Why?

Some would ask me why I don’t give up on the ones I care so much about that don’t deserve my time or attention who have hurt me or done me wrong. My answer is this. When someone is hurting so deeply they need more love given to them, they can’t see how much they mean to others and in the process they tend to push those who care most about them away. My greatest aspect is when I love, I love fully and I share that love with those around me. I feel when they are in pain, and I do my best to take some of that pain from them and place it on myself giving in return the love they deserve.

No one is perfect including myself, and people make mistakes, but showing someone that no matter what you are there, that you love them through it all just maybe then they can see they are worth something when they feel like nothing. So that’s why I don’t give up, and because I know how it feels and I hate to see anyone go through feeling less than when they are so much more.

Slipping back

Slowly I feel myself slipping back into the endless darkness.

As each and every emotion and insecurity wash over in my head like a tidal wave.

I can’t help but say “I’m fine”

As if it’s a reflex to hold back my breaking heart.

It’s back to the tightly stricken throat as if a noose pulls on it and tears form in my eyes and I tightly shut them praying they don’t escape.

Silently waiting.

Body wound as if an attack is coming and I must prepare for the fight against the unknown enemy

I sink to the floor and curl with my knees close to my chest wishing it would all stop.

That my breathing would regulate.

I feel every crack and open wound of my soul pouring over me and I wonder how I have made it this far.

Don’t give in I whisper to myself.

Keep fighting…

You have come this far….

Tomorrow is a new day.

Memories of the past

The memories of our past stay with us long after they are done. They stay within our hearts, connecting us to those we once loved. Their help shape us into someone we want to be, before the world and life can break us down into pieces, before the rebuilds we must do over and over again. Those precious moments frozen in time, held in the deepest part of our mind, that we unlock from time to time.

We laugh, we love, we cry, we celebrate all these different seasons of our lives. They become bittersweet, as the movie replays, sometimes wishing we could go back to the days. When life, heart ache, pain and sadness were only a phase. The dreams we once had float to the clouds as we become who we are meant to be on a roller coaster of finite dreams.

If there was one thing

Thinking on my life, my only hope is that I changed someone’s life for the better. I gave them a smile when they felt like crying. I gave them a friend when they felt alone. That if they ever felt down on themselves that I was able to pick them up even only just a little. Then I’ll know this life was worth it all. That every hard day that I faced mattered. That my purpose was fulfilled. I don’t want to be the hero in anyone story, I just want to be the sun when the clouds come out.

My friend

I hope you know that not a day goes by that my thoughts and prayers are not with you, I pray for your healing of your past traumas, I pray that one day you see yourself as the amazing wonderful person I see when I look at you. I pray that you find forgiveness in yourself for how you have seen and treated yourself over the years. Every heart ache that you have suffered I have felt my heart sinker lower, but I also see how you do not give up, you don’t give in, and you try your hardest, that is strength I admire.

I know there are times where you feel alone and your heart breaks silently, I know that there are times I don’t understand and my own insecurities worm their own way in and sometimes I have failed miserably as a friend, I hope that you can forgive for those times and know that when you hurt, I hurt, when you cry, I cry, when you laugh, I laugh, and when you smile it lights up a room. I love you friend and my life would be incomplete if you weren’t here.

Learning to go with the flow.

I’m slowly learning how to just go with the flow and honestly I couldn’t be happier with where my life is at and where it’s headed. I don’t let outside influences affect me, I don’t let my emotions control me. And that for me is a different feeling. I don’t want to be know as cold or uncaring because even when I don’t want to I still care, I still think about people who have walked away, and I still get sad. I just don’t let that stop me and I don’t let myself wallow over something I can’t control and maybe the truth is I don’t want to control the outcome anymore at least in certain situations.

Going after what I want, truly believing that I can accomplish this, and putting my all into it… I haven’t felt this satisfied in a long time, emotionally, mentally and it’s all me. Filling my own tank giving myself the respect and love I deserve. After to many years of neglect and abuse. So here’s to looking towards the future and not back on the past and trusting in the process.

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