Fears

My fear is that I will one day lose everyone and in order to avoid the pain that comes along with it, I push the ones I love most away, I run from what I feel and push it so far down so I can’t be hurt again.

That’s where I go wrong. I want to not expect things from people, but I do. I wish I could be someone else but I can’t be anyone but me, I’m unique, I’m loud, I’m sarcastic, I’m emotional, and my biggest fear is that I’ll never be good enough, that I will always be invisible to everyone I meet, to everyone who knows me.

You believed in me, you saw me for me and that scared me more than anything, so maybe what I’m really most afraid of is being loved, and being seen, being cared for to the point that I end up with expectations. I don’t want to lose you, never have, and never will. But I’ve never felt good enough for you, not even to be your friend, let alone more than that, I’ve always been just a toy, just a convenience for the people around me to take advantage of my kind and caring heart, I’ve been there for people who never were truly there for me.

I don’t know how to be what you see in me. I don’t know how to be strong, and I’m far from brave, if that were the case I wouldn’t run before you could. I don’t want to be the person that sits around waiting for someone to finally see me and choose me, I want to be the first choice, I want to be someone’s first waking thought, and last before they go to sleep, I want safe and exciting, I want home. I want to belong. I want to be loved unconditionally, even for my insecurities and how I can be hard on myself because it’s a part about being human, I let you go so you could do better, like you deserve. Not that I actually wanted to let you go, I got scared.

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