Being truthful with myself

The truth is growing up I didn’t have much of an example what love was suppose to be other than Disney movies or other movies that romanticize what love is. I heard negative words about my body and was told what I should be, so who taught me how to love? My best friend, the one person who loved me for the loud, annoying brat I could be and still told me I was amazing. We all have different love languages. Some it’s touch, other’s it’s words, and then there are those out there that buy you what you want or need.

We couldn’t be more different, tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair, favorite color green and his love for animals that he wanted to be a vet when he grew up. Of course, I was the bubbly outgoing Tom boy who wore my bathing suit under my girly dresses because I had to get dirty. I’d play in the rain, and not waste a second of my life. That is until insecurities reared their ugly head and took control over my head and heart. Maybe it was easier to believe that I didn’t matter or wasn’t worth anything to those around me, even though I knew in my heart it was a lie.

I’ve been loved for years, in all kinds of ways that I don’t think I truly noticed until recent years. And sometimes I get so caught up in those insecurities that what else was anyone suppose to do for me? I need affirmation that I was good enough, pretty enough, but not by me…. It always relied on someone else opinion of me. Even though the words never stuck.

Sometimes I contemplate what life would of been like had I believed in myself for all the years I self sabotaged my own heart. I know now I was only doing myself a disservice by even allowing the thoughts to pass my mind. Heart wrenching is that I’m alone and have been because of it, because I closed myself off to the possibility that I was lovable and able to be loved back without restrictions, judgement, and the ability to fail. I shut down, go inside myself and create this safe little place even though I’m screaming to be let free. I push those I love away because it’s easier than being hurt, and in the process I’m selfish, and only think of my side. How many have I hurt by shutting down and closing off to those around me?

How do you learn to be vulnerable and open when you were taught that shutting down and doing it alone is your best option? I guess this is what I’m still working on. It’s scary to give someone that much power, especially after being hurt over and over again. If I’m being truthful, I always wished it had been you. Watching on the sidelines I ripped my own heart, because I would of rather of kept quiet for fear of being abandoned, thrown away just as I always thought. You always meant more to me, you always mattered more than anyone else, but I also loved you enough to know you deserved to be happy, and I would of destroyed such a beautiful bond and connection that in the end I walked away from and miss every day that passes.

Spending my whole life running has been quite exhausting, not loving myself has been more than difficult, and I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for the pain I have caused when I have been absent, I’m sorry to myself for not loving me the way I should of, but thank you for loving me for so damn long, even when I didn’t see it myself.

Memories of the past

The memories of our past stay with us long after they are done. They stay within our hearts, connecting us to those we once loved. Their help shape us into someone we want to be, before the world and life can break us down into pieces, before the rebuilds we must do over and over again. Those precious moments frozen in time, held in the deepest part of our mind, that we unlock from time to time.

We laugh, we love, we cry, we celebrate all these different seasons of our lives. They become bittersweet, as the movie replays, sometimes wishing we could go back to the days. When life, heart ache, pain and sadness were only a phase. The dreams we once had float to the clouds as we become who we are meant to be on a roller coaster of finite dreams.

Missing you

I’m missing you , even though I haven’t seemed to think about you in a little bit. Everyone once and a blue moon my mind will go back over conversations, and I feel as though I’m breaking all over again. My heart wants to hold on to you as if it can’t survive without you, but my head tells me I’m stupid for holding on, because if you were going to come back you would of by now.

I know that I left you in the dark, when I vanished, but I didn’t do it to hurt you. That’s something I wish you could understand. I told you I loved you without wanting anything in return and that’s the truth. The way you made me feel alive was enough, the way you checked up on me was enough. I wish you could try to understand from my perspective though, how hard it is to be so close to someone and have them pull away. I push people away because that’s all I’m ever shown.

I wanted to run and stay all at once with the feelings you brought back into my life. I was believing in me again, but I also hated how much I felt I needed you. I can’t need anyone. I had to figure out how to be happy with just me. Of course, life’s little twists and turns make it damn hard. I know though after everything I’ve endured I’m strong, and I don’t need anyone.

The truth is I wanted you, I wanted you so bad, and that in the end scarred the shit out of me, if I care then I have something to lose. My heart aches for what was once between us. I miss our conversations, I miss laughing, but most of all I miss smiling, I lost it the day I lost you.

I try not to live with a hope and prayer that you will come back, but some part of me every night before I go to bed asks for you to come back. I still love you, and I’m still waiting for you to miss me….. because I miss you……. Even if that’s dumb of me.

I felt you never trusted me, and you never knew how to accept the love I offered even though you wanted it. You ran any chance you got. Fear of being seen for who you really were and being loved anyway. Even after all that…. I miss you everyday…. Every hour, every minute that passes…. To me you were everything, to you I was replaceable.

Masks

When I look in the mirror do I like who I see?

Is it really me?

Or is it the mask that everyone placed upon me?

Living up to what everyone thinks becomes exhausting, just want to take a break

Need a place to be able to be take a breath

Get my ground

Know my surroundings

If only they could see what the mask does to me

Draining

Always being someone’s picture perfect

Can’t mess up

Don’t feel human

More of a robot

Let me do what I’m told like a dog on a leash

One day maybe I’ll be free.

Maybe one day someone will let me be me

Until then I guess I’ll trudge on

Do the day to day of things

And hope the real me can be seen

Beyond the mask and part I play

Of my everyday.

To my children

You will someday understand what it means to love someone more that yourself, so much that you would do anything to see them happy and smile. You will love them unconditionally and nothing will ever change the way you think or feel about them. You will always be quick to defend them, quick to rescue them, quick to listen to their stories, listen to their sweet songs even if they are of key because to you it will be the sweetest music to your ears, and when they tell you they love you there will be no doubts and no worries, you will always know that no matter what their love will always be with you. You will be their parent and you will always do your best for them just as I have for you, and it’s safe to say that yes along that journey you will make your mistakes just as I have along mine, but one thing will always be certain the love will always outshine everything. You will have your bad days but at the end of the night as you tuck that little one or ones into bed and those words “I love you mommy” “I love you daddy” come out you will know it was all worth it. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new start, and you may make a few more mistakes but hopefully they won’t notice that when they get older, hopefully they will only know of the love that you gave them and you always did your best for them.

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