Being truthful with myself

The truth is growing up I didn’t have much of an example what love was suppose to be other than Disney movies or other movies that romanticize what love is. I heard negative words about my body and was told what I should be, so who taught me how to love? My best friend, the one person who loved me for the loud, annoying brat I could be and still told me I was amazing. We all have different love languages. Some it’s touch, other’s it’s words, and then there are those out there that buy you what you want or need.

We couldn’t be more different, tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair, favorite color green and his love for animals that he wanted to be a vet when he grew up. Of course, I was the bubbly outgoing Tom boy who wore my bathing suit under my girly dresses because I had to get dirty. I’d play in the rain, and not waste a second of my life. That is until insecurities reared their ugly head and took control over my head and heart. Maybe it was easier to believe that I didn’t matter or wasn’t worth anything to those around me, even though I knew in my heart it was a lie.

I’ve been loved for years, in all kinds of ways that I don’t think I truly noticed until recent years. And sometimes I get so caught up in those insecurities that what else was anyone suppose to do for me? I need affirmation that I was good enough, pretty enough, but not by me…. It always relied on someone else opinion of me. Even though the words never stuck.

Sometimes I contemplate what life would of been like had I believed in myself for all the years I self sabotaged my own heart. I know now I was only doing myself a disservice by even allowing the thoughts to pass my mind. Heart wrenching is that I’m alone and have been because of it, because I closed myself off to the possibility that I was lovable and able to be loved back without restrictions, judgement, and the ability to fail. I shut down, go inside myself and create this safe little place even though I’m screaming to be let free. I push those I love away because it’s easier than being hurt, and in the process I’m selfish, and only think of my side. How many have I hurt by shutting down and closing off to those around me?

How do you learn to be vulnerable and open when you were taught that shutting down and doing it alone is your best option? I guess this is what I’m still working on. It’s scary to give someone that much power, especially after being hurt over and over again. If I’m being truthful, I always wished it had been you. Watching on the sidelines I ripped my own heart, because I would of rather of kept quiet for fear of being abandoned, thrown away just as I always thought. You always meant more to me, you always mattered more than anyone else, but I also loved you enough to know you deserved to be happy, and I would of destroyed such a beautiful bond and connection that in the end I walked away from and miss every day that passes.

Spending my whole life running has been quite exhausting, not loving myself has been more than difficult, and I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for the pain I have caused when I have been absent, I’m sorry to myself for not loving me the way I should of, but thank you for loving me for so damn long, even when I didn’t see it myself.

Self

You don’t want to be selfish in this world, but some days you feel like it would be easier to just shut everyone and everything down around you and in your head. Just for a little bit. Some peace from the sweet torture of life and the complications of feelings we have been given.

Maybe that’s why I found myself once again crying over someone who never deserved me in all the years we knew each other he should of never been a safe zone just a temporary stepping stone. Maybe one day in the future he will think back to a time he had a great friend who put herself aside for him so he didn’t ever feel so alone and all he did was play games and treat her like the garbage he stepped on in the street.

What he lacks is through my journey and growth I do not regret sharing how I feel and not only respect myself enough but also love myself and know how much precious my time here is, and it no longer needs to be spent with people who continually prove to me they don’t deserve my time, and attention nor my friendship. I have accepted myself or continue to learn to accept myself everyday, i will never let another person break me to nothing. He still runs back to what broke him repeatedly. I pray he heals.

Process

It wasn’t suppose to be like this.

I was suppose to be okay

I think I’m dying a little more

Everyday.

My heart is broken.

And I try so hard to feel.

