Slipping back

Slowly I feel myself slipping back into the endless darkness.

As each and every emotion and insecurity wash over in my head like a tidal wave.

I can’t help but say “I’m fine”

As if it’s a reflex to hold back my breaking heart.

It’s back to the tightly stricken throat as if a noose pulls on it and tears form in my eyes and I tightly shut them praying they don’t escape.

Silently waiting.

Body wound as if an attack is coming and I must prepare for the fight against the unknown enemy

I sink to the floor and curl with my knees close to my chest wishing it would all stop.

That my breathing would regulate.

I feel every crack and open wound of my soul pouring over me and I wonder how I have made it this far.

Don’t give in I whisper to myself.

Keep fighting…

You have come this far….

Tomorrow is a new day.

What’s there to say?

Well, I’m learning that even though I have been through some not so ideal situations, the truth is I made it through them. Did I get down on myself? Beat myself up? Did some of those situations tear my heart out from my chest cavity? Did it feel like my guts were being ripped out from the inside left to hang where everyone could see? Yes…. And more often then not I wanted to curl up in the safety of my bed, with my head tucked under the covers as a child does when scared of the shadows that dance in their room at night. Maybe I did that for a moment but I released my he blanket and got out of bed.

I trudged through the rooms of my home and hoped into that shower even if I shed a couple tears as the water slid down my face and act as if I didn’t just let some of the pain I was feeling out. Then I got out wrapped my towel around me and dried myself off, only to force my feet into the leg of my pants and pull them up to my waist. I pulled the shirt over my head and put my arms through the sleeves. I then held my head up high and walked outside into the sun.

As I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face, I couldn’t help but to feel just a tad bit lighter, so I put one foot in front of the other and continued to do so until I began to laugh for no reason at all except out of pure joy. Happiness starts to wash over me like the waves of the ocean onto the shore. My heart fills with some unrecognizable feeling that has been long forgotten. My lips spread into a smile that begins to hurt my cheeks and still I can not stop. For in this moment I know everything will be okay and I will make it through another day.

You see, it’s okay to be down, and sometimes we have a habit of getting stuck in that dark place, but fighting through, being proud that you got out of bed, took a shower, brushed your teeth, or just got dressed is okay. Be proud of what you accomplished even if it doesn’t seem like a lot. Before you know it you have more things to be grateful for, to smile about, to laugh about. Keep moving with your head high.

New journey

Make decisions and sticking with them. I left my mother’s beloved home behind, to much happened there and I knew I would t be able to heal myself or my children. I often wonder if I’m making the right decision or making a rash decision. It’s hard. I constantly feel as though I’m in a lose lose situation. But this decision was for the best. I thought of every possible solution and answer. Even though it was hard.

I’m living with friends and it’s going well at least I would say that. I’m grateful to have a place to go and lay my head. Now if only I could pull my head out of my ass and find a job that makes me feel like I’m headed in the right direction. I feel so much pressure I put on myself and then I feel anxious about what I choose. I don’t feel “happy” I guess that’s a part of the progress though. Learning to change one’s self.

Signed up for school something I have put off for four years now. I can’t let anything stop me or hold me back any longer. Or I will constantly find reasons to put it off. Then to find a job that I can work around my school schedule. Life seems to be so hard but I feel like I can breathe some. And that is always a plus. Even though the depression has its days where it comes roaring it’s ugly head and I find myself hiding in my dream world where everything as I would like it to be. I know I can’t do this all the time. Reality must find me eventually, and sooner rather than later.

Maybe one day I won’t feel so empty anymore, maybe one day I won’t be stuck in such a turmoil and grief that outweighs everything else. For now I will count my blessing as I continue putting one foot in front of the other on this new journey, and finding my happiness again.

I’m not okay…

I go each day with this fake smile plastered on my face and pretend like everything is okay. You could literally look me in the face and would never know that on the inside I feel completely dead. A way to protect my mind from falling apart or maybe if I do it long enough I’ll actually believe it one day. Of course, I know better it hasn’t changed since my first run in with depression, of course back then I didn’t know how to disassociate myself.

