Being truthful with myself

The truth is growing up I didn’t have much of an example what love was suppose to be other than Disney movies or other movies that romanticize what love is. I heard negative words about my body and was told what I should be, so who taught me how to love? My best friend, the one person who loved me for the loud, annoying brat I could be and still told me I was amazing. We all have different love languages. Some it’s touch, other’s it’s words, and then there are those out there that buy you what you want or need.

We couldn’t be more different, tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair, favorite color green and his love for animals that he wanted to be a vet when he grew up. Of course, I was the bubbly outgoing Tom boy who wore my bathing suit under my girly dresses because I had to get dirty. I’d play in the rain, and not waste a second of my life. That is until insecurities reared their ugly head and took control over my head and heart. Maybe it was easier to believe that I didn’t matter or wasn’t worth anything to those around me, even though I knew in my heart it was a lie.

I’ve been loved for years, in all kinds of ways that I don’t think I truly noticed until recent years. And sometimes I get so caught up in those insecurities that what else was anyone suppose to do for me? I need affirmation that I was good enough, pretty enough, but not by me…. It always relied on someone else opinion of me. Even though the words never stuck.

Sometimes I contemplate what life would of been like had I believed in myself for all the years I self sabotaged my own heart. I know now I was only doing myself a disservice by even allowing the thoughts to pass my mind. Heart wrenching is that I’m alone and have been because of it, because I closed myself off to the possibility that I was lovable and able to be loved back without restrictions, judgement, and the ability to fail. I shut down, go inside myself and create this safe little place even though I’m screaming to be let free. I push those I love away because it’s easier than being hurt, and in the process I’m selfish, and only think of my side. How many have I hurt by shutting down and closing off to those around me?

How do you learn to be vulnerable and open when you were taught that shutting down and doing it alone is your best option? I guess this is what I’m still working on. It’s scary to give someone that much power, especially after being hurt over and over again. If I’m being truthful, I always wished it had been you. Watching on the sidelines I ripped my own heart, because I would of rather of kept quiet for fear of being abandoned, thrown away just as I always thought. You always meant more to me, you always mattered more than anyone else, but I also loved you enough to know you deserved to be happy, and I would of destroyed such a beautiful bond and connection that in the end I walked away from and miss every day that passes.

Spending my whole life running has been quite exhausting, not loving myself has been more than difficult, and I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for the pain I have caused when I have been absent, I’m sorry to myself for not loving me the way I should of, but thank you for loving me for so damn long, even when I didn’t see it myself.

Self

You don’t want to be selfish in this world, but some days you feel like it would be easier to just shut everyone and everything down around you and in your head. Just for a little bit. Some peace from the sweet torture of life and the complications of feelings we have been given.

Maybe that’s why I found myself once again crying over someone who never deserved me in all the years we knew each other he should of never been a safe zone just a temporary stepping stone. Maybe one day in the future he will think back to a time he had a great friend who put herself aside for him so he didn’t ever feel so alone and all he did was play games and treat her like the garbage he stepped on in the street.

What he lacks is through my journey and growth I do not regret sharing how I feel and not only respect myself enough but also love myself and know how much precious my time here is, and it no longer needs to be spent with people who continually prove to me they don’t deserve my time, and attention nor my friendship. I have accepted myself or continue to learn to accept myself everyday, i will never let another person break me to nothing. He still runs back to what broke him repeatedly. I pray he heals.

When reality bites

When reality bites, it bites fast and hard. It doesn’t care where you are or what you are doing. You can ignore it, you can run away from it but eventually it’s right back in your face and you can’t escape it. I once had a job that I loved, I had a supervisor that I appreciated, he knew the value of a person’s time. Then things slowly started to fall apart. I slowly started to lose who I was. The job I once loved and looked forward to became a place I dreaded. The fake people that surrounded me night after night. The higher ups who showed their favoritism to others but harassed the ones they felt “didn’t do a good job”

Going through a tough time can truly make you open your eyes to things around you that you choose to overlook day to day just to get by in this world. So I tried to adjust myself to my surrounding. I became someone I don’t know to survive, I made mistakes, ones that even though I learned a lesson from I still carry with me to this day. I moved on I grew and had many ups and downs over the years.