I made a promise

Just trying to process

I’ve become someone else

I can’t reach the old me

I can’t see who I use to be

Your voice has faded

I looked at the red,green, yellow and blue lights

Illuminate the night time

The joy I once felt

Now a void that can’t be filled

Each day

With each day that passes

I wonder who will break

This silence is never ending

On long drawn out days

I lay and fantasize of a face

I was once familiar with

Wondering who you are now

It only lasts for a minute

Before I pull myself together

Not normal

I’ve never been normal or felt normal. Every since I can remember I have always felt too much and way to deep. You could blame it on my childhood traumas but to me it’s just who I am. I’m loud, I’m extreme, I fear change. I give way to many chances to people who prove to me repeatedly that they don’t care. I spend my life breaking my own heart for others. I’m the one you won’t notice, the one that won’t let you in, because it’s easier to just not be disappointed and if the off chance I do let you in I will only hope that you don’t let me down. I love hard and for a long time but never am I loved back. I enjoy the little things like hang out with people I love or when someone takes time out of their day to say “hey, how are you today?”

I’m the person who tells people to never give up on themselves because they have so much in their life to look forward to, and yet I constantly give up on myself or believe I don’t matter. I spend my nights with tears in my eyes wondering what I did wrong. I spend my days wishing I knew what it is that I really want out of this life.

I’m the loner who sticks to themselves, who waits way to long to ask for help when I need it because in the end I have faced some hard times completely on my own. I stare blankly around a crowded room and make myself smaller not saying a word in order to not be noticed by others.

Then there’s this side that just wants to be free, have fun, let go and feel the wind in my hair, the water against my skin. I dream of being “normal” and being “seen and known.”

I dream of a day where I feel like I truly belong.

Contentment

Why do we spend our lives in contentment and comfortable situation when we do not feel fulfilled? We make excuses out of fear of the unknown. We settle, and push our wants and needs aside until we no longer recognize ourselves anymore. Only the mask we show to the world that keeps us safe and in our bubble.

How much happier would we be if we dropped the mask, was completely outspoken and didn’t settle for comfortable? When did we stop dreaming bigger? When did we settle for feeling stuck? Slowly watching as our smiles fade to nothing and our hearts barely beat in our chest?

We hold back on telling the ones we love that we love them for fear of rejection. We settle for being the back up plan or second choice because it’s better than not being anything at all. Why let all these things define us to begin with? How many people out there in the world don’t even truly know what love is or mistake love for what is familiar? We spend years in bad relationships hoping it will change. We spend endless years with so called friends that are never there for us when we need but the moment they need you they are there.

Instead of just saying I’m done or I can’t do this anymore we say I’m fine and it’s okay. When really we need to say no I won’t settle for contentment, I want to feel the rush of being scared, I want to face that fear and come out better and stronger than I was before. I want to live. I want to feel alive and NOTHING is going to stop me from chasing that.

Lost

I can’t tell you what I’m doing with my life because the truth is I have no idea. I can’t tell you what it is I want to be or who I am because in my minds eye it’s so bleak.

I’ve been lost for so long that I have no clue how to be found and every time I try I get more lost along the way. I don’t know what it is that I like or love anymore. How can I when all I feel is hollowness inside my soul.

My days are not bright and filled with color from the sun rise. They are as dark as a black out in the city. I’m cold and alone in this world. I’m lost out to sea wondering which way the wind shall carry me.

Everyone is trying to save me, holding out their hands in desperation for me to take it, and all I wonder is how long before they give up and leave me to my emptiness. I don’t know how to put into words how I feel so that any of them can understand.

The world is dull. Moments pass by that I try to grasp at with failing results. I’m on autopilot, wondering when the spark will ignite once again.

Reminders and day dreaming

I can’t seem to get you off my mind lately. Maybe it’s because of where I am again or maybe I’m just living in the past. A time where I smiled more and felt more than I have in awhile. A time when I wanted to not feel anything but felt everything. Now I want to feel everything but feel nothing. I miss you more as the days pass.

I wish I could see your face again, hear your voice, having that easy going conversation again that always just seemed to flow so naturally between us. I re-read our old conversations that are now in my archived messages and my heart smiles and sinks in my chest at once.

Then I get mad at myself, why should I care how you are? Why should I be thinking about you when you probably don’t care and aren’t thinking about me. You aren’t missing me, because if you did you would reach out. You wouldn’t be silent.

