If I could have anything I wished for, it would be to go back to a time when everything in my life wasn’t so down, a time when I was truly happy. I want to be okay. I want to be strong. But truth is I’m not okay, and I haven’t been in a long time.
I find myself asking what I did in my life that deserved such a horrible karma such as losing my father and my mother. To have such anxiety and depression that I don’t want to leave the safety of my own bed.
Night time is the worst. I see the image of my father cold and lifeless on a metal table and I touch his hair and tell him this wasn’t suppose to happen. He wasn’t the one I was preparing to say goodbye to.
I see images of my mother weak, bald, and hanging her head in defeat knowing she doesn’t have much time left with her loved ones because the cancer has taken its toll on her. And there I am helpless once again as I watch her take her last breath and I can’t even be next to her touching her, holding her like I so want to.
The only thing I can do is feel the sadness wash over me, paralyzing me from the life I once lived. Continuously worrying about who and how I will lose the next person in my life, and how there is nothing I can do to save them.
So instead of closing my eyes to sleep, I distract myself until my body and mind are to exhausted to function. Or cry until there’s nothing left in me to do but sleep and not dream. Once I wake maybe I’ll feel different, but I don’t. But I have to hold myself together for my children. The only thing I have left that makes life worth living.
By now I should be use to what life has to throw my way, all the ups and the downs. I know I’m not okay, but I so desperately want to be. I want to feel normal again, and functioning. I want to go after my dreams and have hopes again. Instead of feeling constant dread. I’m not okay but I try to be everyday.