Missing you

I’m missing you , even though I haven’t seemed to think about you in a little bit. Everyone once and a blue moon my mind will go back over conversations, and I feel as though I’m breaking all over again. My heart wants to hold on to you as if it can’t survive without you, but my head tells me I’m stupid for holding on, because if you were going to come back you would of by now.

I know that I left you in the dark, when I vanished, but I didn’t do it to hurt you. That’s something I wish you could understand. I told you I loved you without wanting anything in return and that’s the truth. The way you made me feel alive was enough, the way you checked up on me was enough. I wish you could try to understand from my perspective though, how hard it is to be so close to someone and have them pull away. I push people away because that’s all I’m ever shown.

I wanted to run and stay all at once with the feelings you brought back into my life. I was believing in me again, but I also hated how much I felt I needed you. I can’t need anyone. I had to figure out how to be happy with just me. Of course, life’s little twists and turns make it damn hard. I know though after everything I’ve endured I’m strong, and I don’t need anyone.

The truth is I wanted you, I wanted you so bad, and that in the end scarred the shit out of me, if I care then I have something to lose. My heart aches for what was once between us. I miss our conversations, I miss laughing, but most of all I miss smiling, I lost it the day I lost you.

I try not to live with a hope and prayer that you will come back, but some part of me every night before I go to bed asks for you to come back. I still love you, and I’m still waiting for you to miss me….. because I miss you……. Even if that’s dumb of me.

I felt you never trusted me, and you never knew how to accept the love I offered even though you wanted it. You ran any chance you got. Fear of being seen for who you really were and being loved anyway. Even after all that…. I miss you everyday…. Every hour, every minute that passes…. To me you were everything, to you I was replaceable.

What is a destiny?

Growing up I always wondered what my purpose was, what my destiny was on this earth? Let’s say my life hasn’t been the easiest. I’ve had more than my fair share of hardships. My mother didn’t let me do much, she spent most of my life over protecting me even into my teens and adulthood. She did the best she could though. Given what life she had growing up.

The worst struggles have been the past three years everything hit me all at once and it feels as though I can’t take a full breathe in. First my stepmom has a massive heart attack out of now where, during that time I took time off work to be with my father in the hospital by his side. After two months she was released, two months later my father suffered a massive heart attack but didn’t make it. I had gone back to work and that phone call sitting in my supervisors office just broken me. I had no clue how I would recover from the loss of my father. I could only thank my mother for helping with my two little ones at home.

A few months went by, where I drank myself stupid most weekends just to hide the pain I felt. I was lost and felt alone. Then the call came that my mother was in the hospital, she had found out she had colon cancer. She had surgery, it went well, of course it never lasts. Once released after her surgery her stitches broke open and she ended up with sepsis. On her death bed, i sat next to her bed, and prayed. Listened to her favorites, and talked with her. And after a few days she opened her eyes for the first time. She was cancer free and alive!

Then November hit and I got another call from her, she had liver cancer now and there wasn’t much they could, she would die from this. If I had known she would only have 6 months left with us I would of done so much different, instead I only got 3 months with her by her side, helping take care of her. The cancer over took her and in May she passed.

You would think that would be the end of it wouldn’t you? But no, my aunt who has been in and out of the hospital recently and has had her deals with cancer and being cancer free, now finds herself in need of a caretaker, she wants me.

So again as I sit here, I think on all I have been through, all that I am, and wonder is this my destiny? To help care for the ones that matter most to me?

Chaos


He was everything I didn’t want but everything I needed at the time he walked into my life. Dark eyes that held so much mystery behind the sadness in them, that I felt on a soul level.

He wanted to be seen, he wanted to be known for all that he was, he wanted someone to accept him the way he accepted everyone around him. Trust was earned not freely given and even once you got it, it could be taken away at any moment. He was alone in a world filled with people, cautiously watching everyone around him, seeing the masks they portray to the world.

I was living content when fate seemed to bring my prince of darkness to my life, maybe it was meant to be, or maybe we just wanted one person to truly notice the pain we carried inside without having to say it. One look at each other and I was drawn like a moth to the flame, sacrificing myself in its beauty, only I could see.

