Why?

Some would ask me why I don’t give up on the ones I care so much about that don’t deserve my time or attention who have hurt me or done me wrong. My answer is this. When someone is hurting so deeply they need more love given to them, they can’t see how much they mean to others and in the process they tend to push those who care most about them away. My greatest aspect is when I love, I love fully and I share that love with those around me. I feel when they are in pain, and I do my best to take some of that pain from them and place it on myself giving in return the love they deserve.

No one is perfect including myself, and people make mistakes, but showing someone that no matter what you are there, that you love them through it all just maybe then they can see they are worth something when they feel like nothing. So that’s why I don’t give up, and because I know how it feels and I hate to see anyone go through feeling less than when they are so much more.

Slipping back

Slowly I feel myself slipping back into the endless darkness.

As each and every emotion and insecurity wash over in my head like a tidal wave.

I can’t help but say “I’m fine”

As if it’s a reflex to hold back my breaking heart.

It’s back to the tightly stricken throat as if a noose pulls on it and tears form in my eyes and I tightly shut them praying they don’t escape.

Silently waiting.

Body wound as if an attack is coming and I must prepare for the fight against the unknown enemy

I sink to the floor and curl with my knees close to my chest wishing it would all stop.

That my breathing would regulate.

I feel every crack and open wound of my soul pouring over me and I wonder how I have made it this far.

Don’t give in I whisper to myself.

Keep fighting…

You have come this far….

Tomorrow is a new day.

Memories of the past

The memories of our past stay with us long after they are done. They stay within our hearts, connecting us to those we once loved. Their help shape us into someone we want to be, before the world and life can break us down into pieces, before the rebuilds we must do over and over again. Those precious moments frozen in time, held in the deepest part of our mind, that we unlock from time to time.

We laugh, we love, we cry, we celebrate all these different seasons of our lives. They become bittersweet, as the movie replays, sometimes wishing we could go back to the days. When life, heart ache, pain and sadness were only a phase. The dreams we once had float to the clouds as we become who we are meant to be on a roller coaster of finite dreams.

If there was one thing

Thinking on my life, my only hope is that I changed someone’s life for the better. I gave them a smile when they felt like crying. I gave them a friend when they felt alone. That if they ever felt down on themselves that I was able to pick them up even only just a little. Then I’ll know this life was worth it all. That every hard day that I faced mattered. That my purpose was fulfilled. I don’t want to be the hero in anyone story, I just want to be the sun when the clouds come out.

My friend

I hope you know that not a day goes by that my thoughts and prayers are not with you, I pray for your healing of your past traumas, I pray that one day you see yourself as the amazing wonderful person I see when I look at you. I pray that you find forgiveness in yourself for how you have seen and treated yourself over the years. Every heart ache that you have suffered I have felt my heart sinker lower, but I also see how you do not give up, you don’t give in, and you try your hardest, that is strength I admire.

I know there are times where you feel alone and your heart breaks silently, I know that there are times I don’t understand and my own insecurities worm their own way in and sometimes I have failed miserably as a friend, I hope that you can forgive for those times and know that when you hurt, I hurt, when you cry, I cry, when you laugh, I laugh, and when you smile it lights up a room. I love you friend and my life would be incomplete if you weren’t here.

Learning to go with the flow.

I’m slowly learning how to just go with the flow and honestly I couldn’t be happier with where my life is at and where it’s headed. I don’t let outside influences affect me, I don’t let my emotions control me. And that for me is a different feeling. I don’t want to be know as cold or uncaring because even when I don’t want to I still care, I still think about people who have walked away, and I still get sad. I just don’t let that stop me and I don’t let myself wallow over something I can’t control and maybe the truth is I don’t want to control the outcome anymore at least in certain situations.

Going after what I want, truly believing that I can accomplish this, and putting my all into it… I haven’t felt this satisfied in a long time, emotionally, mentally and it’s all me. Filling my own tank giving myself the respect and love I deserve. After to many years of neglect and abuse. So here’s to looking towards the future and not back on the past and trusting in the process.

Another birthday

I remember a time that I was so excited for my birthday to come, but after losing my dad my birthday became a sad reminder that I would never again hear the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone telling me happy birthday and love you, but I held onto the fact that I still had my mom.

Then last year my mother passed and my birthday came and instead of missing one I was missing both. This year I didn’t go all out or even get excited, instead of having my annual count down of my birthday is in ….. days, I just let the days pass.

