Precious moments

“I love you.” She said as I passed her

“I love you too.” I reply as I begin to enter my room.

It wasn’t a question, just a simple statement that you say to your kids, I didn’t know how many more of these I had left with her. So after staying up most of the night I made her some scrambled eggs, and handed her the plate. As she started to feed herself I noticed her grip wasn’t as firm and the plate was tilting, out of instinct I grabbed the plate from her sat down on the floor in front of her and began to spoon feed her. She scratched her nose and on an exhausted breath looked me in the eye and said “you’re a good daughter.” All because of a simple act and showing her love. I was losing my mother. The one who had spent years not only taking care of me but helped raised my children as well. I was scared to death that one of these mornings I would wake up and she would be gone.

My brother sat on one end of the couch, and I on the other, as the nurse checked out my mother and another began talking about end of life care facilities, costs, and others that I couldn’t get to understand. I was exhausted, my mother sat on the edge of her hospital bed, she was tired, she was worn out, and as she tried to listen she looked over at me and seen the tears streaming down my cheeks

“ what’s wrong babygirl?” She asked.

“Nothing mom.” I replied as I fought more tears that wanted to escape my betraying eyes.

“Come on babygirl, what’s wrong?”

“I want to give you what you want but I need help. I want to be your daughter again, I want to enjoy the time I have left with you.” I say in defeat.

My mother hangs her head and begins to cry. I go to her and wrap her in my arms as if I can stop what is happening to her body with the love I have for her. I kiss the top of her now bald head and tell her I love her. We are both worn down from the fight. We didn’t have enough time. Two months without her chemo treatment and her body had turned on her. She was done fighting, she was ready. Ready to take our love with her to heaven as she said to me.

A few days later we gathered around her window, as we waited for her to take her final breath, and her heart to stop beating. She was right, on the day her body became a shell, and her soul went to be with our Heavenly Father, she took all the love we had for her with her. These moments I think back on, and I cherish knowing I will never hear her say a simple I love you as I walk passed her.

6 months and the final goodbye

The morning of may 13,2020 was one of the hardest days anyone can go through. Waking up to a phone call saying “it’s time, we don’t think she will make it the rest of the day.” So even though you want to curl up into a ball of security under your warm comfortable blankets you push them off of you get your butt out of bed and force yourself to get dressed, you put one foot in front of the other as you get in the car and drive in a daze to your destination to be with your mom as she gets ready to take her last breath. It was 6 months ago and I still remember the phone call, I remember every word I said to her as she began to slip from this world, I couldn’t hold her hand, or give her a kiss, a window separated us from each other.

It’s been as if I’m living in an alternate reality since that day. I can still hear her voice in my head telling me every chance she got that she loved me. I know I said my goodbye to her then, but today, today is the day we take what we have left of her and place them beside her best friend and sister for all eternity, their final resting place, and if I’m being completely honest I just don’t know if I’m ready. You see I’ve thought about this day ever since she her heart stopped, and it’s not going the way I had hoped it would. Then again it won’t stop me from once again putting one foot in front of the other, placing her ashes next to her sister and saying my final goodbye to woman who spent 31 years raising me, loving me, and being my biggest support, she was the one I cried to, the one who told me everything will be okay when my life felt as though it was in complete shambles. So today I will take a breath and continue to move forward on this journey of healing.

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