Not normal

I’ve never been normal or felt normal. Every since I can remember I have always felt too much and way to deep. You could blame it on my childhood traumas but to me it’s just who I am. I’m loud, I’m extreme, I fear change. I give way to many chances to people who prove to me repeatedly that they don’t care. I spend my life breaking my own heart for others. I’m the one you won’t notice, the one that won’t let you in, because it’s easier to just not be disappointed and if the off chance I do let you in I will only hope that you don’t let me down. I love hard and for a long time but never am I loved back. I enjoy the little things like hang out with people I love or when someone takes time out of their day to say “hey, how are you today?”

I’m the person who tells people to never give up on themselves because they have so much in their life to look forward to, and yet I constantly give up on myself or believe I don’t matter. I spend my nights with tears in my eyes wondering what I did wrong. I spend my days wishing I knew what it is that I really want out of this life.

I’m the loner who sticks to themselves, who waits way to long to ask for help when I need it because in the end I have faced some hard times completely on my own. I stare blankly around a crowded room and make myself smaller not saying a word in order to not be noticed by others.

Then there’s this side that just wants to be free, have fun, let go and feel the wind in my hair, the water against my skin. I dream of being “normal” and being “seen and known.”

I dream of a day where I feel like I truly belong.

Lost

I can’t tell you what I’m doing with my life because the truth is I have no idea. I can’t tell you what it is I want to be or who I am because in my minds eye it’s so bleak.

I’ve been lost for so long that I have no clue how to be found and every time I try I get more lost along the way. I don’t know what it is that I like or love anymore. How can I when all I feel is hollowness inside my soul.

My days are not bright and filled with color from the sun rise. They are as dark as a black out in the city. I’m cold and alone in this world. I’m lost out to sea wondering which way the wind shall carry me.

Everyone is trying to save me, holding out their hands in desperation for me to take it, and all I wonder is how long before they give up and leave me to my emptiness. I don’t know how to put into words how I feel so that any of them can understand.

The world is dull. Moments pass by that I try to grasp at with failing results. I’m on autopilot, wondering when the spark will ignite once again.

Slipping back

Slowly I feel myself slipping back into the endless darkness.

As each and every emotion and insecurity wash over in my head like a tidal wave.

I can’t help but say “I’m fine”

As if it’s a reflex to hold back my breaking heart.

It’s back to the tightly stricken throat as if a noose pulls on it and tears form in my eyes and I tightly shut them praying they don’t escape.

Silently waiting.

Body wound as if an attack is coming and I must prepare for the fight against the unknown enemy

I sink to the floor and curl with my knees close to my chest wishing it would all stop.

That my breathing would regulate.

I feel every crack and open wound of my soul pouring over me and I wonder how I have made it this far.

Don’t give in I whisper to myself.

Keep fighting…

You have come this far….

Tomorrow is a new day.

I’m not okay…

I go each day with this fake smile plastered on my face and pretend like everything is okay. You could literally look me in the face and would never know that on the inside I feel completely dead. A way to protect my mind from falling apart or maybe if I do it long enough I’ll actually believe it one day. Of course, I know better it hasn’t changed since my first run in with depression, of course back then I didn’t know how to disassociate myself.

Disconnect from all that makes me, me…. Feelings, emotions, memories, and the longer I do it the further away I become from someone I use to know dearly. Feeling happy is a very rare occasion for me since more of my time is spent locked under a blanket wishing it could actually help me escape the world and what comes with it. I spend more time sleeping and dreaming then I do in the waking world. But hey no one can tell the difference. Sometimes I really wish someone could see it though.

I wish so badly that someone could see how loud I’m screaming on the inside, but all they hear is my silence on the out. I wish someone would wrap their arms around me and never let me go, instead of taking advantage of me in my weakened states. All these “men” that pretend to care but only add to the hate I have for myself every time I don’t fight, or ask and beg them to stop but my pleas only land on def ears as they do what they will.

My trust has been broken more times then I can even count, and along this journey of life I’ve completely lost who I am and what I stand for. I wish I could go back to the days where I was a little carefree girl who didn’t remember being betrayed. Who believed in the people around her and loved so deeply…

How easy it would be to leave this cold world behind, but I won’t, or maybe I can’t. At this point I’m not really sure what is correct and what isn’t. What more lessons does this life have to teach me, what more must I endure? My soul is shattered and I’m holding it together with duct tape and super glue, I’m surviving because that’s what I always do by any means the goal is to just survive another day in this messed up world.

Bad days

The one thing I have been noticing is that with depression and anxiety no matter how hard you try to keep your head up, you have your bad days, it’s inevitable, you think everything is going good, and bam one day you just are completely consumed, or this is how it feels. It’s been slowly creeping up but you have been pushing it away, fighting against it. These days are okay, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not have a good day. Just don’t get stuck there.

