Another birthday

I remember a time that I was so excited for my birthday to come, but after losing my dad my birthday became a sad reminder that I would never again hear the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone telling me happy birthday and love you, but I held onto the fact that I still had my mom.

Then last year my mother passed and my birthday came and instead of missing one I was missing both. This year I didn’t go all out or even get excited, instead of having my annual count down of my birthday is in ….. days, I just let the days pass.

As I woke this morning to the sound of my daughters voice saying happy birthday mommy, my heart melted with love but also sadness at not receiving the calls I so desperately wish I could get again. So I took to social media and wrote to them.

“It’s days like today that I will forever miss the sound of your voice on the other end of the phone or your messages to me telling me happy birthday, thank you for bringing me into this life and I know you are screaming from heaven happy birthday.” Now it probably wasn’t that put together as I was still half asleep, but you get the gist. Lol.

I know that there will be days that my heart aches for the ones I have lost that meant so much to me, but I’m also learning that I can not let my life pass me by, or allow myself to wallow in the pain. So today goes to celebrating my parents for bringing me into this life, and doing the best they could to raise me. One day we will be together again.

6 months and the final goodbye

The morning of may 13,2020 was one of the hardest days anyone can go through. Waking up to a phone call saying “it’s time, we don’t think she will make it the rest of the day.” So even though you want to curl up into a ball of security under your warm comfortable blankets you push them off of you get your butt out of bed and force yourself to get dressed, you put one foot in front of the other as you get in the car and drive in a daze to your destination to be with your mom as she gets ready to take her last breath. It was 6 months ago and I still remember the phone call, I remember every word I said to her as she began to slip from this world, I couldn’t hold her hand, or give her a kiss, a window separated us from each other.

It’s been as if I’m living in an alternate reality since that day. I can still hear her voice in my head telling me every chance she got that she loved me. I know I said my goodbye to her then, but today, today is the day we take what we have left of her and place them beside her best friend and sister for all eternity, their final resting place, and if I’m being completely honest I just don’t know if I’m ready. You see I’ve thought about this day ever since she her heart stopped, and it’s not going the way I had hoped it would. Then again it won’t stop me from once again putting one foot in front of the other, placing her ashes next to her sister and saying my final goodbye to woman who spent 31 years raising me, loving me, and being my biggest support, she was the one I cried to, the one who told me everything will be okay when my life felt as though it was in complete shambles. So today I will take a breath and continue to move forward on this journey of healing.

Once again the first

I hate when tragedy strikes in the mist of chaos. And you must face the blowing winds alone.

My heart overwhelmed itself, as my birthday approached, I became unaware, forgotten what day it was. And then it hit me as if a semi slammed into my gut. She wasn’t here, she was gone. Tears slipped past my eyes as I faced the new reality without her once again. I held my head though letting the pain fall from my eyes to capture my heartbreak. They were gone now. As I closed my eyes I pictured them there with me as they put their arms around me, I swear I could feel their touch.

They held me for only a moment. Then from my mind they faded. I knew then I could get through this. I felt there love with me. Even though they weren’t there in the flesh they were in my heart forever, and, would always be.

I’m not okay.

If I could have anything I wished for, it would be to go back to a time when everything in my life wasn’t so down, a time when I was truly happy. I want to be okay. I want to be strong. But truth is I’m not okay, and I haven’t been in a long time.

I find myself asking what I did in my life that deserved such a horrible karma such as losing my father and my mother. To have such anxiety and depression that I don’t want to leave the safety of my own bed.

Night time is the worst. I see the image of my father cold and lifeless on a metal table and I touch his hair and tell him this wasn’t suppose to happen. He wasn’t the one I was preparing to say goodbye to.

I see images of my mother weak, bald, and hanging her head in defeat knowing she doesn’t have much time left with her loved ones because the cancer has taken its toll on her. And there I am helpless once again as I watch her take her last breath and I can’t even be next to her touching her, holding her like I so want to.

The only thing I can do is feel the sadness wash over me, paralyzing me from the life I once lived. Continuously worrying about who and how I will lose the next person in my life, and how there is nothing I can do to save them.

So instead of closing my eyes to sleep, I distract myself until my body and mind are to exhausted to function. Or cry until there’s nothing left in me to do but sleep and not dream. Once I wake maybe I’ll feel different, but I don’t. But I have to hold myself together for my children. The only thing I have left that makes life worth living.

