Being truthful with myself

The truth is growing up I didn’t have much of an example what love was suppose to be other than Disney movies or other movies that romanticize what love is. I heard negative words about my body and was told what I should be, so who taught me how to love? My best friend, the one person who loved me for the loud, annoying brat I could be and still told me I was amazing. We all have different love languages. Some it’s touch, other’s it’s words, and then there are those out there that buy you what you want or need.

We couldn’t be more different, tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair, favorite color green and his love for animals that he wanted to be a vet when he grew up. Of course, I was the bubbly outgoing Tom boy who wore my bathing suit under my girly dresses because I had to get dirty. I’d play in the rain, and not waste a second of my life. That is until insecurities reared their ugly head and took control over my head and heart. Maybe it was easier to believe that I didn’t matter or wasn’t worth anything to those around me, even though I knew in my heart it was a lie.

I’ve been loved for years, in all kinds of ways that I don’t think I truly noticed until recent years. And sometimes I get so caught up in those insecurities that what else was anyone suppose to do for me? I need affirmation that I was good enough, pretty enough, but not by me…. It always relied on someone else opinion of me. Even though the words never stuck.

Sometimes I contemplate what life would of been like had I believed in myself for all the years I self sabotaged my own heart. I know now I was only doing myself a disservice by even allowing the thoughts to pass my mind. Heart wrenching is that I’m alone and have been because of it, because I closed myself off to the possibility that I was lovable and able to be loved back without restrictions, judgement, and the ability to fail. I shut down, go inside myself and create this safe little place even though I’m screaming to be let free. I push those I love away because it’s easier than being hurt, and in the process I’m selfish, and only think of my side. How many have I hurt by shutting down and closing off to those around me?

How do you learn to be vulnerable and open when you were taught that shutting down and doing it alone is your best option? I guess this is what I’m still working on. It’s scary to give someone that much power, especially after being hurt over and over again. If I’m being truthful, I always wished it had been you. Watching on the sidelines I ripped my own heart, because I would of rather of kept quiet for fear of being abandoned, thrown away just as I always thought. You always meant more to me, you always mattered more than anyone else, but I also loved you enough to know you deserved to be happy, and I would of destroyed such a beautiful bond and connection that in the end I walked away from and miss every day that passes.

Spending my whole life running has been quite exhausting, not loving myself has been more than difficult, and I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for the pain I have caused when I have been absent, I’m sorry to myself for not loving me the way I should of, but thank you for loving me for so damn long, even when I didn’t see it myself.

Self

You don’t want to be selfish in this world, but some days you feel like it would be easier to just shut everyone and everything down around you and in your head. Just for a little bit. Some peace from the sweet torture of life and the complications of feelings we have been given.

Maybe that’s why I found myself once again crying over someone who never deserved me in all the years we knew each other he should of never been a safe zone just a temporary stepping stone. Maybe one day in the future he will think back to a time he had a great friend who put herself aside for him so he didn’t ever feel so alone and all he did was play games and treat her like the garbage he stepped on in the street.

What he lacks is through my journey and growth I do not regret sharing how I feel and not only respect myself enough but also love myself and know how much precious my time here is, and it no longer needs to be spent with people who continually prove to me they don’t deserve my time, and attention nor my friendship. I have accepted myself or continue to learn to accept myself everyday, i will never let another person break me to nothing. He still runs back to what broke him repeatedly. I pray he heals.

Why?

Some would ask me why I don’t give up on the ones I care so much about that don’t deserve my time or attention who have hurt me or done me wrong. My answer is this. When someone is hurting so deeply they need more love given to them, they can’t see how much they mean to others and in the process they tend to push those who care most about them away. My greatest aspect is when I love, I love fully and I share that love with those around me. I feel when they are in pain, and I do my best to take some of that pain from them and place it on myself giving in return the love they deserve.

No one is perfect including myself, and people make mistakes, but showing someone that no matter what you are there, that you love them through it all just maybe then they can see they are worth something when they feel like nothing. So that’s why I don’t give up, and because I know how it feels and I hate to see anyone go through feeling less than when they are so much more.

Slipping back

Slowly I feel myself slipping back into the endless darkness.

As each and every emotion and insecurity wash over in my head like a tidal wave.

I can’t help but say “I’m fine”

As if it’s a reflex to hold back my breaking heart.

It’s back to the tightly stricken throat as if a noose pulls on it and tears form in my eyes and I tightly shut them praying they don’t escape.

Silently waiting.

Body wound as if an attack is coming and I must prepare for the fight against the unknown enemy

I sink to the floor and curl with my knees close to my chest wishing it would all stop.

That my breathing would regulate.

I feel every crack and open wound of my soul pouring over me and I wonder how I have made it this far.

Don’t give in I whisper to myself.

Keep fighting…

You have come this far….

Tomorrow is a new day.

