I’m not okay…

I go each day with this fake smile plastered on my face and pretend like everything is okay. You could literally look me in the face and would never know that on the inside I feel completely dead. A way to protect my mind from falling apart or maybe if I do it long enough I’ll actually believe it one day. Of course, I know better it hasn’t changed since my first run in with depression, of course back then I didn’t know how to disassociate myself.

Disconnect from all that makes me, me…. Feelings, emotions, memories, and the longer I do it the further away I become from someone I use to know dearly. Feeling happy is a very rare occasion for me since more of my time is spent locked under a blanket wishing it could actually help me escape the world and what comes with it. I spend more time sleeping and dreaming then I do in the waking world. But hey no one can tell the difference. Sometimes I really wish someone could see it though.

I wish so badly that someone could see how loud I’m screaming on the inside, but all they hear is my silence on the out. I wish someone would wrap their arms around me and never let me go, instead of taking advantage of me in my weakened states. All these “men” that pretend to care but only add to the hate I have for myself every time I don’t fight, or ask and beg them to stop but my pleas only land on def ears as they do what they will.

My trust has been broken more times then I can even count, and along this journey of life I’ve completely lost who I am and what I stand for. I wish I could go back to the days where I was a little carefree girl who didn’t remember being betrayed. Who believed in the people around her and loved so deeply…

How easy it would be to leave this cold world behind, but I won’t, or maybe I can’t. At this point I’m not really sure what is correct and what isn’t. What more lessons does this life have to teach me, what more must I endure? My soul is shattered and I’m holding it together with duct tape and super glue, I’m surviving because that’s what I always do by any means the goal is to just survive another day in this messed up world.

It’s been awhile…

It’s been awhile since I have wrote, so many changes…. Still depressed, but I’m working on it. Got a job and I love it…. Hate my house….. hoping to move soon. Lost some friends… lost another family member to the thing called the life cycle. I think that death fucked up my head….. my panic attacks are back in full swing and bigger than ever, but don’t worry Bc I know have professional help with a psychologist…. Bc when I do something I do it big…… but I won’t lie I really like my person I just wish I could spend more than one hour talking to her a week, it truly never seems like enough time. Ugh!

Life seems to always make me realize that you can’t control anything… one minute I’m fine feeling great about everything and then it’s like a tidal wave comes over me and I don’t want to get out of my bed Bc once again the world is a scary fucking place. Let’s not forget my head loves to torture me with the past few years and the worst times of my life…. I did absolutely nothing for two days… and now I can’t sleep…. I don’t think work will be happening tomorrow.

Maybe I’ve been going through a mid life crisis all these years..🤔 they eventually end right? It’s a nice thought, hopefully but I doubt it… ptsd is more like it. This whole insomnia I got going on is going to be the death of me if I can’t figure a way to make it better. Figuring out what my triggers are for my panic attacks though is harder than I thought. Like fuck why couldn’t I just be normal?

Yea I know people I’m blabbing on and on…. This is what happens though when you constantly feel tired but can’t sleep, I ultimately talk to myself…. 😔 yes, I’m grateful for being strong but I’m also so tired of always being strong as well…..

Signing off for now, the sleep deprived woman.

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