone knows about but hey 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think I have a new addiction. Just one more reason to chill and relax in front of my tv.

Alright well that’s some updates over here. Just trying to keep my head held high, and keep moving forward and still looking forward to see where this crazy thing called life will take me.

Why can’t I forget you?

I try not to remember the talks. Or the way you smile. I try not to remember the feel of your hand, or your lips. I try over and over again without success to forget you, why can’t I?

Did I imagine everything? Was it just a dream, that I’m trying to awake from? The way we connected, was it just an addiction, drinking you in? Must I kick the habit? Or was it just truly fate stepping in when you walked into my life? Why can’t I forget you?

Were you meant to be only a lesson? is this my punishment for letting my wall down and allowing myself those moments of vulnerability? It hurts to remember your face, the way you smelled, the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice, why can’t I forget you?

Why encourage me? Why keep me along for the ride? Were you scared of how I made you feel? How for once you were being seen? Not for who you put yourself off to be but for who you really were? We held on so tight and still you slipped through my fingers tips like the tiny grands of sand. Why can’t I forget?

It was never my plan, it was never in my cards, to fall for you. And still even with my denials, and fighting myself, I fell deeply, I worry, I care, and I love you unconditionally. I can’t forget you… no matter how hard I’ve tried. You come back to my mind. My hand is out stretched toward you as turn away, thinking I’ve given up but never truly know my pain. Why can’t I forget?

I’ll never forget you, for when you fall so in love, so unconditionally, you give a piece of you to that person so that maybe if they leave, just maybe you can hold on to the hope that one day they will come back and make you whole once again. I’ll search without meaning to, I remember certain sayings, certain songs, I’ll get sad you’re not hear to talk to, and then I’ll continue one day at a time, just for the chance to tell you, you do matter to me, and that’s why I set you free. my love for you will never change, and no matter how much I try to forget you, I never will, because deep down I never want to forget you. So my last question is can you forget me?

Grieving

It’s been 6 weeks since the passing of my mother, and with each day that passes I feel her absence more and more. I never really spent hours crying, it comes in waves.

As I sit here, missing her, with tears running down my face, I remember all the nights I would climb in bed with her when I was a child and into my teens to lay with her and watch some movie, asking her to rub my back or arm, just so I could fall asleep. Spending my days watching Port Charles, All My Children, One Life To Live, and General Hospital. Her love for Kevin Bacon, and John Travolta movies. Her love for Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Johnny cash, June Carter cash, The Judds, and so much more.

When she quit smoking and I stayed up all night with her laying at the end of her bed kicking our legs until sleep overtook me and me waking up to the smell of coffee. Taking our daily nature walks and collecting pop cans and bottles that had been discarded in the woods across from our trailer park, and no matter what was going on with me how she could always get me to open up and let the tears out while she held me in her arms usually with her own tears streaming down her face as well.

All the times that it stormed and woke me up and I would jump out of my bed and run to her for safety. And yes this happened even after I became an adult. All the times I wouldn’t be feeling good and she would make me food, or rub my head.

The last tv show I watched with her was North and South, the last movie I watched with her was I Can Only Imagine, it greatly saddens me that I will no longer be able to have another conversation with her asking her questions about what’s going on in North and South, or after watching a movie listening to Christian music. (something she just learned I listen to)

The woman who was so excited to see each one of her grandkids be born, just so she could spoil them with love. The woman who loved my friends as if they were her own children being there for each one when they needed someone to talk to and felt they needed a loving presence in their life.

The most stubborn, big hearted, crazy, loving, wonderful woman who raised me, while working two jobs, making sure I never went without. The woman who every chance she got would tell me I love you, just because.

I lived my life, hating how much she overprotected me, trying her best and in her own ways to not let me make my own mistakes, fights and arguments ensued over it, into adulthood, and now I wish she was here just to do the same things that drove me completely insane and I complained about ever since I could complain.

Don’t ever take your parents for granted, for all they do, good and bad, their love is there, and once they are gone, you miss them, you miss everything that you can’t have back. What I wouldn’t give to have one more fight, one more disagreement, one more I love you, one more I’m sorry but you are my babygirl and will always be my babygirl. One more I told you so. One more day to have her wrap her arms around me and just hug me, to cry with me.

I’d redo it all over again and even knowing everything I know, I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t change watching as my completely self sufficient, strong willed, stubborn, hard headed mother, become a different version of herself. I would still stay up and help her to the bathroom, I would still take the stress, and overwhelming feeling of the inevitable death, as her body began to transition. And I would still tell her it was okay to leave, that we would all be okay, even if we aren’t okay all the time, to go be with the children she lost all those years ago, and go be with God because that’s where she’s always wanted to be. I would still tell her I will see her again one day and I would tell her again that I love her.

It’s true what she wrote cancer sucks, and my brother and I would never truly know how much she loved us, or how much watching her go through cancer and not be able to help her in anyway would tear us apart on the inside. But we will never regret a moment we had with her. All the years we each got with her, or how much we truly did love her and how much and how hard it is to miss her each and everyday that she is gone.

Until we meet again mommy. We love you. We miss you. And things just aren’t the same without you here. Sending my love to you.

She was use to it

She was use to being used for a period of time, and then tossed to the side. She grew numb to the feelings of distance that seemed to come every time she just started to be come happy. She was use to the lie, and not being worth the truth. She was use to caring more for others than they did her. She was use to giving her all and getting nothing in return. She became use to feeling alone and not wanting to even try. She was use to getting ghosted over and over again, and mostly she was use to losing the ones she loved. It was her life, and she would keep going with the faith that maybe one day she could finally say it was all worth it.

He told her she was strong enough, a tough cookie, and that he believed in her. She believed in him. And through his eyes she could see herself. Fear overwhelmed her. Insecurities overtook her. Replaying old conversations in her head wondering if she had missed all the signs, or just simply over looked them, because when she needed him most, he wasn’t around, no where to be found, and once again she was use to it. Her heart was big, but her heart was broken and shattered. People warned her she would get hurt and she didn’t listen. She closed her ears and listened with her heart and soul, and then the conversation became more and more distant. It felt like the further she reached for him the further away he moved, until she gave up reaching out. Knowing she would once again leave a piece of herself with someone and never get it back.

The lessons he taught her would stay. Not a bad word would come from her mouth. Because she was use to it. She wasn’t with the truth, the knowledge, so she slipped silently away and let him be happy without her, hoping he would hold on to his smile and laugh, even if she cried herself to sleep. Maybe one day he would return and it would be as if no time had passed, but until then all she could say was she was use to it.

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