I’ve spent years hating just about everything about me, from my weight, my body, my name, down to the hair on my toes. I never truly realized how much I lived in self hate of myself until recently. I knew I was unhappy at times but have moments where I felt good. I chucked it up my depression and anxiety.
I destroyed my self confidence, my self esteem, my dreams I believed I didn’t deserve. All because I thought my value laid more with others than myself. I degraded myself and put my mind and body through things that now I wonder why I did. It was all consuming and I didn’t even see the destruction I had caused myself by letting others thoughts of me win.
Recently I had a guy attempt to hook up on the down low of course. Something I have dealt with before. But something inside me in this moment changed. Instead of taking up the offer, I found myself declining. My worth isn’t in a one night stand, affair, hook up, or even sex at all. Why put myself on a level that will only leave me feeling worthless, lonely, and not good enough? That’s what I had been doing. I had been allowing myself to lower my standards for some idea of acceptance.
It was as if my eyes, my mind. And my heart opened in that moment and I realized I have to love myself, and I deserve to love myself. I deserve what I wish for. So I don’t have the best body, but God gave me this life and I should love it flaws and all. I shouldn’t be treating my body badly.
The journey to self love, is the hardest journey we will take, life will test you, throwing curve balls to try to make you fail, but you only fail yourself when you lower yourself and accept less than you deserve. So, here’s to learning to love myself and not try to find love within someone else. I need to fill my own tank. And now almost 14 years after high school I’m starting to understand what my self discovery teacher was trying to teach us all.