Another birthday

I remember a time that I was so excited for my birthday to come, but after losing my dad my birthday became a sad reminder that I would never again hear the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone telling me happy birthday and love you, but I held onto the fact that I still had my mom.

Then last year my mother passed and my birthday came and instead of missing one I was missing both. This year I didn’t go all out or even get excited, instead of having my annual count down of my birthday is in ….. days, I just let the days pass.

As I woke this morning to the sound of my daughters voice saying happy birthday mommy, my heart melted with love but also sadness at not receiving the calls I so desperately wish I could get again. So I took to social media and wrote to them.

“It’s days like today that I will forever miss the sound of your voice on the other end of the phone or your messages to me telling me happy birthday, thank you for bringing me into this life and I know you are screaming from heaven happy birthday.” Now it probably wasn’t that put together as I was still half asleep, but you get the gist. Lol.

I know that there will be days that my heart aches for the ones I have lost that meant so much to me, but I’m also learning that I can not let my life pass me by, or allow myself to wallow in the pain. So today goes to celebrating my parents for bringing me into this life, and doing the best they could to raise me. One day we will be together again.

What’s there to say?

Well, I’m learning that even though I have been through some not so ideal situations, the truth is I made it through them. Did I get down on myself? Beat myself up? Did some of those situations tear my heart out from my chest cavity? Did it feel like my guts were being ripped out from the inside left to hang where everyone could see? Yes…. And more often then not I wanted to curl up in the safety of my bed, with my head tucked under the covers as a child does when scared of the shadows that dance in their room at night. Maybe I did that for a moment but I released my he blanket and got out of bed.

I trudged through the rooms of my home and hoped into that shower even if I shed a couple tears as the water slid down my face and act as if I didn’t just let some of the pain I was feeling out. Then I got out wrapped my towel around me and dried myself off, only to force my feet into the leg of my pants and pull them up to my waist. I pulled the shirt over my head and put my arms through the sleeves. I then held my head up high and walked outside into the sun.

As I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face, I couldn’t help but to feel just a tad bit lighter, so I put one foot in front of the other and continued to do so until I began to laugh for no reason at all except out of pure joy. Happiness starts to wash over me like the waves of the ocean onto the shore. My heart fills with some unrecognizable feeling that has been long forgotten. My lips spread into a smile that begins to hurt my cheeks and still I can not stop. For in this moment I know everything will be okay and I will make it through another day.

You see, it’s okay to be down, and sometimes we have a habit of getting stuck in that dark place, but fighting through, being proud that you got out of bed, took a shower, brushed your teeth, or just got dressed is okay. Be proud of what you accomplished even if it doesn’t seem like a lot. Before you know it you have more things to be grateful for, to smile about, to laugh about. Keep moving with your head high.

New journey

Make decisions and sticking with them. I left my mother’s beloved home behind, to much happened there and I knew I would t be able to heal myself or my children. I often wonder if I’m making the right decision or making a rash decision. It’s hard. I constantly feel as though I’m in a lose lose situation. But this decision was for the best. I thought of every possible solution and answer. Even though it was hard.

I’m living with friends and it’s going well at least I would say that. I’m grateful to have a place to go and lay my head. Now if only I could pull my head out of my ass and find a job that makes me feel like I’m headed in the right direction. I feel so much pressure I put on myself and then I feel anxious about what I choose. I don’t feel “happy” I guess that’s a part of the progress though. Learning to change one’s self.

Signed up for school something I have put off for four years now. I can’t let anything stop me or hold me back any longer. Or I will constantly find reasons to put it off. Then to find a job that I can work around my school schedule. Life seems to be so hard but I feel like I can breathe some. And that is always a plus. Even though the depression has its days where it comes roaring it’s ugly head and I find myself hiding in my dream world where everything as I would like it to be. I know I can’t do this all the time. Reality must find me eventually, and sooner rather than later.

Maybe one day I won’t feel so empty anymore, maybe one day I won’t be stuck in such a turmoil and grief that outweighs everything else. For now I will count my blessing as I continue putting one foot in front of the other on this new journey, and finding my happiness again.

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