As I woke this morning to the sound of my daughters voice saying happy birthday mommy, my heart melted with love but also sadness at not receiving the calls I so desperately wish I could get again. So I took to social media and wrote to them.

“It’s days like today that I will forever miss the sound of your voice on the other end of the phone or your messages to me telling me happy birthday, thank you for bringing me into this life and I know you are screaming from heaven happy birthday.” Now it probably wasn’t that put together as I was still half asleep, but you get the gist. Lol.

I know that there will be days that my heart aches for the ones I have lost that meant so much to me, but I’m also learning that I can not let my life pass me by, or allow myself to wallow in the pain. So today goes to celebrating my parents for bringing me into this life, and doing the best they could to raise me. One day we will be together again.

What’s there to say?

Well, I’m learning that even though I have been through some not so ideal situations, the truth is I made it through them. Did I get down on myself? Beat myself up? Did some of those situations tear my heart out from my chest cavity? Did it feel like my guts were being ripped out from the inside left to hang where everyone could see? Yes…. And more often then not I wanted to curl up in the safety of my bed, with my head tucked under the covers as a child does when scared of the shadows that dance in their room at night. Maybe I did that for a moment but I released my he blanket and got out of bed.

I trudged through the rooms of my home and hoped into that shower even if I shed a couple tears as the water slid down my face and act as if I didn’t just let some of the pain I was feeling out. Then I got out wrapped my towel around me and dried myself off, only to force my feet into the leg of my pants and pull them up to my waist. I pulled the shirt over my head and put my arms through the sleeves. I then held my head up high and walked outside into the sun.

As I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face, I couldn’t help but to feel just a tad bit lighter, so I put one foot in front of the other and continued to do so until I began to laugh for no reason at all except out of pure joy. Happiness starts to wash over me like the waves of the ocean onto the shore. My heart fills with some unrecognizable feeling that has been long forgotten. My lips spread into a smile that begins to hurt my cheeks and still I can not stop. For in this moment I know everything will be okay and I will make it through another day.

You see, it’s okay to be down, and sometimes we have a habit of getting stuck in that dark place, but fighting through, being proud that you got out of bed, took a shower, brushed your teeth, or just got dressed is okay. Be proud of what you accomplished even if it doesn’t seem like a lot. Before you know it you have more things to be grateful for, to smile about, to laugh about. Keep moving with your head high.

New journey

Make decisions and sticking with them. I left my mother’s beloved home behind, to much happened there and I knew I would t be able to heal myself or my children. I often wonder if I’m making the right decision or making a rash decision. It’s hard. I constantly feel as though I’m in a lose lose situation. But this decision was for the best. I thought of every possible solution and answer. Even though it was hard.

I’m living with friends and it’s going well at least I would say that. I’m grateful to have a place to go and lay my head. Now if only I could pull my head out of my ass and find a job that makes me feel like I’m headed in the right direction. I feel so much pressure I put on myself and then I feel anxious about what I choose. I don’t feel “happy” I guess that’s a part of the progress though. Learning to change one’s self.

Signed up for school something I have put off for four years now. I can’t let anything stop me or hold me back any longer. Or I will constantly find reasons to put it off. Then to find a job that I can work around my school schedule. Life seems to be so hard but I feel like I can breathe some. And that is always a plus. Even though the depression has its days where it comes roaring it’s ugly head and I find myself hiding in my dream world where everything as I would like it to be. I know I can’t do this all the time. Reality must find me eventually, and sooner rather than later.

Maybe one day I won’t feel so empty anymore, maybe one day I won’t be stuck in such a turmoil and grief that outweighs everything else. For now I will count my blessing as I continue putting one foot in front of the other on this new journey, and finding my happiness again.

Thinking out loud.

Sometimes I wonder how a person can change so much, but then again I know I have also done it. Because of things that happened to me in my past or people I have encountered throughout my life. I have changed, I have grown. I know this. Just as well as I know that change can be a difficult thing to process. I always find myself trying to hold on and fight for things that can’t or won’t change. Childhood trauma of abandonment I suppose.

The truth is that change can be a great thing, and without it we wouldn’t know how to grow as individuals. Someone we have known for most of our lives can become a complete stranger overnight and you realize you never really knew that person, their problems, and traumas that may affect them. I pray for all who are going through some of the most difficult things they could go through, but I also hope that you grow, learn, and become stronger from it as well.

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