Being truthful with myself

The truth is growing up I didn’t have much of an example what love was suppose to be other than Disney movies or other movies that romanticize what love is. I heard negative words about my body and was told what I should be, so who taught me how to love? My best friend, the one person who loved me for the loud, annoying brat I could be and still told me I was amazing. We all have different love languages. Some it’s touch, other’s it’s words, and then there are those out there that buy you what you want or need.

We couldn’t be more different, tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair, favorite color green and his love for animals that he wanted to be a vet when he grew up. Of course, I was the bubbly outgoing Tom boy who wore my bathing suit under my girly dresses because I had to get dirty. I’d play in the rain, and not waste a second of my life. That is until insecurities reared their ugly head and took control over my head and heart. Maybe it was easier to believe that I didn’t matter or wasn’t worth anything to those around me, even though I knew in my heart it was a lie.

I’ve been loved for years, in all kinds of ways that I don’t think I truly noticed until recent years. And sometimes I get so caught up in those insecurities that what else was anyone suppose to do for me? I need affirmation that I was good enough, pretty enough, but not by me…. It always relied on someone else opinion of me. Even though the words never stuck.

Sometimes I contemplate what life would of been like had I believed in myself for all the years I self sabotaged my own heart. I know now I was only doing myself a disservice by even allowing the thoughts to pass my mind. Heart wrenching is that I’m alone and have been because of it, because I closed myself off to the possibility that I was lovable and able to be loved back without restrictions, judgement, and the ability to fail. I shut down, go inside myself and create this safe little place even though I’m screaming to be let free. I push those I love away because it’s easier than being hurt, and in the process I’m selfish, and only think of my side. How many have I hurt by shutting down and closing off to those around me?

How do you learn to be vulnerable and open when you were taught that shutting down and doing it alone is your best option? I guess this is what I’m still working on. It’s scary to give someone that much power, especially after being hurt over and over again. If I’m being truthful, I always wished it had been you. Watching on the sidelines I ripped my own heart, because I would of rather of kept quiet for fear of being abandoned, thrown away just as I always thought. You always meant more to me, you always mattered more than anyone else, but I also loved you enough to know you deserved to be happy, and I would of destroyed such a beautiful bond and connection that in the end I walked away from and miss every day that passes.

Spending my whole life running has been quite exhausting, not loving myself has been more than difficult, and I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for the pain I have caused when I have been absent, I’m sorry to myself for not loving me the way I should of, but thank you for loving me for so damn long, even when I didn’t see it myself.

When reality bites

When reality bites, it bites fast and hard. It doesn’t care where you are or what you are doing. You can ignore it, you can run away from it but eventually it’s right back in your face and you can’t escape it. I once had a job that I loved, I had a supervisor that I appreciated, he knew the value of a person’s time. Then things slowly started to fall apart. I slowly started to lose who I was. The job I once loved and looked forward to became a place I dreaded. The fake people that surrounded me night after night. The higher ups who showed their favoritism to others but harassed the ones they felt “didn’t do a good job”

Going through a tough time can truly make you open your eyes to things around you that you choose to overlook day to day just to get by in this world. So I tried to adjust myself to my surrounding. I became someone I don’t know to survive, I made mistakes, ones that even though I learned a lesson from I still carry with me to this day. I moved on I grew and had many ups and downs over the years.

And then I found myself in a bind, and once again I accepted less than I deserve. I went back to a job that didn’t value me, to never be introduced to my supervisor, I was pushed off onto someone else, and then I got an eye roll, and not properly trained, a here how it’s done once and there you go. I kicked fucking ass too. But training paperwork, books no where in sight. I asked myself as I pulled into the familiar parking lot what the fuck am I doing back here again?

I’m better than this. It whispers in my head everyday but other’s opinion of me matter and I have to prove them wrong as well, right? Can’t give up, just keep on keeping on. How often in life do we do this? Settle. How many of us feel as though we have life all wrong because we don’t have anything figured out? We don’t even get to fully live because we don’t even understand anything other than to settle.