By now I should be use to what life has to throw my way, all the ups and the downs. I know I’m not okay, but I so desperately want to be. I want to feel normal again, and functioning. I want to go after my dreams and have hopes again. Instead of feeling constant dread. I’m not okay but I try to be everyday.

Cancer sucks

The thing about grieving is you never truly know when it’s going to hit you. One minute your perfectly fine and the next you are bawling your eyes out over all things you wish you had a chance to do with the person you are missing.

My mother was a huge part of her grandkids lives, and she had a bond with each one of them that was different from the next. She was unbelievably proud of them, and loved them with all her heart. They say each other them were born it was as if her world came more alive, her heart became more full. Fuller then she ever expected it to be.

She made up for the mistakes she made with my brother and I, with our children. When my brother had his boys she was in love with being a Grammy, she wanted to spoil and play with them and the best is helping to raise them, When my son was born and me being young, she also stepped up, on nights I wanted to go out and be with friends she was always there willing to let me go and her take care of him, she was the one that helped me teach jr to take his first steps, she was the one who potty trained him, got him his first pair of roller blades, bike, etc. she was completely entranced by them all. April was her first grand daughter, she was ready for make up parties, dress up, and barbies. And then jubilee came and her world was complete the day she was born. She couldn’t help but hold her hand in the hallway, and touch her face in awe of her beauty.

She was so much that words can’t even fully grasp how much she truly meant to her family.

I cry, for the mother I lost, but my heart shatters for my children and niece and nephews for the Grammy they lost. The nights where the loss hits my son and he comes crying to me, telling me he wishes he could of gotten to watch all the shows he was suppose to with Grammy, or the song that makes him realize how much he wanted her to hold on and not leave him so soon. Those nights that all I can do is hold him while his heart breaks again for the person he misses.

Life isn’t normal anymore, that’s the biggest part of grief no one truly tells you about. Life continues to go on, and your expected to keep moving with it. When your world is completely different. You can adjust over time but it will never be normal again. Not when you won’t be able to hear that person’s voice, see their smile, hear their laugh again in person.

Grief is an ugly part of life. Losing a part of you with each person that passes.

My mother use to tell me I couldn’t have more than one best friend, and I always told her she was wrong. Truth is though, she never knew she was my best friend. She was my person that I wanted to tell everything to, my advice giver, my protector, my rock. I cried, she’d cry. My heart broke, her heart broke. And now I must do the same for my children.

Cancer

I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, but I do know what it’s like to watch as cancer changes a person you love slowly into a shell of the person they once were.

I have an image of my aunt , when I was little and visited with her in the hospital with no hair and a cap on her head, I can clearly to this day hear my dad telling me to be careful as he was afraid I was going to hurt her, and her saying she’s okay. I don’t know why I held on to that memory when everything else from my childhood is really in bits and pieces but it stuck, maybe because that was the moment I knew my aunt was sick. I knew cancer then was bad, but I wouldn’t find out until later how much cancer can change a person as I watched my own mother filled with dread as she found out she had cancer, see she always had a fear of dying from cancer herself.

I saw my mother’s face, I saw the fear, I saw her give in for the first time in my life, the woman who handled everything and didn’t fear much in this life, hang her head in defeat. Despite that moment she chose to fight against it. She didn’t fight for herself, for her she fought for me, my brother and her grandkids, to get just a little more time with us. I watched as she lost weight, lost her appetite, dry heaved after her chemo and radiation treatments. I watched her cry the moment she realized her hair was falling out in clumps and it was time to cut it off. I watched her in pain and not be able to get comfortable to the point that not even meds could truly help her. I watched as she became confused and forgetful, I watched as slowly she went from being a completely independent woman to relying completely on me to even do something simple as walking to the bathroom.

She was tired all the time, in the week prior to her going into hospice she said she didn’t understand why she was so tired and could barely keep her eyes open even though she really wanted to stay up. I know now she was still trying to fight what was to come, she wanted to make sure everyone would be okay when she passed and to her there were still things that needed to be done.

Life doesn’t always go the way we plan, and she was exhausted! She had been defeated… the woman who use to care so deeply about her appearance, in the end didn’t care anymore. It was hard to watch all this happen and all I could feel was helpless, for there was nothing I could do or say to make her feel better. To give her back her life before cancer came along and stole it. Even in the end my mother was beautiful, the brightest blue of eyes, the most precious smile, and the biggest and most loving heart.

