When darkness calls to me

My prince of darkness came in without warning, took me completely by surprise, the moment our eyes met, I felt the instantaneous pull towards him. Like nothing I’d ever felt. My soul screamed this is who you have been waiting for. You know him, and just like that I opened up for the first time in my life I felt safe to just be me. My heart leaped from my chest, and I couldn’t get enough, I had to know him, every part. The silence was no longer, my world became more than I even thought possible. Someone was finally seeing me when I had always been completely invisible. Fate is always funny that way. As it was the wrong timing for us, but we still found ourselves growing closer even though that wasn’t the intent. I found myself smiling and laughing when I couldn’t even remember the last time I had. I found myself looking forward to my days and nights once again. The woman who had grown cold and distant, was thawing unexpectedly. With each day that passed, I’m sure I had loved him in a different life. Two souls connected. I needed him like the air I breathed. It wasn’t long before I realized my soul was in love with his, unconditionally, I was his. I would spend much of my time trying to push him away, I would spend a lot of my time planning the escape, but I could never follow through, I would screw it up, I couldn’t be put on a pedestal, I would just fall. My greatest fear became losing the one person on this planet that knew me for me, without judgement. But I feared the unknown, I feared the rejection, I feared myself becoming to happy, so as everything else in life that’s good, I ran, as far and as fast as I could when things got tough. I know I hurt him, it wasn’t my intention, I had hurt myself more than he would ever know. I was attached, my heart called out to him, and every time it did, my mind would tell me what are you going to do when he leaves. Run before he can. You fuck everything up this is no different. Nothing good ever stays for long. My heart hoped that he would be able to see the fear, he calmed my soul, but I couldn’t get past he was my weakness, I had become completely and utterly vulnerable to him, giving him every piece and part of me that I had left. My soul shattered that day. And now I live my life a shell of who I once was all because I couldn’t be honest with myself or with him. I know he was my last and final love no one would ever replace him and I would never bother to try.

“Do you hate me?” He asked…

“I could never hate you.” Was my reply.

In that one sentence, what I was really saying, is no matter what, no matter where this life takes us, my heart and soul belong to you and you alone, you are worth everything, but I am nothing, for I will screw it up, and push you away, fight it until I have no fight left in me, because you have all the power to destroy me.

Fate brought us together but it would be me that burns from the flame I play with, because I would always make sure you stay a safe distance from the roller coaster of chaos I could be. But I found myself, found the love I had for all that I was but you needed more time. So I would tell you until next time.

Betrayed

I’ve been betrayed by a lot of people in my time. The truth is though the worst betrayal comes from the ones you love most. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I have plenty of broken promises and betrayals on my end too. The people that have walked in and out of my life have been the ones I thought for sure I’d never lose, my heart breaks for the people I have had to let go over time, hoping that they would see me and appreciate me for me and not just a toy or a convenience to pass the time. Putting my trust into others was probably the worst mistake I made to myself. You grieve a friendship just as much as you grieve a death. Then you do your best to move on. If there’s anything I can say, to those I have betrayed or hurt, I’m so sorry, it was never my intention to hurt you. I messed up and I let you down and now I must live with that for the rest of my life. I will continue to hope for the best with you, and pray one day you can forgive me. I’ve been betrayed by friends and family alike. Never suspected a thing until it was too late, maybe then I would of guarded myself and my things better than I did.

Losing everything

You know when you put your trust in people that have let you down before it’s a safe bet they won’t change and will let you down again. Their own needs and wants will always surpass their selfish desires will overcome all. They won’t respect you as they should and they will do everything they can to destroy you. The best thing is these people are so pathetic that they live life off others and eventually will have their own fate and karma. They will eventually need someone and no one will be around for them as they will have pushed and destroyed all their relationships that mattered. I feel truly sorry for these people who can not see the truth behind a real relationship, friendship, or even what it means to be family. To help someone to help. Not to get something in return. To hold it over other heads and keep another in debted to them until they feel they have served their purpose. Repeating the same cycles over and over again. They will never know what happiness really is. They will only know what it feels like for a fleeting moment.

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