I feel sorry that you live a life that has taught you to trust no one. That you are so closed off and scared of someone truly caring for you that you run at every chance you get. You ghost when your feelings get involved until you can get them back in check. No one should live their life afraid of their own feelings, of being seen for who they are or being loved by others. You end up missing out on so much more.

I have no clue what will happen, what the future has in store, but for now I’ll spend my time living in reminders that you are now just somebody that I use to know, and day dreaming of a different time, a different place, a world where mine was better because you were in it and knowing that no matter how I feel I can’t wait around. So for now I will live with the heartbreak, and work myself to moving forward again. Over and over if I have to.

When reality bites

When reality bites, it bites fast and hard. It doesn’t care where you are or what you are doing. You can ignore it, you can run away from it but eventually it’s right back in your face and you can’t escape it. I once had a job that I loved, I had a supervisor that I appreciated, he knew the value of a person’s time. Then things slowly started to fall apart. I slowly started to lose who I was. The job I once loved and looked forward to became a place I dreaded. The fake people that surrounded me night after night. The higher ups who showed their favoritism to others but harassed the ones they felt “didn’t do a good job”

Going through a tough time can truly make you open your eyes to things around you that you choose to overlook day to day just to get by in this world. So I tried to adjust myself to my surrounding. I became someone I don’t know to survive, I made mistakes, ones that even though I learned a lesson from I still carry with me to this day. I moved on I grew and had many ups and downs over the years.

And then I found myself in a bind, and once again I accepted less than I deserve. I went back to a job that didn’t value me, to never be introduced to my supervisor, I was pushed off onto someone else, and then I got an eye roll, and not properly trained, a here how it’s done once and there you go. I kicked fucking ass too. But training paperwork, books no where in sight. I asked myself as I pulled into the familiar parking lot what the fuck am I doing back here again?

I’m better than this. It whispers in my head everyday but other’s opinion of me matter and I have to prove them wrong as well, right? Can’t give up, just keep on keeping on. How often in life do we do this? Settle. How many of us feel as though we have life all wrong because we don’t have anything figured out? We don’t even get to fully live because we don’t even understand anything other than to settle.

Reality is, life is a bitch and it’s going to drag you through the mud, people will have their opinions of you and guess what their opinions of you DON’T FUCKING MATTER, the only opinion that matters is your opinion of yourself. Don’t fucking settle. Stop going back to go forward. Trust that God has you. He didn’t take you from that shitty job you wouldn’t leave because you deserved it, no he let it go because he knew you deserved more than that job had to offer.

Why are we slaves to our lives? Why do we care what societies standards are? Because they make us better? Really? All they care is if you follow and like what they follow and like. No I won’t be the same person… I’m better than that. I’ll do it right this time but damn why didn’t I see this before? Why couldn’t I believe in myself the way I do now? Or maybe I did but somewhere after I lost that confidence I had, and went back to something that literally drains not only my energy but slowly rots your spirits as more time passes and I’m just now realizing it. I’ve outgrown who I tried to be. I am who I am now.

Going back.

Sometimes you have to go back in order to heal and face things you never wanted to face before. Be brave and get it right. Unfortunately sometimes going back brings back good and bad memories. The way a person looked at you, the way that at that point in your life you had someone to share in all the good and bad things and how it breaks your heart they aren’t there anymore. And you find yourself wishing that you could grab on to that happiness and hold on to it so tightly. But that happiness is no longer there, just the reminders of what was and what will never be again.

So even though you don’t try to you pull the mask down in place over the tears that slip down your cheeks and show the world your smile, but behind that mask you are broken with a heart that is heavy. Missing someone, something you can no longer have. You can’t even tell who you are or who you want to be anymore.

So I’ll walk around and pretend because maybe one day I’ll have that person who was always reaching out or maybe that person I’ve loved for so long will open their eyes and finally notice me for me. Or maybe I’ll finally notice myself.

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