Reality is, life is a bitch and it’s going to drag you through the mud, people will have their opinions of you and guess what their opinions of you DON’T FUCKING MATTER, the only opinion that matters is your opinion of yourself. Don’t fucking settle. Stop going back to go forward. Trust that God has you. He didn’t take you from that shitty job you wouldn’t leave because you deserved it, no he let it go because he knew you deserved more than that job had to offer.

Why are we slaves to our lives? Why do we care what societies standards are? Because they make us better? Really? All they care is if you follow and like what they follow and like. No I won’t be the same person… I’m better than that. I’ll do it right this time but damn why didn’t I see this before? Why couldn’t I believe in myself the way I do now? Or maybe I did but somewhere after I lost that confidence I had, and went back to something that literally drains not only my energy but slowly rots your spirits as more time passes and I’m just now realizing it. I’ve outgrown who I tried to be. I am who I am now.

Learning to go with the flow.

I’m slowly learning how to just go with the flow and honestly I couldn’t be happier with where my life is at and where it’s headed. I don’t let outside influences affect me, I don’t let my emotions control me. And that for me is a different feeling. I don’t want to be know as cold or uncaring because even when I don’t want to I still care, I still think about people who have walked away, and I still get sad. I just don’t let that stop me and I don’t let myself wallow over something I can’t control and maybe the truth is I don’t want to control the outcome anymore at least in certain situations.

Going after what I want, truly believing that I can accomplish this, and putting my all into it… I haven’t felt this satisfied in a long time, emotionally, mentally and it’s all me. Filling my own tank giving myself the respect and love I deserve. After to many years of neglect and abuse. So here’s to looking towards the future and not back on the past and trusting in the process.

What’s there to say?

Well, I’m learning that even though I have been through some not so ideal situations, the truth is I made it through them. Did I get down on myself? Beat myself up? Did some of those situations tear my heart out from my chest cavity? Did it feel like my guts were being ripped out from the inside left to hang where everyone could see? Yes…. And more often then not I wanted to curl up in the safety of my bed, with my head tucked under the covers as a child does when scared of the shadows that dance in their room at night. Maybe I did that for a moment but I released my he blanket and got out of bed.

I trudged through the rooms of my home and hoped into that shower even if I shed a couple tears as the water slid down my face and act as if I didn’t just let some of the pain I was feeling out. Then I got out wrapped my towel around me and dried myself off, only to force my feet into the leg of my pants and pull them up to my waist. I pulled the shirt over my head and put my arms through the sleeves. I then held my head up high and walked outside into the sun.

As I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face, I couldn’t help but to feel just a tad bit lighter, so I put one foot in front of the other and continued to do so until I began to laugh for no reason at all except out of pure joy. Happiness starts to wash over me like the waves of the ocean onto the shore. My heart fills with some unrecognizable feeling that has been long forgotten. My lips spread into a smile that begins to hurt my cheeks and still I can not stop. For in this moment I know everything will be okay and I will make it through another day.

You see, it’s okay to be down, and sometimes we have a habit of getting stuck in that dark place, but fighting through, being proud that you got out of bed, took a shower, brushed your teeth, or just got dressed is okay. Be proud of what you accomplished even if it doesn’t seem like a lot. Before you know it you have more things to be grateful for, to smile about, to laugh about. Keep moving with your head high.

Healing traumas

I’ve spent my teenage years and my whole adult life allowing my traumas to define the person I am, without realization that that’s actually what I was doing. You see…. The abuse I have endured in life makes me stronger, not weak, it doesn’t make me dirty, it doesn’t make me disgusting, it doesn’t make me who I am. I can grow from each experience instead of letting it over take every aspect of my life.

I am worthy of love, I’m worthy of loving myself, whether I’m a size 0 or a size 20. Instead of seeing couples and saying I wish I could have that, like it’s completely unattainable for me, I can now say I deserve that and I don’t have to settle for less than what I deserve. It’s a new world as I learn to love myself more each day. I am good enough, because I am enough. I am strong, I am beautiful, I am smart, and I can achieve all that I want in life. It’s my power, I can turn every negative thought into a positive outcome.