Disconnect from all that makes me, me…. Feelings, emotions, memories, and the longer I do it the further away I become from someone I use to know dearly. Feeling happy is a very rare occasion for me since more of my time is spent locked under a blanket wishing it could actually help me escape the world and what comes with it. I spend more time sleeping and dreaming then I do in the waking world. But hey no one can tell the difference. Sometimes I really wish someone could see it though.

I wish so badly that someone could see how loud I’m screaming on the inside, but all they hear is my silence on the out. I wish someone would wrap their arms around me and never let me go, instead of taking advantage of me in my weakened states. All these “men” that pretend to care but only add to the hate I have for myself every time I don’t fight, or ask and beg them to stop but my pleas only land on def ears as they do what they will.

My trust has been broken more times then I can even count, and along this journey of life I’ve completely lost who I am and what I stand for. I wish I could go back to the days where I was a little carefree girl who didn’t remember being betrayed. Who believed in the people around her and loved so deeply…

How easy it would be to leave this cold world behind, but I won’t, or maybe I can’t. At this point I’m not really sure what is correct and what isn’t. What more lessons does this life have to teach me, what more must I endure? My soul is shattered and I’m holding it together with duct tape and super glue, I’m surviving because that’s what I always do by any means the goal is to just survive another day in this messed up world.

I’m not okay.

If I could have anything I wished for, it would be to go back to a time when everything in my life wasn’t so down, a time when I was truly happy. I want to be okay. I want to be strong. But truth is I’m not okay, and I haven’t been in a long time.

I find myself asking what I did in my life that deserved such a horrible karma such as losing my father and my mother. To have such anxiety and depression that I don’t want to leave the safety of my own bed.

Night time is the worst. I see the image of my father cold and lifeless on a metal table and I touch his hair and tell him this wasn’t suppose to happen. He wasn’t the one I was preparing to say goodbye to.

I see images of my mother weak, bald, and hanging her head in defeat knowing she doesn’t have much time left with her loved ones because the cancer has taken its toll on her. And there I am helpless once again as I watch her take her last breath and I can’t even be next to her touching her, holding her like I so want to.

The only thing I can do is feel the sadness wash over me, paralyzing me from the life I once lived. Continuously worrying about who and how I will lose the next person in my life, and how there is nothing I can do to save them.

So instead of closing my eyes to sleep, I distract myself until my body and mind are to exhausted to function. Or cry until there’s nothing left in me to do but sleep and not dream. Once I wake maybe I’ll feel different, but I don’t. But I have to hold myself together for my children. The only thing I have left that makes life worth living.

By now I should be use to what life has to throw my way, all the ups and the downs. I know I’m not okay, but I so desperately want to be. I want to feel normal again, and functioning. I want to go after my dreams and have hopes again. Instead of feeling constant dread. I’m not okay but I try to be everyday.

Stuck

I find myself in a place where all of my friends are on different paths than me, and I struggle with having to let them go. They once were the support I needed to get through all the horrible awful things I went through. But slowly as time passes one by one they fade out. And all I’m left with is myself. No support, and no one to talk to about what goes on in my head as I let the little bit of friendships slip through the fingers and I become completely and utterly alone. Holding myself in the darkest place I know. As my mind tells me I won’t make it through this, I’m not strong enough. I’ll never win this fight. This is my biggest downfall, my biggest weakness, knowing that in the end I will always be alone and people will always slowly walk from my life because that is the way it’s suppose to be. Happiness doesn’t stay for long, before the dark cloud of doom sneaks its ugly head in and takes over. I’m backed into a corner, curled in on myself trying hard not to let the tears fall from my eyes as I say goodbye as I am touched on my shoulder, a shadow, my shadow the one thing that never leaves. Sits beside me and the tears begin to fall.

Bad days

The one thing I have been noticing is that with depression and anxiety no matter how hard you try to keep your head up, you have your bad days, it’s inevitable, you think everything is going good, and bam one day you just are completely consumed, or this is how it feels. It’s been slowly creeping up but you have been pushing it away, fighting against it. These days are okay, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not have a good day. Just don’t get stuck there.

