Why

So in my first post I said at a later entry I would open up more about some things I had been through, if you have checked out my page and some of my posts? Is that what you call these? Then you can see I suffer from anxiety, depression, and some other things. I have suffered with depression since high school that I can truly remember, that’s where the memories of me laying in bed asking to be taken away, crying myself to sleep every night are, I had started cutting myself before high school but when the depression took over fully and I didn’t realize what was happening it became an outlet for everything I couldn’t talk about, and the feelings I didn’t want to face, and became to much to bare. I went 14 years without cutting after my mom found out and then my dad died two years ago and who knew that demon was still on my shoulder and could still take over. It’s been a few months now since the last time I cut. Depression is a wicked evil thing, and anxiety is its side kick. Or the other way around depending on the day really. I’ve done counseling and for me it doesn’t help, I talk about my past, I know what caused this and what caused that doesn’t for me anyway change the fact that I know have this or feel a certain way. I love to write I feel this outlet helps me most, especially when I can’t get out what I’m feeling to a person. I always feel alone, I have great an amazing friends! Especially one who has helped me tremendously through a lot… but constantly opening up to them about my feelings big or little, I feel like I’m burdening with my problems and then that causes me to feel guilt and shame. It’s hard and no they never make me feel like ever! It’s the anxiety I say or maybe it’s true. They don’t tell me anyway and they don’t make me feel that way. There are days where it’s hard to keep my head up. I just want to sink to the floor, give in to the numbness and let it take me and not care anymore, but I know that’s not me and it’s not fair to myself or the ones who believe in me. So I continue everyday to keep going. I wanted to do something with my life that I felt mattered. And if sharing my writings or my thoughts can help just one person feel like they aren’t alone, that someone out there does understand, then that’s why I do this. So that one person, that feels broken, doesn’t have to feel so broken and alone, because know I’m broken too, I’m damaged, I’m scarred, I’m tired, I’m torn into pieces, but I’m also the most beautiful and unique and have the biggest heart, prettiest eyes, and best smile and I can say the same for you.

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