Why can’t I forget you?

I try not to remember the talks. Or the way you smile. I try not to remember the feel of your hand, or your lips. I try over and over again without success to forget you, why can’t I?

Did I imagine everything? Was it just a dream, that I’m trying to awake from? The way we connected, was it just an addiction, drinking you in? Must I kick the habit? Or was it just truly fate stepping in when you walked into my life? Why can’t I forget you?

Were you meant to be only a lesson? is this my punishment for letting my wall down and allowing myself those moments of vulnerability? It hurts to remember your face, the way you smelled, the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice, why can’t I forget you?

Why encourage me? Why keep me along for the ride? Were you scared of how I made you feel? How for once you were being seen? Not for who you put yourself off to be but for who you really were? We held on so tight and still you slipped through my fingers tips like the tiny grands of sand. Why can’t I forget?

It was never my plan, it was never in my cards, to fall for you. And still even with my denials, and fighting myself, I fell deeply, I worry, I care, and I love you unconditionally. I can’t forget you… no matter how hard I’ve tried. You come back to my mind. My hand is out stretched toward you as turn away, thinking I’ve given up but never truly know my pain. Why can’t I forget?

I’ll never forget you, for when you fall so in love, so unconditionally, you give a piece of you to that person so that maybe if they leave, just maybe you can hold on to the hope that one day they will come back and make you whole once again. I’ll search without meaning to, I remember certain sayings, certain songs, I’ll get sad you’re not hear to talk to, and then I’ll continue one day at a time, just for the chance to tell you, you do matter to me, and that’s why I set you free. my love for you will never change, and no matter how much I try to forget you, I never will, because deep down I never want to forget you. So my last question is can you forget me?

Grieving

It’s been 6 weeks since the passing of my mother, and with each day that passes I feel her absence more and more. I never really spent hours crying, it comes in waves.

As I sit here, missing her, with tears running down my face, I remember all the nights I would climb in bed with her when I was a child and into my teens to lay with her and watch some movie, asking her to rub my back or arm, just so I could fall asleep. Spending my days watching Port Charles, All My Children, One Life To Live, and General Hospital. Her love for Kevin Bacon, and John Travolta movies. Her love for Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Johnny cash, June Carter cash, The Judds, and so much more.

When she quit smoking and I stayed up all night with her laying at the end of her bed kicking our legs until sleep overtook me and me waking up to the smell of coffee. Taking our daily nature walks and collecting pop cans and bottles that had been discarded in the woods across from our trailer park, and no matter what was going on with me how she could always get me to open up and let the tears out while she held me in her arms usually with her own tears streaming down her face as well.

All the times that it stormed and woke me up and I would jump out of my bed and run to her for safety. And yes this happened even after I became an adult. All the times I wouldn’t be feeling good and she would make me food, or rub my head.

The last tv show I watched with her was North and South, the last movie I watched with her was I Can Only Imagine, it greatly saddens me that I will no longer be able to have another conversation with her asking her questions about what’s going on in North and South, or after watching a movie listening to Christian music. (something she just learned I listen to)

The woman who was so excited to see each one of her grandkids be born, just so she could spoil them with love. The woman who loved my friends as if they were her own children being there for each one when they needed someone to talk to and felt they needed a loving presence in their life.

The most stubborn, big hearted, crazy, loving, wonderful woman who raised me, while working two jobs, making sure I never went without. The woman who every chance she got would tell me I love you, just because.

I lived my life, hating how much she overprotected me, trying her best and in her own ways to not let me make my own mistakes, fights and arguments ensued over it, into adulthood, and now I wish she was here just to do the same things that drove me completely insane and I complained about ever since I could complain.

Don’t ever take your parents for granted, for all they do, good and bad, their love is there, and once they are gone, you miss them, you miss everything that you can’t have back. What I wouldn’t give to have one more fight, one more disagreement, one more I love you, one more I’m sorry but you are my babygirl and will always be my babygirl. One more I told you so. One more day to have her wrap her arms around me and just hug me, to cry with me.

I’d redo it all over again and even knowing everything I know, I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t change watching as my completely self sufficient, strong willed, stubborn, hard headed mother, become a different version of herself. I would still stay up and help her to the bathroom, I would still take the stress, and overwhelming feeling of the inevitable death, as her body began to transition. And I would still tell her it was okay to leave, that we would all be okay, even if we aren’t okay all the time, to go be with the children she lost all those years ago, and go be with God because that’s where she’s always wanted to be. I would still tell her I will see her again one day and I would tell her again that I love her.

It’s true what she wrote cancer sucks, and my brother and I would never truly know how much she loved us, or how much watching her go through cancer and not be able to help her in anyway would tear us apart on the inside. But we will never regret a moment we had with her. All the years we each got with her, or how much we truly did love her and how much and how hard it is to miss her each and everyday that she is gone.

Until we meet again mommy. We love you. We miss you. And things just aren’t the same without you here. Sending my love to you.

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