I waited and watched and told her I loved her so much, I told her it was time to go be with the babies she lost, I told her we would watch out for each other in her death, and in our grief but we would be okay because we would be together. I told her I knew she would watch over us and be our guardian angel and we would meet again. And I watched as she took her last breath, even though I cried I thought how amazingly peaceful she looked, she was no longer in pain, no longer suffering. I fight with myself because in that moment I was happy she no longer suffered, she was finally home where she always wanted to be, she gets to meet God and see his face, but I was sad she had to leave us, taking our love with her to heaven as she said.

I wanted her to stay to make this world a less scary place for me to be in. With her gone who was going to protect me to the point I got frustrated? That’s on me now. How many fights and arguments did I have with her about how I’m an adult and need to make my own mistakes and she couldn’t protect me all the time… in the moment of her last breath I realized this whole time I’ve always been her child, I was her baby girl that after I was born she didn’t get to take home right away and hold or touch. All of me just wanted to hold her, if I could hold her here on this earth as long as possible, but I couldn’t, I had to watch as the soul of my mother had to leave and not take me with her.

I’m now an adult, having to face the world without her in it to run to, to fix things, to cry to when things become so overwhelming, I will no longer be able to feel the love of her arms around me holding me together as I break down, I will never again hear her voice telling me through out the day I love you just to simply say it. My “home” is now gone from this earth and in heaven. One day I will meet her again, but until then, I must finish the rest of my journey without the protection of my mother. Cancer is a hard and scary thing, I’m glad I was able to be with her in the end no matter our history. She knew she was loved in the end and she can take my love with her until we meet again.

What cancer is

Pictures i took to show her how much hair she had lost.

I’m going to open up about something I haven’t yet. This is what cancer is…. this is what happens when a person chooses to fight and go through chemo and radiation… it’s the point where the person dealing with cancer comes to the realization that everything they once were is gone. It’s facing the reality that one day you could die from it. It’s sleepless nights Bc you can’t breath good enough, it’s having to rely on others because you have absolutely no strength. No strength to get up and make a simple meal, but wishing you could because just a few months ago you had the strength to do it, it’s not having the strength to get up and walk even just a couple of steps and still fighting everyday for not yourself but your daughter, your son, your granddaughters and grandsons, your nieces and nephews, your brothers and sisters and your own mother. How can you come to terms with the fact that one day you won’t be there for any of them? Everyone asks me how my mom is doing…. I will tell you she’s doing good… truth is she hates cancer, she gets mad, she gets frustrated, she gets sad. She talks about her dying. Some days are good and we laugh and joke, but most days she has very little to no energy. She’s one of the strongest women I have ever known. Having a first hand in taking care of her is hard, truth is we are both getting use to the new person she is and letting go of who we once were is a hard thing to accept. But I see strength in her everyday. I choose to be here, to help her, to love her through all of the struggles and battles we have faced and will face. I WILL NOT ABANDON HER. I will be her strength when she is weak, I will hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her everyday that I have with her, I will hold no regret for helping her fight for as long as she can. I have said many things, and done many things to her and she to me, but all of the past doesn’t matter, we will grow together and cherish the good times and let the bad go. The woman who use to have to do her hair and make up before she would go out is no longer there, her hair is cut short as she allowed my daughter and son to cut the remainder of hair she had left, and as for make up well she never puts it on now. But then again she’s never needed her hair or make up to be beautiful, because she has always had and will always have a beautiful heart and soul. So for those of you who have fought and overcome cancer I amend you and applaud your bravery! And for those of you who are fighting still, I pray you have the strength you need to not give up, and for those who have lost their battle, I pray that you found peace, you were strong, brave, and beautiful, now it’s time to help another be strong from heaven. I love you mom with all my heart and I want you to know you are a superstar for all you have gone through in life and always find a way to still smile, to still laugh, and to still push forward!

Turmoil

You can hate on me, Down grade me. If thats how you feel, but I won’t stand still and let it destroy me.

I may need a hand to hold at times to help me get on my feet but I won’t stay down just because that’s what you think.

I am in control of my life.

You may have never loved me or wished that i was the one saved but this is me and i’m good enough anyway.

The words you say may bring me down and hurt my heart, but i won’t be ashamed of being me.

I will do this because I can.

You only loved me for your image. Every mistake, and rule i broke was just another strike against me, blame me.

It’s nice to know that in the end I’m all alone.

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