Self

You don’t want to be selfish in this world, but some days you feel like it would be easier to just shut everyone and everything down around you and in your head. Just for a little bit. Some peace from the sweet torture of life and the complications of feelings we have been given.

Maybe that’s why I found myself once again crying over someone who never deserved me in all the years we knew each other he should of never been a safe zone just a temporary stepping stone. Maybe one day in the future he will think back to a time he had a great friend who put herself aside for him so he didn’t ever feel so alone and all he did was play games and treat her like the garbage he stepped on in the street.

What he lacks is through my journey and growth I do not regret sharing how I feel and not only respect myself enough but also love myself and know how much precious my time here is, and it no longer needs to be spent with people who continually prove to me they don’t deserve my time, and attention nor my friendship. I have accepted myself or continue to learn to accept myself everyday, i will never let another person break me to nothing. He still runs back to what broke him repeatedly. I pray he heals.

If there was one thing

Thinking on my life, my only hope is that I changed someone’s life for the better. I gave them a smile when they felt like crying. I gave them a friend when they felt alone. That if they ever felt down on themselves that I was able to pick them up even only just a little. Then I’ll know this life was worth it all. That every hard day that I faced mattered. That my purpose was fulfilled. I don’t want to be the hero in anyone story, I just want to be the sun when the clouds come out.

My friend

I hope you know that not a day goes by that my thoughts and prayers are not with you, I pray for your healing of your past traumas, I pray that one day you see yourself as the amazing wonderful person I see when I look at you. I pray that you find forgiveness in yourself for how you have seen and treated yourself over the years. Every heart ache that you have suffered I have felt my heart sinker lower, but I also see how you do not give up, you don’t give in, and you try your hardest, that is strength I admire.

I know there are times where you feel alone and your heart breaks silently, I know that there are times I don’t understand and my own insecurities worm their own way in and sometimes I have failed miserably as a friend, I hope that you can forgive for those times and know that when you hurt, I hurt, when you cry, I cry, when you laugh, I laugh, and when you smile it lights up a room. I love you friend and my life would be incomplete if you weren’t here.

What’s there to say?

Well, I’m learning that even though I have been through some not so ideal situations, the truth is I made it through them. Did I get down on myself? Beat myself up? Did some of those situations tear my heart out from my chest cavity? Did it feel like my guts were being ripped out from the inside left to hang where everyone could see? Yes…. And more often then not I wanted to curl up in the safety of my bed, with my head tucked under the covers as a child does when scared of the shadows that dance in their room at night. Maybe I did that for a moment but I released my he blanket and got out of bed.

I trudged through the rooms of my home and hoped into that shower even if I shed a couple tears as the water slid down my face and act as if I didn’t just let some of the pain I was feeling out. Then I got out wrapped my towel around me and dried myself off, only to force my feet into the leg of my pants and pull them up to my waist. I pulled the shirt over my head and put my arms through the sleeves. I then held my head up high and walked outside into the sun.

As I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face, I couldn’t help but to feel just a tad bit lighter, so I put one foot in front of the other and continued to do so until I began to laugh for no reason at all except out of pure joy. Happiness starts to wash over me like the waves of the ocean onto the shore. My heart fills with some unrecognizable feeling that has been long forgotten. My lips spread into a smile that begins to hurt my cheeks and still I can not stop. For in this moment I know everything will be okay and I will make it through another day.

You see, it’s okay to be down, and sometimes we have a habit of getting stuck in that dark place, but fighting through, being proud that you got out of bed, took a shower, brushed your teeth, or just got dressed is okay. Be proud of what you accomplished even if it doesn’t seem like a lot. Before you know it you have more things to be grateful for, to smile about, to laugh about. Keep moving with your head high.

Learning to love myself

I’ve spent years hating just about everything about me, from my weight, my body, my name, down to the hair on my toes. I never truly realized how much I lived in self hate of myself until recently. I knew I was unhappy at times but have moments where I felt good. I chucked it up my depression and anxiety.

I destroyed my self confidence, my self esteem, my dreams I believed I didn’t deserve. All because I thought my value laid more with others than myself. I degraded myself and put my mind and body through things that now I wonder why I did. It was all consuming and I didn’t even see the destruction I had caused myself by letting others thoughts of me win.

Recently I had a guy attempt to hook up on the down low of course. Something I have dealt with before. But something inside me in this moment changed. Instead of taking up the offer, I found myself declining. My worth isn’t in a one night stand, affair, hook up, or even sex at all. Why put myself on a level that will only leave me feeling worthless, lonely, and not good enough? That’s what I had been doing. I had been allowing myself to lower my standards for some idea of acceptance.

It was as if my eyes, my mind. And my heart opened in that moment and I realized I have to love myself, and I deserve to love myself. I deserve what I wish for. So I don’t have the best body, but God gave me this life and I should love it flaws and all. I shouldn’t be treating my body badly.

The journey to self love, is the hardest journey we will take, life will test you, throwing curve balls to try to make you fail, but you only fail yourself when you lower yourself and accept less than you deserve. So, here’s to learning to love myself and not try to find love within someone else. I need to fill my own tank. And now almost 14 years after high school I’m starting to understand what my self discovery teacher was trying to teach us all.

