Learning to go with the flow.

I’m slowly learning how to just go with the flow and honestly I couldn’t be happier with where my life is at and where it’s headed. I don’t let outside influences affect me, I don’t let my emotions control me. And that for me is a different feeling. I don’t want to be know as cold or uncaring because even when I don’t want to I still care, I still think about people who have walked away, and I still get sad. I just don’t let that stop me and I don’t let myself wallow over something I can’t control and maybe the truth is I don’t want to control the outcome anymore at least in certain situations.

Going after what I want, truly believing that I can accomplish this, and putting my all into it… I haven’t felt this satisfied in a long time, emotionally, mentally and it’s all me. Filling my own tank giving myself the respect and love I deserve. After to many years of neglect and abuse. So here’s to looking towards the future and not back on the past and trusting in the process.

New journey

Make decisions and sticking with them. I left my mother’s beloved home behind, to much happened there and I knew I would t be able to heal myself or my children. I often wonder if I’m making the right decision or making a rash decision. It’s hard. I constantly feel as though I’m in a lose lose situation. But this decision was for the best. I thought of every possible solution and answer. Even though it was hard.

I’m living with friends and it’s going well at least I would say that. I’m grateful to have a place to go and lay my head. Now if only I could pull my head out of my ass and find a job that makes me feel like I’m headed in the right direction. I feel so much pressure I put on myself and then I feel anxious about what I choose. I don’t feel “happy” I guess that’s a part of the progress though. Learning to change one’s self.

Signed up for school something I have put off for four years now. I can’t let anything stop me or hold me back any longer. Or I will constantly find reasons to put it off. Then to find a job that I can work around my school schedule. Life seems to be so hard but I feel like I can breathe some. And that is always a plus. Even though the depression has its days where it comes roaring it’s ugly head and I find myself hiding in my dream world where everything as I would like it to be. I know I can’t do this all the time. Reality must find me eventually, and sooner rather than later.

Maybe one day I won’t feel so empty anymore, maybe one day I won’t be stuck in such a turmoil and grief that outweighs everything else. For now I will count my blessing as I continue putting one foot in front of the other on this new journey, and finding my happiness again.

Save me

He is handsome and kind

I’m drawn to his eyes.

His smile draws out my laughter

Can’t help but think of forever after

He has captivated me

For longer then you know.

Fate brought us here, you see

He doesn’t make me pay a toll

He knows my soul

I want him to touch me

He is the key

I can’t just let it be

For he sets me free.

Bound together by the fates

We open up the gates

Fight what we feel

Knowing it’s real

It gets harder to breathe

Only he can save me.