My friend

I hope you know that not a day goes by that my thoughts and prayers are not with you, I pray for your healing of your past traumas, I pray that one day you see yourself as the amazing wonderful person I see when I look at you. I pray that you find forgiveness in yourself for how you have seen and treated yourself over the years. Every heart ache that you have suffered I have felt my heart sinker lower, but I also see how you do not give up, you don’t give in, and you try your hardest, that is strength I admire.

I know there are times where you feel alone and your heart breaks silently, I know that there are times I don’t understand and my own insecurities worm their own way in and sometimes I have failed miserably as a friend, I hope that you can forgive for those times and know that when you hurt, I hurt, when you cry, I cry, when you laugh, I laugh, and when you smile it lights up a room. I love you friend and my life would be incomplete if you weren’t here.

Learning to love myself

I’ve spent years hating just about everything about me, from my weight, my body, my name, down to the hair on my toes. I never truly realized how much I lived in self hate of myself until recently. I knew I was unhappy at times but have moments where I felt good. I chucked it up my depression and anxiety.

I destroyed my self confidence, my self esteem, my dreams I believed I didn’t deserve. All because I thought my value laid more with others than myself. I degraded myself and put my mind and body through things that now I wonder why I did. It was all consuming and I didn’t even see the destruction I had caused myself by letting others thoughts of me win.

Recently I had a guy attempt to hook up on the down low of course. Something I have dealt with before. But something inside me in this moment changed. Instead of taking up the offer, I found myself declining. My worth isn’t in a one night stand, affair, hook up, or even sex at all. Why put myself on a level that will only leave me feeling worthless, lonely, and not good enough? That’s what I had been doing. I had been allowing myself to lower my standards for some idea of acceptance.

It was as if my eyes, my mind. And my heart opened in that moment and I realized I have to love myself, and I deserve to love myself. I deserve what I wish for. So I don’t have the best body, but God gave me this life and I should love it flaws and all. I shouldn’t be treating my body badly.

The journey to self love, is the hardest journey we will take, life will test you, throwing curve balls to try to make you fail, but you only fail yourself when you lower yourself and accept less than you deserve. So, here’s to learning to love myself and not try to find love within someone else. I need to fill my own tank. And now almost 14 years after high school I’m starting to understand what my self discovery teacher was trying to teach us all.

Once again the first

I hate when tragedy strikes in the mist of chaos. And you must face the blowing winds alone.

My heart overwhelmed itself, as my birthday approached, I became unaware, forgotten what day it was. And then it hit me as if a semi slammed into my gut. She wasn’t here, she was gone. Tears slipped past my eyes as I faced the new reality without her once again. I held my head though letting the pain fall from my eyes to capture my heartbreak. They were gone now. As I closed my eyes I pictured them there with me as they put their arms around me, I swear I could feel their touch.

They held me for only a moment. Then from my mind they faded. I knew then I could get through this. I felt there love with me. Even though they weren’t there in the flesh they were in my heart forever, and, would always be.

Why can’t I forget you?

I try not to remember the talks. Or the way you smile. I try not to remember the feel of your hand, or your lips. I try over and over again without success to forget you, why can’t I?

Did I imagine everything? Was it just a dream, that I’m trying to awake from? The way we connected, was it just an addiction, drinking you in? Must I kick the habit? Or was it just truly fate stepping in when you walked into my life? Why can’t I forget you?

Were you meant to be only a lesson? is this my punishment for letting my wall down and allowing myself those moments of vulnerability? It hurts to remember your face, the way you smelled, the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice, why can’t I forget you?

Why encourage me? Why keep me along for the ride? Were you scared of how I made you feel? How for once you were being seen? Not for who you put yourself off to be but for who you really were? We held on so tight and still you slipped through my fingers tips like the tiny grands of sand. Why can’t I forget?

It was never my plan, it was never in my cards, to fall for you. And still even with my denials, and fighting myself, I fell deeply, I worry, I care, and I love you unconditionally. I can’t forget you… no matter how hard I’ve tried. You come back to my mind. My hand is out stretched toward you as turn away, thinking I’ve given up but never truly know my pain. Why can’t I forget?

I’ll never forget you, for when you fall so in love, so unconditionally, you give a piece of you to that person so that maybe if they leave, just maybe you can hold on to the hope that one day they will come back and make you whole once again. I’ll search without meaning to, I remember certain sayings, certain songs, I’ll get sad you’re not hear to talk to, and then I’ll continue one day at a time, just for the chance to tell you, you do matter to me, and that’s why I set you free. my love for you will never change, and no matter how much I try to forget you, I never will, because deep down I never want to forget you. So my last question is can you forget me?

