I’m not okay…

I go each day with this fake smile plastered on my face and pretend like everything is okay. You could literally look me in the face and would never know that on the inside I feel completely dead. A way to protect my mind from falling apart or maybe if I do it long enough I’ll actually believe it one day. Of course, I know better it hasn’t changed since my first run in with depression, of course back then I didn’t know how to disassociate myself.

Disconnect from all that makes me, me…. Feelings, emotions, memories, and the longer I do it the further away I become from someone I use to know dearly. Feeling happy is a very rare occasion for me since more of my time is spent locked under a blanket wishing it could actually help me escape the world and what comes with it. I spend more time sleeping and dreaming then I do in the waking world. But hey no one can tell the difference. Sometimes I really wish someone could see it though.

I wish so badly that someone could see how loud I’m screaming on the inside, but all they hear is my silence on the out. I wish someone would wrap their arms around me and never let me go, instead of taking advantage of me in my weakened states. All these “men” that pretend to care but only add to the hate I have for myself every time I don’t fight, or ask and beg them to stop but my pleas only land on def ears as they do what they will.

My trust has been broken more times then I can even count, and along this journey of life I’ve completely lost who I am and what I stand for. I wish I could go back to the days where I was a little carefree girl who didn’t remember being betrayed. Who believed in the people around her and loved so deeply…

How easy it would be to leave this cold world behind, but I won’t, or maybe I can’t. At this point I’m not really sure what is correct and what isn’t. What more lessons does this life have to teach me, what more must I endure? My soul is shattered and I’m holding it together with duct tape and super glue, I’m surviving because that’s what I always do by any means the goal is to just survive another day in this messed up world.

Games

The games people play

When they walk away

Break you down

Til you’re in the ground

Nothing left to say

Just go away

Let me Rest In Peace

With my sanity

I’ll drink you in

You’ll make my head spin

The circles we dance

Never seem to last

Make me numb

So I won’t feel so dumb

For taking a chance

These things always crash

I’ll hold my head high

You think I’m weak

And just stand by

But I’m stronger then you think

I’ll be just fine before you blink.

Life

Life is constantly changing on us, throwing us this way and that way and we are expected to keep up… along with getting older? I just don’t know how that is suppose to work here people… like really… besides the continuous depression I battle and anxiety that cripples me, the migraines I get, the back problems I have, the kids I have to take care of and the job to keep my roof over our head, on top of that helping my mother out I do believe my plate is piled 10 feet high and way over full… and I’m suppose to run a marathon with life as it changes… can I catch my breath first? Does anybody remember when we were younger and couldn’t wait to be adults? No one to tell us what to do right? Ha! Joke was on us. I would love to be a kid again and have no worries and all the energy in the world. It’s a struggle just to get out of bed most days. The constant battle with my brain and sleep. 😂 alright I guess I will go fight some more with myself on this thing called sleep that apparently my mind wants me to have nothing to do with.

p.s. To whoever reads this I’m sleepy and I would like to put tags on my blogs but I don’t know how. 🤔 instead of hashtags all the time. Maybe I need some help. And not just mental either. 🤷‍♀️ Lol. Willing to take advice. But I should probably get some sleep first.

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