Longing

Ever since I can remember I have longed for family. The kind that pulls together in the face of tragedy, that lifts you up, and makes you want to continue on. That protects you from the world when it starts to fall apart.

Unfortunately the only time I had that was when I was a doe eyed child with childish notions of how life was, when fairytale was real and happened everyday. In the 5th grade I dealt with the abandonment of the father I looked up to, leaving for another state without a word to me, because he didn’t know better, he didn’t realize how broken it would make me in the coming years.

The mother who even though I know she had her demons from her own childhood, did the best she could but still caused scars on my heart from hurtful things she said and did.

The brothers and cousins, I longed to know, watched the closeness of them, but always felt I never fit in or belonged. They were all I had, every single one of them and I watched as my look on family became but a distant memory I so desperately tried to find, only to be disappointed.

I know the saying blood doesn’t make family and over the years I have made my own, the friends who have loved me just as I am, held me and comforted me in some of my darker times, but still an ache of what I wish I could of had. I know now I can’t always get what I want in life. I faced that fact the moment I lost my dad and then again when I prayed god not take my mother from me.

I’m not the doe eyed little girl anymore, I’m the woman who has been through more than she should of, lost her innocence, been taken for granted, used, and torn down by those who have entered into her life and left just a quickly as they came in. Never realizing she was worth more than she was accepting. Just settling for what she thought she deserved. Self doubt is a bitch when it creeps up on you and makes you believe the lies in your head.

Through it all, a select few stay and prove I’m worthy of being loved for who I am, even if I have changed with everything that I have been through. They see me for me and accept it. They help keep me on the path they know I want to be desperately on. And on those days when I’m to weak to continue the course they hold me up and walk with me by my side.

Still apart of me holds on to the hope that one day my family will not look at me as if I’m just a ghost they can look past, but see me and accept me for who I am. See the strength I have had to overcome the demons that scratch at the back of my soul. How brave I had to be to continue when I wanted to give in and give up no matter the challenges life throws my way.

The hope that one day I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and it will find me as well. Just as a child hopes for the fairytale. It’s been a long life, set on a path to belonging, and I have had my glimpses of what it would be like only for them to be short lived. One day though. One day. Until then I trudge forward on this thing called life, taking in the lessons it has to offer me and learning from all that I can.

Learning to love myself

I’ve spent years hating just about everything about me, from my weight, my body, my name, down to the hair on my toes. I never truly realized how much I lived in self hate of myself until recently. I knew I was unhappy at times but have moments where I felt good. I chucked it up my depression and anxiety.

I destroyed my self confidence, my self esteem, my dreams I believed I didn’t deserve. All because I thought my value laid more with others than myself. I degraded myself and put my mind and body through things that now I wonder why I did. It was all consuming and I didn’t even see the destruction I had caused myself by letting others thoughts of me win.

Recently I had a guy attempt to hook up on the down low of course. Something I have dealt with before. But something inside me in this moment changed. Instead of taking up the offer, I found myself declining. My worth isn’t in a one night stand, affair, hook up, or even sex at all. Why put myself on a level that will only leave me feeling worthless, lonely, and not good enough? That’s what I had been doing. I had been allowing myself to lower my standards for some idea of acceptance.

It was as if my eyes, my mind. And my heart opened in that moment and I realized I have to love myself, and I deserve to love myself. I deserve what I wish for. So I don’t have the best body, but God gave me this life and I should love it flaws and all. I shouldn’t be treating my body badly.

The journey to self love, is the hardest journey we will take, life will test you, throwing curve balls to try to make you fail, but you only fail yourself when you lower yourself and accept less than you deserve. So, here’s to learning to love myself and not try to find love within someone else. I need to fill my own tank. And now almost 14 years after high school I’m starting to understand what my self discovery teacher was trying to teach us all.

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