Getting older

Why do I feel as though the older I get, the more shut down I become just to make it through this thing called life? All that happens when you get older is you come to the realization that not everyone is going to last forever, slowly you start losing people. Your heart breaks over and over, you learn to cry less and less Bc it’s the circle of life, we are born to ultimately die. Everything we do in between, does it really matter? I don’t know. Losing people is never easy and it doesn’t get easier knowing there’s a time limit on everyone. It’s just a matter of when.

Cycles repeat

When do we stop these vicious cycles from turning over and over again? Walk away from the temptation that draws us in. Like a drug we yearn for. The offer right in front of us. But I already knows how this will end before it even has a chance to begin. And yet, the thought still lingers longer than I would like. So, I’ll do my best to turn off my thoughts, distract myself until it’s gone. This cycle has got to end.

Can I got hide now?

Listen ya’ll. Well okay so you can’t actually listen Bc I get super awkward in front of a camera or on a phone… like does anyone else have that? Anyway. Let me get back on track here… so, last time I left you all, my life had taken a turn with my aunt wanting me to take care of her. Unfortunately her situation has turned and is now on hospice/end of life facility…. the same one my mom went to. Ain’t that some shitty news… I swear the old I become the more I realize it’s sucks more and more because all we do is watch as our loved ones just get older, sick, and die…. what is this shit? Oh it’s life…. doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck bit hairy monkey balls.

So with that. My nephew is now living with me because he and his now ex broke up. That’s been a fun little ride. My only hope is that he finds what it is that makes him happy. He’s still young so at least he finds out now? I’m not going to lie, having my nephew here I feel way less lonely than I have. He gives me another adult to talk to!!! Yay no more random conversations with myself. Yes I am absolutely that person, and yes I also answer my own questions. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve kind been soul searching the back of my eyelids a lot lately. Since before my mom passed I was on this whole staying up all night sleeping all day avoid all housework Bc come on adults hate it. But now I can get myself on a decent schedule one to two times a week. Hey this is major progress for me. For two days I’m a normal functioning human. But then I have those days where I just want to hide. I think I will constantly deal with this feeling but as long as I don’t given in to it I should be golden.

I have recently gotten into this YouTube channel, Bailey sarian, I’m a huge crime show junkie, and let me to tell you she talks about criminal cases while doing her makeup…. I’m jelly. I highly suggest if anyone is interested in crime cases or crime shows, check her out. I absolutely enjoy her commentary while talking about all these cases, most we haven’t known about, a few are higher profile ones everyone knows about but hey 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think I have a new addiction. Just one more reason to chill and relax in front of my tv.

Alright well that’s some updates over here. Just trying to keep my head held high, and keep moving forward and still looking forward to see where this crazy thing called life will take me.

What is a destiny?

Growing up I always wondered what my purpose was, what my destiny was on this earth? Let’s say my life hasn’t been the easiest. I’ve had more than my fair share of hardships. My mother didn’t let me do much, she spent most of my life over protecting me even into my teens and adulthood. She did the best she could though. Given what life she had growing up.

The worst struggles have been the past three years everything hit me all at once and it feels as though I can’t take a full breathe in. First my stepmom has a massive heart attack out of now where, during that time I took time off work to be with my father in the hospital by his side. After two months she was released, two months later my father suffered a massive heart attack but didn’t make it. I had gone back to work and that phone call sitting in my supervisors office just broken me. I had no clue how I would recover from the loss of my father. I could only thank my mother for helping with my two little ones at home.

A few months went by, where I drank myself stupid most weekends just to hide the pain I felt. I was lost and felt alone. Then the call came that my mother was in the hospital, she had found out she had colon cancer. She had surgery, it went well, of course it never lasts. Once released after her surgery her stitches broke open and she ended up with sepsis. On her death bed, i sat next to her bed, and prayed. Listened to her favorites, and talked with her. And after a few days she opened her eyes for the first time. She was cancer free and alive!

Then November hit and I got another call from her, she had liver cancer now and there wasn’t much they could, she would die from this. If I had known she would only have 6 months left with us I would of done so much different, instead I only got 3 months with her by her side, helping take care of her. The cancer over took her and in May she passed.

You would think that would be the end of it wouldn’t you? But no, my aunt who has been in and out of the hospital recently and has had her deals with cancer and being cancer free, now finds herself in need of a caretaker, she wants me.

So again as I sit here, I think on all I have been through, all that I am, and wonder is this my destiny? To help care for the ones that matter most to me?

Once again the first

I hate when tragedy strikes in the mist of chaos. And you must face the blowing winds alone.

My heart overwhelmed itself, as my birthday approached, I became unaware, forgotten what day it was. And then it hit me as if a semi slammed into my gut. She wasn’t here, she was gone. Tears slipped past my eyes as I faced the new reality without her once again. I held my head though letting the pain fall from my eyes to capture my heartbreak. They were gone now. As I closed my eyes I pictured them there with me as they put their arms around me, I swear I could feel their touch.

They held me for only a moment. Then from my mind they faded. I knew then I could get through this. I felt there love with me. Even though they weren’t there in the flesh they were in my heart forever, and, would always be.

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