And then I found myself in a bind, and once again I accepted less than I deserve. I went back to a job that didn’t value me, to never be introduced to my supervisor, I was pushed off onto someone else, and then I got an eye roll, and not properly trained, a here how it’s done once and there you go. I kicked fucking ass too. But training paperwork, books no where in sight. I asked myself as I pulled into the familiar parking lot what the fuck am I doing back here again?

I’m better than this. It whispers in my head everyday but other’s opinion of me matter and I have to prove them wrong as well, right? Can’t give up, just keep on keeping on. How often in life do we do this? Settle. How many of us feel as though we have life all wrong because we don’t have anything figured out? We don’t even get to fully live because we don’t even understand anything other than to settle.

Reality is, life is a bitch and it’s going to drag you through the mud, people will have their opinions of you and guess what their opinions of you DON’T FUCKING MATTER, the only opinion that matters is your opinion of yourself. Don’t fucking settle. Stop going back to go forward. Trust that God has you. He didn’t take you from that shitty job you wouldn’t leave because you deserved it, no he let it go because he knew you deserved more than that job had to offer.

Why are we slaves to our lives? Why do we care what societies standards are? Because they make us better? Really? All they care is if you follow and like what they follow and like. No I won’t be the same person… I’m better than that. I’ll do it right this time but damn why didn’t I see this before? Why couldn’t I believe in myself the way I do now? Or maybe I did but somewhere after I lost that confidence I had, and went back to something that literally drains not only my energy but slowly rots your spirits as more time passes and I’m just now realizing it. I’ve outgrown who I tried to be. I am who I am now.

Learning to go with the flow.

I’m slowly learning how to just go with the flow and honestly I couldn’t be happier with where my life is at and where it’s headed. I don’t let outside influences affect me, I don’t let my emotions control me. And that for me is a different feeling. I don’t want to be know as cold or uncaring because even when I don’t want to I still care, I still think about people who have walked away, and I still get sad. I just don’t let that stop me and I don’t let myself wallow over something I can’t control and maybe the truth is I don’t want to control the outcome anymore at least in certain situations.

Going after what I want, truly believing that I can accomplish this, and putting my all into it… I haven’t felt this satisfied in a long time, emotionally, mentally and it’s all me. Filling my own tank giving myself the respect and love I deserve. After to many years of neglect and abuse. So here’s to looking towards the future and not back on the past and trusting in the process.

Healing traumas

I’ve spent my teenage years and my whole adult life allowing my traumas to define the person I am, without realization that that’s actually what I was doing. You see…. The abuse I have endured in life makes me stronger, not weak, it doesn’t make me dirty, it doesn’t make me disgusting, it doesn’t make me who I am. I can grow from each experience instead of letting it over take every aspect of my life.

I am worthy of love, I’m worthy of loving myself, whether I’m a size 0 or a size 20. Instead of seeing couples and saying I wish I could have that, like it’s completely unattainable for me, I can now say I deserve that and I don’t have to settle for less than what I deserve. It’s a new world as I learn to love myself more each day. I am good enough, because I am enough. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart, and I can achieve all that I want in life. It’s my power, I can turn every negative thought into a positive outcome.

Playing you

He likes the games

They make him free

Don’t listen to his apologies

He will tell you all that you need

But his heart will never believe

He doesn’t know what love truly is

He will take from you all that mattered

Before you know it you will feel broken and battered.

You are much more than just a toy

Raise your head up towards the sky

Open your eyes

See through the lies

Girl you don’t need him

Stand strong

Know you aren’t wrong

Just walk away from the pain

Don’t let him be the one to gain

He’s just a tool

You don’t follow the rules!

Be your own queen

Only then can you make your own scene.

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