She was use to it

She was use to being used for a period of time, and then tossed to the side. She grew numb to the feelings of distance that seemed to come every time she just started to be come happy. She was use to the lie, and not being worth the truth. She was use to caring more for others than they did her. She was use to giving her all and getting nothing in return. She became use to feeling alone and not wanting to even try. She was use to getting ghosted over and over again, and mostly she was use to losing the ones she loved. It was her life, and she would keep going with the faith that maybe one day she could finally say it was all worth it.

He told her she was strong enough, a tough cookie, and that he believed in her. She believed in him. And through his eyes she could see herself. Fear overwhelmed her. Insecurities overtook her. Replaying old conversations in her head wondering if she had missed all the signs, or just simply over looked them, because when she needed him most, he wasn’t around, no where to be found, and once again she was use to it. Her heart was big, but her heart was broken and shattered. People warned her she would get hurt and she didn’t listen. She closed her ears and listened with her heart and soul, and then the conversation became more and more distant. It felt like the further she reached for him the further away he moved, until she gave up reaching out. Knowing she would once again leave a piece of herself with someone and never get it back.

The lessons he taught her would stay. Not a bad word would come from her mouth. Because she was use to it. She wasn’t with the truth, the knowledge, so she slipped silently away and let him be happy without her, hoping he would hold on to his smile and laugh, even if she cried herself to sleep. Maybe one day he would return and it would be as if no time had passed, but until then all she could say was she was use to it.

Cancer

I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, but I do know what it’s like to watch as cancer changes a person you love slowly into a shell of the person they once were.

I have an image of my aunt , when I was little and visited with her in the hospital with no hair and a cap on her head, I can clearly to this day hear my dad telling me to be careful as he was afraid I was going to hurt her, and her saying she’s okay. I don’t know why I held on to that memory when everything else from my childhood is really in bits and pieces but it stuck, maybe because that was the moment I knew my aunt was sick. I knew cancer then was bad, but I wouldn’t find out until later how much cancer can change a person as I watched my own mother filled with dread as she found out she had cancer, see she always had a fear of dying from cancer herself.

I saw my mother’s face, I saw the fear, I saw her give in for the first time in my life, the woman who handled everything and didn’t fear much in this life, hang her head in defeat. Despite that moment she chose to fight against it. She didn’t fight for herself, for her she fought for me, my brother and her grandkids, to get just a little more time with us. I watched as she lost weight, lost her appetite, dry heaved after her chemo and radiation treatments. I watched her cry the moment she realized her hair was falling out in clumps and it was time to cut it off. I watched her in pain and not be able to get comfortable to the point that not even meds could truly help her. I watched as she became confused and forgetful, I watched as slowly she went from being a completely independent woman to relying completely on me to even do something simple as walking to the bathroom.

She was tired all the time, in the week prior to her going into hospice she said she didn’t understand why she was so tired and could barely keep her eyes open even though she really wanted to stay up. I know now she was still trying to fight what was to come, she wanted to make sure everyone would be okay when she passed and to her there were still things that needed to be done.

Life doesn’t always go the way we plan, and she was exhausted! She had been defeated… the woman who use to care so deeply about her appearance, in the end didn’t care anymore. It was hard to watch all this happen and all I could feel was helpless, for there was nothing I could do or say to make her feel better. To give her back her life before cancer came along and stole it. Even in the end my mother was beautiful, the brightest blue of eyes, the most precious smile, and the biggest and most loving heart.

I waited and watched and told her I loved her so much, I told her it was time to go be with the babies she lost, I told her we would watch out for each other in her death, and in our grief but we would be okay because we would be together. I told her I knew she would watch over us and be our guardian angel and we would meet again. And I watched as she took her last breath, even though I cried I thought how amazingly peaceful she looked, she was no longer in pain, no longer suffering. I fight with myself because in that moment I was happy she no longer suffered, she was finally home where she always wanted to be, she gets to meet God and see his face, but I was sad she had to leave us, taking our love with her to heaven as she said.

I wanted her to stay to make this world a less scary place for me to be in. With her gone who was going to protect me to the point I got frustrated? That’s on me now. How many fights and arguments did I have with her about how I’m an adult and need to make my own mistakes and she couldn’t protect me all the time… in the moment of her last breath I realized this whole time I’ve always been her child, I was her baby girl that after I was born she didn’t get to take home right away and hold or touch. All of me just wanted to hold her, if I could hold her here on this earth as long as possible, but I couldn’t, I had to watch as the soul of my mother had to leave and not take me with her.

I’m now an adult, having to face the world without her in it to run to, to fix things, to cry to when things become so overwhelming, I will no longer be able to feel the love of her arms around me holding me together as I break down, I will never again hear her voice telling me through out the day I love you just to simply say it. My “home” is now gone from this earth and in heaven. One day I will meet her again, but until then, I must finish the rest of my journey without the protection of my mother. Cancer is a hard and scary thing, I’m glad I was able to be with her in the end no matter our history. She knew she was loved in the end and she can take my love with her until we meet again.

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