Today was my bad day. Nothing went right, I cried, and then I took a moment for myself, do I feel better? Not really at the moment, but I know tomorrow is another day, so I will try again tomorrow. So I will take my breath and do my best to hold my head up again, straighten my shoulders, because it was a bad day and it’s okay to have that. It will get better.

Why

So in my first post I said at a later entry I would open up more about some things I had been through, if you have checked out my page and some of my posts? Is that what you call these? Then you can see I suffer from anxiety, depression, and some other things. I have suffered with depression since high school that I can truly remember, that’s where the memories of me laying in bed asking to be taken away, crying myself to sleep every night are, I had started cutting myself before high school but when the depression took over fully and I didn’t realize what was happening it became an outlet for everything I couldn’t talk about, and the feelings I didn’t want to face, and became to much to bare. I went 14 years without cutting after my mom found out and then my dad died two years ago and who knew that demon was still on my shoulder and could still take over. It’s been a few months now since the last time I cut. Depression is a wicked evil thing, and anxiety is its side kick. Or the other way around depending on the day really. I’ve done counseling and for me it doesn’t help, I talk about my past, I know what caused this and what caused that doesn’t for me anyway change the fact that I know have this or feel a certain way. I love to write I feel this outlet helps me most, especially when I can’t get out what I’m feeling to a person. I always feel alone, I have great an amazing friends! Especially one who has helped me tremendously through a lot… but constantly opening up to them about my feelings big or little, I feel like I’m burdening with my problems and then that causes me to feel guilt and shame. It’s hard and no they never make me feel like ever! It’s the anxiety I say or maybe it’s true. They don’t tell me anyway and they don’t make me feel that way. There are days where it’s hard to keep my head up. I just want to sink to the floor, give in to the numbness and let it take me and not care anymore, but I know that’s not me and it’s not fair to myself or the ones who believe in me. So I continue everyday to keep going. I wanted to do something with my life that I felt mattered. And if sharing my writings or my thoughts can help just one person feel like they aren’t alone, that someone out there does understand, then that’s why I do this. So that one person, that feels broken, doesn’t have to feel so broken and alone, because know I’m broken too, I’m damaged, I’m scarred, I’m tired, I’m torn into pieces, but I’m also the most beautiful and unique and have the biggest heart, prettiest eyes, and best smile and I can say the same for you.

Silent

Just be still

Just be silent

For a moment

That’s all I ask of you

I know it’s hard

My brain won’t do it too.

Sleep is few and far between

Chasing dreams

Just out of my reach

Searching for peace

Take a breath

It’s okay

Not everything will go your way

Keep your head up

Don’t bottle those feelings up

Destructive

Living what you learn

Breaking the cycle

Knowing your worth.

Stay or run

I wonder if anyone will ever truly know me. Not just the part of me I let them see, but all of me, the whole me, the scarred, broken, damaged, pieces, that I try to hide from myself, the demons that I fight that I don’t really tell people about. How many people would I lose then? Would I be alone then? If I took of the mask that everyone has for me and let them truly see me for me? Sometimes I just wish I could let my guard down, have one safe place to go, but I know that safe places eventually burn to the ground. I would bet that most wouldn’t be able to tell my real smile from the fake. It’s quite sad actually how we all see only what we want, and we tend to shy away or run from what makes up truly happy, I know I do, all the damn time, in my head I’m telling myself it’s better this way, keeps anyone from getting hurt right? But when running from something you know you want even if it could be disastrous in the end, doesn’t that hurt more? Why do we fear so much that we do or say things that push ones we care about away? Why do we shut ourselves down from feeling anything at all? All these questions… I know, because I shut myself down a long time ago. When it comes to anything like that I’m just no good at it. Hahah. I’d rather run in the opposite direction than live in fear of the sad reality that I may lose someone if I let them in all the way and they did decide to stay.

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