It’s been awhile…

It’s been awhile since I have wrote, so many changes…. Still depressed, but I’m working on it. Got a job and I love it…. Hate my house….. hoping to move soon. Lost some friends… lost another family member to the thing called the life cycle. I think that death fucked up my head….. my panic attacks are back in full swing and bigger than ever, but don’t worry Bc I know have professional help with a psychologist…. Bc when I do something I do it big…… but I won’t lie I really like my person I just wish I could spend more than one hour talking to her a week, it truly never seems like enough time. Ugh!

Life seems to always make me realize that you can’t control anything… one minute I’m fine feeling great about everything and then it’s like a tidal wave comes over me and I don’t want to get out of my bed Bc once again the world is a scary fucking place. Let’s not forget my head loves to torture me with the past few years and the worst times of my life…. I did absolutely nothing for two days… and now I can’t sleep…. I don’t think work will be happening tomorrow.

Maybe I’ve been going through a mid life crisis all these years..🤔 they eventually end right? It’s a nice thought, hopefully but I doubt it… ptsd is more like it. This whole insomnia I got going on is going to be the death of me if I can’t figure a way to make it better. Figuring out what my triggers are for my panic attacks though is harder than I thought. Like fuck why couldn’t I just be normal?

Yea I know people I’m blabbing on and on…. This is what happens though when you constantly feel tired but can’t sleep, I ultimately talk to myself…. 😔 yes, I’m grateful for being strong but I’m also so tired of always being strong as well…..

Signing off for now, the sleep deprived woman.

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