I’m not okay…

I go each day with this fake smile plastered on my face and pretend like everything is okay. You could literally look me in the face and would never know that on the inside I feel completely dead. A way to protect my mind from falling apart or maybe if I do it long enough I’ll actually believe it one day. Of course, I know better it hasn’t changed since my first run in with depression, of course back then I didn’t know how to disassociate myself.

Disconnect from all that makes me, me…. Feelings, emotions, memories, and the longer I do it the further away I become from someone I use to know dearly. Feeling happy is a very rare occasion for me since more of my time is spent locked under a blanket wishing it could actually help me escape the world and what comes with it. I spend more time sleeping and dreaming then I do in the waking world. But hey no one can tell the difference. Sometimes I really wish someone could see it though.

I wish so badly that someone could see how loud I’m screaming on the inside, but all they hear is my silence on the out. I wish someone would wrap their arms around me and never let me go, instead of taking advantage of me in my weakened states. All these “men” that pretend to care but only add to the hate I have for myself every time I don’t fight, or ask and beg them to stop but my pleas only land on def ears as they do what they will.

My trust has been broken more times then I can even count, and along this journey of life I’ve completely lost who I am and what I stand for. I wish I could go back to the days where I was a little carefree girl who didn’t remember being betrayed. Who believed in the people around her and loved so deeply…

How easy it would be to leave this cold world behind, but I won’t, or maybe I can’t. At this point I’m not really sure what is correct and what isn’t. What more lessons does this life have to teach me, what more must I endure? My soul is shattered and I’m holding it together with duct tape and super glue, I’m surviving because that’s what I always do by any means the goal is to just survive another day in this messed up world.

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