The fear of lose or lack of fear bonded us, knowing nothing lasts forever. I grew to want him for his mind. He was intelligent beyond my knowing, I wanted him to share with me all that he knew, all that he craved for from this life. He became my kryptonite before I had a chance to even blink. Amazing me everyday with his kindness, his patience, his words in my darkest of hours. I would call to him for strength and a shoulder to lean on, and he took it with grace.

My heart belonged to him and him alone, even if I didn’t get his in return. I made a conscious decision to let him fully in, knowing all that I am even in my most weakest of states. I began to see myself through his eyes, the beauty, the strength. A better me than I thought I deserved to be. All I could do was love him completely and unconditionally. He gave me life, and what it meant to feel true happiness, when all I had felt was empty.

He was chaos and beauty in one teaching me everyday it was okay to be beautifully broken. He would call to me in my dreams, making memories that would be everlasting. I would gladly burn in the flame for him, his true happiness was what he deserved. He didn’t deserve to settle for less in life. He deserved to be seen for all that he was and he deserved to know he was worth more than being controlled by those around him, being chained, and suffocated by who they wanted him to be.

He was good enough without the mask he wore for this fake world that surrounded us both, our lives would always be fated to meet. We completed each other and made each other whole. Giving a shelter from the world that continuously tried to bring us down, so when he left I knew it was only a matter of time before we would meet again.

When darkness calls to me

My prince of darkness came in without warning, took me completely by surprise, the moment our eyes met, I felt the instantaneous pull towards him. Like nothing I’d ever felt. My soul screamed this is who you have been waiting for. You know him, and just like that I opened up for the first time in my life I felt safe to just be me. My heart leaped from my chest, and I couldn’t get enough, I had to know him, every part. The silence was no longer, my world became more than I even thought possible. Someone was finally seeing me when I had always been completely invisible. Fate is always funny that way. As it was the wrong timing for us, but we still found ourselves growing closer even though that wasn’t the intent. I found myself smiling and laughing when I couldn’t even remember the last time I had. I found myself looking forward to my days and nights once again. The woman who had grown cold and distant, was thawing unexpectedly. With each day that passed, I’m sure I had loved him in a different life. Two souls connected. I needed him like the air I breathed. It wasn’t long before I realized my soul was in love with his, unconditionally, I was his. I would spend much of my time trying to push him away, I would spend a lot of my time planning the escape, but I could never follow through, I would screw it up, I couldn’t be put on a pedestal, I would just fall. My greatest fear became losing the one person on this planet that knew me for me, without judgement. But I feared the unknown, I feared the rejection, I feared myself becoming to happy, so as everything else in life that’s good, I ran, as far and as fast as I could when things got tough. I know I hurt him, it wasn’t my intention, I had hurt myself more than he would ever know. I was attached, my heart called out to him, and every time it did, my mind would tell me what are you going to do when he leaves. Run before he can. You fuck everything up this is no different. Nothing good ever stays for long. My heart hoped that he would be able to see the fear, he calmed my soul, but I couldn’t get past he was my weakness, I had become completely and utterly vulnerable to him, giving him every piece and part of me that I had left. My soul shattered that day. And now I live my life a shell of who I once was all because I couldn’t be honest with myself or with him. I know he was my last and final love no one would ever replace him and I would never bother to try.

“Do you hate me?” He asked…

“I could never hate you.” Was my reply.

In that one sentence, what I was really saying, is no matter what, no matter where this life takes us, my heart and soul belong to you and you alone, you are worth everything, but I am nothing, for I will screw it up, and push you away, fight it until I have no fight left in me, because you have all the power to destroy me.

Fate brought us together but it would be me that burns from the flame I play with, because I would always make sure you stay a safe distance from the roller coaster of chaos I could be. But I found myself, found the love I had for all that I was but you needed more time. So I would tell you until next time.

Fate

Those brown eyes stare back at me

I feel my heart race with intensity

I can’t seem to look away

I want him to be the one to stay.

I catch myself looking around

Can’t seem to make a sound

He tends to draw out my smile

It’s been quite awhile

I open up without a thought

This is who the fates have brought.

I will let him see

All of me

Eventually

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