It has me in it grips and it holds me down, the fear of losing the only parent I have left now. I have the time, the preparation to prepare for this one, but the realization that one day I won’t have her, that fear strangles me. My sense of peace. My little piece left is going to be taken and I can’t stop it. I have no control over this situation. I have to come the the acceptance of it. Cancer will take her from my brother and I. She will leave us and all we will have are the memories. I will be shattered and I won’t know for how long. I will lose my mother a fight none of us can win, it’s life you see… so they say. Part of growing up. The worst part.. watching the ones you love leave and having to say goodbye, as you put a smile on and pretend your brave, when really you feel like a five year old child all over again. Just give me the strength to get through all this. That’s all I ask. Don’t let me fall apart the way I did before. Don’t let me get lost on the path again.
I find myself in a place where all of my friends are on different paths than me, and I struggle with having to let them go. They once were the support I needed to get through all the horrible awful things I went through. But slowly as time passes one by one they fade out. And all I’m left with is myself. No support, and no one to talk to about what goes on in my head as I let the little bit of friendships slip through the fingers and I become completely and utterly alone. Holding myself in the darkest place I know. As my mind tells me I won’t make it through this, I’m not strong enough. I’ll never win this fight. This is my biggest downfall, my biggest weakness, knowing that in the end I will always be alone and people will always slowly walk from my life because that is the way it’s suppose to be. Happiness doesn’t stay for long, before the dark cloud of doom sneaks its ugly head in and takes over. I’m backed into a corner, curled in on myself trying hard not to let the tears fall from my eyes as I say goodbye as I am touched on my shoulder, a shadow, my shadow the one thing that never leaves. Sits beside me and the tears begin to fall.