Today was my bad day. Nothing went right, I cried, and then I took a moment for myself, do I feel better? Not really at the moment, but I know tomorrow is another day, so I will try again tomorrow. So I will take my breath and do my best to hold my head up again, straighten my shoulders, because it was a bad day and it’s okay to have that. It will get better.

Why

So in my first post I said at a later entry I would open up more about some things I had been through, if you have checked out my page and some of my posts? Is that what you call these? Then you can see I suffer from anxiety, depression, and some other things. I have suffered with depression since high school that I can truly remember, that’s where the memories of me laying in bed asking to be taken away, crying myself to sleep every night are, I had started cutting myself before high school but when the depression took over fully and I didn’t realize what was happening it became an outlet for everything I couldn’t talk about, and the feelings I didn’t want to face, and became to much to bare. I went 14 years without cutting after my mom found out and then my dad died two years ago and who knew that demon was still on my shoulder and could still take over. It’s been a few months now since the last time I cut. Depression is a wicked evil thing, and anxiety is its side kick. Or the other way around depending on the day really. I’ve done counseling and for me it doesn’t help, I talk about my past, I know what caused this and what caused that doesn’t for me anyway change the fact that I know have this or feel a certain way. I love to write I feel this outlet helps me most, especially when I can’t get out what I’m feeling to a person. I always feel alone, I have great an amazing friends! Especially one who has helped me tremendously through a lot… but constantly opening up to them about my feelings big or little, I feel like I’m burdening with my problems and then that causes me to feel guilt and shame. It’s hard and no they never make me feel like ever! It’s the anxiety I say or maybe it’s true. They don’t tell me anyway and they don’t make me feel that way. There are days where it’s hard to keep my head up. I just want to sink to the floor, give in to the numbness and let it take me and not care anymore, but I know that’s not me and it’s not fair to myself or the ones who believe in me. So I continue everyday to keep going. I wanted to do something with my life that I felt mattered. And if sharing my writings or my thoughts can help just one person feel like they aren’t alone, that someone out there does understand, then that’s why I do this. So that one person, that feels broken, doesn’t have to feel so broken and alone, because know I’m broken too, I’m damaged, I’m scarred, I’m tired, I’m torn into pieces, but I’m also the most beautiful and unique and have the biggest heart, prettiest eyes, and best smile and I can say the same for you.

Silent

Just be still

Just be silent

For a moment

That’s all I ask of you

I know it’s hard

My brain won’t do it too.

Sleep is few and far between

Chasing dreams

Just out of my reach

Searching for peace

Take a breath

It’s okay

Not everything will go your way

Keep your head up

Don’t bottle those feelings up

Destructive

Living what you learn

Breaking the cycle

Knowing your worth.

Stay or run

I wonder if anyone will ever truly know me. Not just the part of me I let them see, but all of me, the whole me, the scarred, broken, damaged, pieces, that I try to hide from myself, the demons that I fight that I don’t really tell people about. How many people would I lose then? Would I be alone then? If I took of the mask that everyone has for me and let them truly see me for me? Sometimes I just wish I could let my guard down, have one safe place to go, but I know that safe places eventually burn to the ground. I would bet that most wouldn’t be able to tell my real smile from the fake. It’s quite sad actually how we all see only what we want, and we tend to shy away or run from what makes up truly happy, I know I do, all the damn time, in my head I’m telling myself it’s better this way, keeps anyone from getting hurt right? But when running from something you know you want even if it could be disastrous in the end, doesn’t that hurt more? Why do we fear so much that we do or say things that push ones we care about away? Why do we shut ourselves down from feeling anything at all? All these questions… I know, because I shut myself down a long time ago. When it comes to anything like that I’m just no good at it. Hahah. I’d rather run in the opposite direction than live in fear of the sad reality that I may lose someone if I let them in all the way and they did decide to stay.

My hell

Locked in a prison cell

Put under a dark spell

You want to be free

But don’t know how to escape reality

Face and names pass you by

Nothing wrong with saying hi

Until it catches you

And then your dead

Running from nightmares

Inside your head.

Anxiety

Lost in thoughts

I can’t escape

Buried in time

What a waste

Can’t catch my breath

My heads a mess

Don’t know what happened

Why you left

Now you treat me cold

Like all the rest

Think I’m crazy

Slowly sinking

Try to hold out hope

Not much left if I had to guess

Wish you hadn’t been like all the rest

Proved me right

Now you’re out of sight

It’s taken all my might

Only I can see the light

So bright it blinded me

Now I can’t breathe.

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