What cancer is

Pictures i took to show her how much hair she had lost.

I’m going to open up about something I haven’t yet. This is what cancer is…. this is what happens when a person chooses to fight and go through chemo and radiation… it’s the point where the person dealing with cancer comes to the realization that everything they once were is gone. It’s facing the reality that one day you could die from it. It’s sleepless nights Bc you can’t breath good enough, it’s having to rely on others because you have absolutely no strength. No strength to get up and make a simple meal, but wishing you could because just a few months ago you had the strength to do it, it’s not having the strength to get up and walk even just a couple of steps and still fighting everyday for not yourself but your daughter, your son, your granddaughters and grandsons, your nieces and nephews, your brothers and sisters and your own mother. How can you come to terms with the fact that one day you won’t be there for any of them? Everyone asks me how my mom is doing…. I will tell you she’s doing good… truth is she hates cancer, she gets mad, she gets frustrated, she gets sad. She talks about her dying. Some days are good and we laugh and joke, but most days she has very little to no energy. She’s one of the strongest women I have ever known. Having a first hand in taking care of her is hard, truth is we are both getting use to the new person she is and letting go of who we once were is a hard thing to accept. But I see strength in her everyday. I choose to be here, to help her, to love her through all of the struggles and battles we have faced and will face. I WILL NOT ABANDON HER. I will be her strength when she is weak, I will hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her everyday that I have with her, I will hold no regret for helping her fight for as long as she can. I have said many things, and done many things to her and she to me, but all of the past doesn’t matter, we will grow together and cherish the good times and let the bad go. The woman who use to have to do her hair and make up before she would go out is no longer there, her hair is cut short as she allowed my daughter and son to cut the remainder of hair she had left, and as for make up well she never puts it on now. But then again she’s never needed her hair or make up to be beautiful, because she has always had and will always have a beautiful heart and soul. So for those of you who have fought and overcome cancer I amend you and applaud your bravery! And for those of you who are fighting still, I pray you have the strength you need to not give up, and for those who have lost their battle, I pray that you found peace, you were strong, brave, and beautiful, now it’s time to help another be strong from heaven. I love you mom with all my heart and I want you to know you are a superstar for all you have gone through in life and always find a way to still smile, to still laugh, and to still push forward!

Why I started blogging

So here it is, my story, or at least part of it and why I decided to get into blogging. 2007 I got married and had a baby boy life was great! Right! Absolutely. I couldn’t ask for anything better 18 years old I’m an adult and start my own life yeah things were still hard but that was okay. 2009 we welcomed our daughter, things got a little more stressful, I was a stay at home mom after I had my children, never being able to get out of the house. Never knowing what to do. I was secluded from my friends my husband worked all the time.

2014 when I think things are going great I was hit with I don’t love you anymore and haven’t for a year. I was devastated and I didn’t know what to do or how to cope with what I felt at that time, but I did know that divorce was the only option, the relationship hadn’t been right even though I wanted to convince myself for my kids that it was great for 8 years the fighting and arguing wasn’t it had worn on both of us. Made us both into people we didn’t even know anymore, I wanted him happy even if I wasn’t, so I let him go. So after some time and i do mean sometime because let’s face it I already admitted in high school I had dealt with depression, and my whole world just came crashing down around me, no job, two kids that I was raising by myself now, alone, I let it take me…

I started to write in journals, my friend actually had a blog and introduced me to this site in 2015 I believe it was then I made one and instead of writing in my journal I took it to this site, I didn’t care if anyone read it, it was just an outlet for me. I wrote on that then I started to get my life back on track and I didn’t have time from no energy from kids and work. So I stopped. Would only write when I felt like it or I had something to get off my chest. That blog got deleted. I made this one, I love writing not that I’m good at. But I never said I was. I’m so far from perfect. Lol anyway. I made this one. Started over. Again it was for me but this time when I started writing it was with the thought that well if someone does stumble across this… maybe my words and what I go through with my depression, anxiety, day to day struggles as a parent, what ever it be can help someone else not feel so alone.

See if opening up and letting you all know that my life is far from perfect, and I live every day constantly fighting myself, some days my kids because they got attitudes and adhd, but at the end of the day we get through it and tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. And we aren’t alone. Then I’m okay with that. I’m only 30 and I feel like I have been through enough in this lifetime already. I know life has more plans for me. Some of them I will love and some of them will try to break me. Just like with you but I can tell you right now if you are reading this you made it through everything life has thrown at you so far and you are so much stronger than you may think. You can get through anything but know you are NEVER truly alone. I can not say that enough! I have been there… I thought I was alone, but I wasn’t…. YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!! YOU GOT THIS!!! And I’m here cheering you on. I believe in you, I believe in your strength to get through anything life has to throw at you.

p.s. After all this time I will say this as much as I thought I was happy in the relationship and marriage I wasn’t, I found out after I left I had only been staying in it for my children. I became a better mother, friend, and self, I strive everyday to work on myself because I know that I am a work in progress still. I am perfectly imperfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The most beautiful things come out of the most broken. ❤️

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